Impactful Parenting Podcast
How To Talk To Teachers

How To Talk To Teachers

March 2, 2021

How To Talk To Teachers is a podcast about asking the right questions so that you can make parent-teacher conferences successful.   Teachers and Parents should be on the same team and the goal is to HELP YOUR CHILD.  

Free PDF for asking the right questions: https://theimpactfulparent.com/conferencespdf

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

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Transcript:

It is the parent-teacher conference season, and along with that comes a lot of anxiety and questions for both parents and students!   Today I will address some common questions that I get from parents so you can stop wondering and start taking an active role in the parent-teacher conferences day!

Common Question: Do I still need to go to Parent-Conferences if I know my kid has good grades in all their classes? 
Answer:  No, you don't have to go to the conferences; however, I suggest that you send an email to all the teachers and verify that there aren't any other outstanding issues that should be discussed.  School is more than just grades.  Parent-Teacher conferences are an excellent time to talk about behavior problems, attendance issues, social concerns, and next grade level preparation.   Make sure that the teacher doesn't have anything that they want to discuss with you.
Common Question: I know my child has some low grades and/or some behavioral concerns.  Is there anything I should do before conferences to prepare for talking to the teacher(s)? 
Answer:  Contact the teacher via email and voice your concerns.  Ask the teacher(s) if they want to meet you during conferences or at a different time to discuss the issues.  The reason you want to do this is, conferences are very regimented.  Usually, each family is only allowed a specific amount of time with the teacher to keep the day moving along.  If the teacher thinks you will need extra time, then this must be prepared before the conference day.   Perhaps the teacher can give you two conference slots or other arrangements can be made to provide you with the time you need to talk about your concerns.
Also, you may want to request an administrator, counselor or another specific teacher to be in attendance at the conference.  This should be scheduled ahead of time.
Lastly, bring in all the documentation that the teacher may need.  IEP, doctor recommendations, a list of concerns you see at home, 504 plans, behavioral plans, etc
Common Question: What if I am at the conference, and I find out that my child has some academic and/or behavioral concerns I didn't know about?  What should I do?

Answer: 
Picture it…. A different day when I was a working full-time teacher….. I have a conference with a parent.  They storm in the room and sit with arms crossed and obviously agitated.   They begin to tell me how disappointed they are that their kid has a bad grade and how come they didn’t know about this sooner!

As a teacher, the parent scenario I mentioned above is very frustrating.  I didn’t even know the parent wasn’t getting your emails. I had no idea that they were mad AND from the beginning- they thought I was the bad guy.  It is possible that your child acts differently at school than at home, so keep an open mind when entering the classroom to talk to your teacher.  Could the teacher be in the wrong- sure it is possible, but don’t automatically assume because conferences are complicated.   There are 3 perspectives to consider:

  1. Teacher
  2. Parent
  3. Student

So, how do you get an accurate story from both the child and the teacher?  You need to know how to ask the right questions!  Today, I will be giving you LOTS of questions that you should consider asking!  Please don’t worry about scrambling to write it all down.  All you have to do is go to theimpactfulparent.com/resources and download the FREE parent-teacher conferences worksheet.   You can even print the worksheet out and take it in with you when you go to talk to your teachers. 

So, Let’s get started with what to ask the Teacher!

  1. Have they been trying to contacting you? If not, why?  It is ok to ask.  Maybe they have too many students.  Maybe they have emailed, called or sent home notes and you haven’t been getting them.  Maybe your child hasn’t been telling you.  Maybe the school makes YOU responsible for checking grades online?   Find out where the communication break-down began.
  2. I have had parents ask me things like, “I have been looking at their assignments on-line, But it seems the teacher isn’t keeping up with inputting grades?” What should I do?  I say, email the teacher. Confirm this is true. Email bugging is ok.  Just be tactful.   They can have 30 students in a class and that is a lot to grade!  English teachers, in particular, have a lot of grading.  Find out why the assignments aren’t posted, there may be a good reason, there may not be-but you are making the teacher aware that you are being an active participant in your child’s education and this alone is good and may even get them to be more on-the-ball.

Now picture this story:  I walk into parent-teacher conferences to find out that my child hasn’t been doing their work.  What!  I saw them do it!  They were working on that project all week!  Those math problems were finished and they put them in their backpack!  How can the teacher tell me that my child hasn’t been turning in the work when I have seen for myself that it has been done!

