Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

010: How To Make Kids Learn From Mistakes

How To Make Kids Learn From Mistakes.  6 Tips and A FREE PDF with this episode! 

Free PDF To Help You Ask The Right Questions and process the mistake with your child here:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions

Kids make mistakes.  The last thing you want is your child to be afraid to come to you when they need you the most.  So how do we establish a relationship with our children, strong enough, so that they won’t shy away from calling our phones when they need our help?  It comes down to trust.  Your child has to trust you.

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Transcription:

“Mom, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry,” cries my daughter.  In between loud sobs, she rocks her body back and forth, trying to soothe herself.  “What am I going to do?” she asks aloud, but no one answers.   She is alone in her room, trying to get up the nerve to call me and tell me that she messed up again.

Kids make mistakes.  The last thing you want is your child to be afraid to come to you when they need you the most.   Yet, many parents scold their children when they find out that their child screwed up, and over time, this scolding instills fear.  As children get older, their mistakes can have more significant consequences:  Car accidents, drug use, pregnancy… the list goes on.  No matter what the mistake might be (big or small), we want our children to come to us for help, so they don’t have to face adversity alone. 

So how do we establish a relationship with our children, strong enough, so that they won’t shy away from calling our phones when they need our help?  It comes down to trust.  Your child has to trust you.

If your response to mistakes is anger, yelling, and punishment- then it is natural for your child to fear your wrath.  Now, I am not saying there shouldn’t be consequences.   I am also not saying that you shouldn’t be angry or disappointed.   The consequences of behaviors are essential.   Anger is a natural response also.  But we must be careful how we respond to our children’s mistakes because how we respond establishes how our children will handle mistakes for their whole life.   Children afraid to make mistakes, don’t take risks and spend their life hiding. They lose out on valuable experiences.   Children who don’t learn from their mistakes will repeat those mistakes over and over again.  So, it is my belief we need to help our children navigate through mistakes so they can learn from them and better themselves. 

Here are my tips for how to talk to your child when they make a mistake.  These techniques should be used when your child is young and reinforced over and over again as they grow into adulthood.  

1. Don’t freak out. This is tough, but if you freak out when your child confides in you- then you will lose their trust.   Practice controlling your emotions and stay calm.
2. Don’t say, “I told you.” Even if you warned them of the consequences for their choices, and they still didn’t listen-  you can’t say, “I told you so.”  Being right is not the goal.  Instead, the goal should be to support them in learning from their wrong choice.  This is not a competition to prove that you are right and they are wrong. Showing they are wrong doesn’t teach better behavior.
3. Don’t ask questions like, “How could you have done that? You know better! OR Why did you do that?” These questions don’t teach your child anything, either.  In fact, you are likely to get the response, “I don’t know,” or excuses for their behavior.
4. Listen to understand and find meaning for their actions. Don’t listen to their wrongdoing.  Instead, look for understanding!
5. Establish that you are a safe place of support.   The goal is to create trust and security with your child. 
6. Lastly, help them find solutions and learn the lesson the mistake can teach them.

How do parents listen to understand, establish safety, and help their children learn from their mistakes?  You need to ask the right questions!   This is the secret sauce formula; you must ask the right questions!  Questions that search for meaning, understanding, and enables you to explore solutions together. 

“What kind of questions do that, Kristina?” you might be asking.  Don’t worry!  I won’t leave you hanging!  Below are examples of questions to ask your child.  You can change them to be more age-appropriate to fit your household.  I highly suggest printing them out and keeping them handy, so you can use them the next time your child makes a mistake.  

How did it come to this? What events led up to __(this mistake)__ that influenced your decision making?

Did you expect this to happen?  What did you think the outcome would be?

Would you change anything that you did?  Would you change anything that happened?

Did anyone influence you, or did you come to these choices on your own?

How has this changed you? What have you learned from this experience?

What can we do next time to either prevent this from happening again or to handle the situation better?