Whether your child is doing their work or not, you need to find out WHAT IS HAPPENING?   What is the root of the problem?  Is someone lying here? Is the work getting eaten by the dog each night?  Is my kid just being lazy and not being responsible?  Again, you don’t until you ask the right questions!  Here are more questions to ask the teacher:

  1. What caused this? What is the teacher’s opinion about why the grade is so low? Is this a lack of studying? Is it just difficult content? Is it a lack of attention in class? Are there missing assignments? Remember my story about the child who I SAW do the homework, but the teacher said that they weren’t doing their work?  Well, this story ends with the parent looking in the child’s backpack and locker.  Yep.  All the assignments were there and completed but never turned in.  Sometimes our kids lack executive functioning skills and it is difficult for them to get a piece of paper from HOME to Backpack to Locker to classroom to teacher’s hands. 
  2. Next, ask what can the student do to erase the past? Is there anything? Can they make anything up? Can anything be turned in for partial credit? Can they re-do tests?  This is up to the teacher and the integrity of the class.   Remember that teachers are doing more than teaching CONTENT.  They are teaching responsibility.   You want your kid to be a successful adult.  They need to learn to get work done on-time, meet deadlines, not procrastinate….  For future job success.  If you give too much leniency, you are teaching them that the rules don’t apply to them.
  3. Next, ask the teacher what can the student do moving forward? Can we create a plan for keeping the student accountable? Can the teacher sign off that homework is written in their planner? Can the teacher post when big assignments are due? Can the student come in for extra help?  Can the student get a tutor?
  4. It is also important you understand the environment that you want your child to be successful in. What is the typical workload each night? …. Know the expectations of the class. If they are supposed to be studying 2 times a week and your child is only studying once- this could be the problem.

A lot of questions to ask the teacher but knowing expectations and being on the same page as the teacher is step 1 for your child’s success!

Now let’s move to the child. Let’s say you find out that your child has a less than desirable grade.  After getting the teacher’s point of view, start asking questions to the student.   They are apart of the problem so they should also be apart of the solution too!  Here are questions to ask your child.

  • What is their point of view on their grade? Do they think it is good enough or bad?
  • What part of this grade do they take responsibility for? Can they admit that they have not studied, not turned in work, or that the material is difficult?
  • What do they think they can do moving forward to make improvements?
  • When did the problem start? Or what TYPE of assignments does this happen most often? For example, maybe they do good on homework assignments but don’t do well with in-class work because they get distracted? Maybe they are good with smaller assignments but find bigger, more complex assignments more challenging?
  • Do they feel they need extra support? From a parent or from the teacher? Do they feel that they can improve on their own?
  • Where are the old assignments now? Did you review the content you missed and needed to improve, or did they just throw the old papers and grades into the trash after they got them back? A lot of subjects build on past knowledge like Math or languages.  If they aren’t taking the time to review what they missed and learn it- then they are digging a deeper hole for themselves for the next assessment.
  • What does their locker/backpack/binders look like? Are they organized, messy, or even scattered? How can having a more organized locker/backpack/binder improve their work?  You may have to walk them through this reasoning.
  • Have you asked for help throughout the semester? Who have you been talking to about your grades? Anyone?  Have you reached out for any additional help?  Have you advocated for yourself to re-do or submit assignments late? Some kids just let the whole semester slide by before taking action because they feel helpless and simply don’t know what to do.  You may have to walk your child through steps that need to take to advocate for themselves. 
  • What do their study habits look like? Do they have a schedule for working on homework? Are they procrastinating or doing homework in front of the TV? Once grades drop, study habits and expectations should be redefined. 
  • What are their goals for this class? For this school year? How does not reaching their goals affect their future?  Are their goals attainable and realistic?  Getting some kids to forward-think and see natural consequences for their actions, is difficult for some.  They literally don’t have the connections developed in their brain to make the links.  You may have to spell it out for them!
  • Have you been attending class and paying attention? Are you distracted in class? IF so, what can you do to improve your attention?
  • Have you missed class a lot? How do you make up work when class is missed? What steps do you take to make-up work?

Asking your child all these questions are getting down to the WHY the grades are low.  If you start creating punishments or consequences without knowing the Why, will likely be ineffective. 

Be ready to hear the teacher out. Try not to go on the defensive automatically. Teachers see "mama and daddy bear" stance a lot but remember your child may act differently at school than they do at home. Keep in mind that most teachers want your child to be happy and successful too! Your goals are the same!  Teachers and parents should have a partnership. 

  1. Start by asking the teacher for their side of the story. 
  2. Now give the child a chance to speak their side of the story and express their concerns.  
  3. The goal now is to correct what can be repaired and move forward with a plan of action for improvement.  Discuss the plan together: teacher, parent, and student.  Make sure the plan is measurable,  attainable/doable, and there are concrete explanations.  For example, the student can not just say, “I will study more for tests.”  Instead, the goals should be specific; for example, I will study every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday night for 30 minutes on this class.  You may even add WHEN they will study?  Designate a specific “homework hour” each evening.

Example of a goals sheet moving forward:

  • Student will study every Monday-Thursday for 30 minutes.
  • Student will keep locker clean and parents will check it every Friday at pick up
  • Student will come in every Wednesday morning early to get questions answered.
  • Student will study vocabulary words for the week Sunday night for 20 minutes.
  • Student will not sit by friends in class.  The assigned seat will be front row.
  • Student will not partner with friends for group projects. 
  • Student will show their parent their planner each evening and tell them about homework.
  • Student will check the school calendar for assignments and announcements every day at lunch.
  1. Once the plan is made, you should write it down.  This is important.  Writing it down to reference it back later is extremely helpful later when the child may “forget” some of the plans, or you need to remind them of their commitment.
  1. Lastly, make a reward and consequences system.  There should be 2 types of rewards, one is for small short-term gains that you can give for immediate feedback. Then there can be a bigger reward for maintaining the schedule the whole week or month.  Lastly, make a plan for consequences if they aren’t holding up their end of the deal. 