The right questions allow your child to process their mistakes and learn from them.  Couple this, with a parent who isn’t yelling at them, but instead LISTENING to their side of the story, and now you have created an environment for your child to rise above their errors and be a better person!  Children can’t do this alone.  They need YOU.  They need your support.  They need your guidance to grow. 

002: Am I Screwing Up My Child?

We all make parenting mistakes. If mistakes are inevitable, why do we feel so guilty when we make them?  Instead of guilt, I challenge you to learn from your mistakes. 

Sign up for a FREE 30-Day Challenge to Connect with your Child 1 question at a time!  It is so simple!  I send you a new question to ask your child every day, and all you do is start the conversation and watch the connection grow in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection 

More free resources and awesome stuff on the website at https://theimpactfulparent.com

 

Transcription:

Someone needs to hear this today.  
We all make parenting mistakes. Let's face it.  Our kids don't come with instruction manuals or any how-to guide.   We need a license to fish, but we don't need a license to be a parent.  There are lots of how-to classes for learning to cook, learning to play tennis, even learn to dance, but there is minimal schooling for learning to parent.   It is no wonder we make lots of mistakes!  You can't fault yourself for that!  And WHY is there no How-To-Be-A-Parent School?  Well, because every child is unique and what works for one kid won't work for another. There is no "good-parent-formula." Instead, parenting is trial and error.  Parenting is just doing your best.   
If mistakes are inevitable, why do we feel so guilty when we make them?  Instead of guilt, I challenge you to learn from your mistakes.   Learning from mistakes isn't nearly as easy as it sounds. It takes a lot of reflection, but the reward for learning from your mistakes is growth.  Sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn.  In school, we can't get every math problem right.  It takes practice and learning from our errors to improve our skills.  Parenting is similar.  Instead of wishing you could reverse time and erase the past when you make a mistake, consider changing your perspective to being grateful for the lesson that mistake can teach you and celebrate your growth for learning.
I know this sounds crazy to some people, but imagine… What if we could take our bad choices and better ourselves for them? Parents naturally encourage children to do this but we don’t give ourselves the same grace.  Your child falls off their bike, and you encourage them to get back on again.  Your teen washes their clothes with a red sock, and you encourage them to learn how to separate their colors and whites better.  But then WE make a mistake, and instead of learning, we just let the parent guilt set in.   Ugh- the parent guilt!  It is the worst!  So, END the parent guilt and change your perspective!   
I had a client who yelled at her kids every day.  Each day was a battle of screaming.  No one listened unless her voice could make the house shake.  She felt that nothing was working to change her children’s behaviors so each night she felt defeated.  To make matters worse, her kids started yelling back.  Why?  Because that was all her kids knew.  Kids don’t learn what you tell them.  They learn what you SHOW them.  When she came to me and I pointed this out, and her mom-guilt set in.  Immediately, I told her not to feel guilty.  Instead, learn from this experience.  As a child, she grew up in a household of screaming, so it was no wonder that this is how she parented.   There is no shame in that.  She was doing her best and doing all she knew.  How did she finally make a change?  She confronted her mistake and this gave her an opportunity to better herself, her parenting skills, and her kids.  Soon, she put in the work to learn other disciplinary techniques and coping tools. Now her household is much better. 
Consider that big mistakes open us up to the most growth and the most change.  Change is difficult.  It rarely comes easy.   Usually, the most significant changes in our lives come from big events of pain.   The mistake was needed for growth.  Without it, we wouldn't have changed on our own.  We would have never learned that lesson.  And we would have never improved.   
So the next time you are beating yourself up for making a mistake, turn that energy into finding the lesson to learn.  It shifts the energy from negative to positive and makes you a more impactful parent.  
 For MORE Impactful Parent content, be sure to follow The Impactful Parent on social media @theimpactfulparent.  

 

EP:1 Impactful Parenting 101

Welcome to The Impactful Parenting Podcast! Discover tips, advice, and resources to make you a more impactful parent!  Episode 1 introduces you to Kristina, your host, and gives you the run-down on what the podcast is all about.  Join us today!  Be an Impactful Parent!