* This agreement INCLUDING THE REWARDS AND CONSEQUENCES, should be made WITH the student. They should agree to the contract and have input on the rewards and punishments. Buy-in from the student is essential and if they are not apart of creating the contract- they will never have buy-in.

Fundamental Needs Of Children

Fundamental Needs Of Children

February 23, 2021

Is your teen acting out?  Does your child seem anxious?  Maybe you feel that your child is starting to pull away from you emotionally?   Acting out, anxiety, and pulling away can signify that your child is not feeling secure in their primary needs.  What are their fundamental needs? Security, Acceptance, and Power.  So, before you yell at your child for the twentieth time for not listening, read this article and consider if their behavior is stemming from their primary needs not being met.

Fundamental Needs of Children #1: Security. If your child is not feeling secure, their instincts will pull them into a fight or flight mode.  This often comes out as either withdrawing from people and hiding in their rooms or becoming more aggressive and acting out.  However, as parents, we need to understand that children crave a sense of security beyond feeling physically safe.  Children are also looking for security in love.  Kids will start to test your love to see if they can genuinely be “secure” with you.   Will you love them through thick and thin? Will you love them if they disagree with your ways?  Will you love them if they are not the perfect straight-A student?  Children want to know that your love is secure and rooted in WHO they are and NOT what they do.   This brings us to #2….

Fundamental Needs of Children #2: Acceptance. Your child wants to be seen for their authentic self and accepted for that person.   This is especially important to teenagers discovering who they are and are trying on different “hats” to see what fits them best.  They want to know that you, as their parent, will accept them for whoever they choose to become.   They want their parents to look beyond their choices, grades, choice of friends, and music and truly accept them for who they are inside.

Fundamental Needs of Children #3: Power.  As your child gets older, they want to know that they matter. They want to feel they can have influence and that their existence has a place in the world.  People need to feel a sense of purpose.  Growing adults need to know that they impact others and that someone would miss them if they were gone.  This fundamental need is rooted in having a sense of power.  They matter in the world, and they are not powerless in their environment.  Teenagers will test their power and influence in the world.  Even the nicest kids will subconsciously push the boundaries of action and reaction or choice and consequence.  They want to know that what they do and say makes a difference in the world and if they find that they don’t make a difference- they often will get depressed or make “bigger” choices to test the consequences.

So, what can we do to help our children fill these three fundamental needs and improve their behaviors? Here is a list of suggestions.

  • Provide Stability: a consistent schedule, predictable consequences, and known boundaries.
  • Do not overreact. If your child knows you are going to freak out or get overly angry about their actions, you are sending them the message that you might not accept them. They need you to separate your feelings for their choices away from the person that they are.
  • Words of Affirmation. Acknowledge their personality attributes.   Continue to tell them that you love them no matter what.  Let them express themselves, make their own choices, and affirm that their voice matters.  Let them contribute to family decisions.
  • Start a conversation with your child or at least explore the questions on the FREE PDF link here, so you can begin figuring out WHERE the behavior is coming from and HOW your child is feeling. Go to: https://theimpactfulparent.com/whateverychildneeds

Meeting your child’s fundamental needs creates happier children and makes YOU a more impactful parent!

Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

How Long Should A Punishment Last?

How Long Should A Punishment Last?

February 18, 2021

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: How Long Should  A Punishment Last?

Discipline Techniques that work Video:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/discipline

How To Get Your Child To Stop Lying Video:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/lying

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

“I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!”  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!

Is My Child Gifted and Talented?

Is My Child Gifted and Talented?

February 17, 2021

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: Is my child gifted and talented?

FREE RESOURCE DOCUMENT YOU CAN DOWNLOAD:  A checklist for giftedness at https://theimpactfulparent.com/gifted

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

“I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!”  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!

4 Pillar To Self-Care

4 Pillar To Self-Care

February 16, 2021

4 Pillars To Self-Care YouTube video link:  https://youtu.be/mbVUpZakNqc

FREE PDF:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/lifebeyondchildren Gives you easy and manageable tips for making yourself a priority every single day!

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

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I am screaming at my kids again.  I lost my patience, and I sulk in embarrassment as I apologize for my outburst.   Quarantine has got me losing my mind much more than usual.   It is NOW, more than ever, that we all need some TLC.   We all need self-care.  How can we give TO OUR CHILDREN if our tank is running on empty?   We cannot.  

Dr. Olena Kerek speaks with me this week about the 4 Pillars to Self-Care.   These 4 Pillars of Nutrition, Sleep, Exercise, and Mindfulness must all be met if we want to be our best selves and a good parent.  If we are eating well, exercising, feeling mentally sound, but do not sleep…. we can NOT perform our best.  This is also true if any of the other three pillars are falling short.  WE MUST strive to fulfill all four needs! 

Watch this week as Dr. Kerek gives The Impactful Parent community tips for being a better parent by meeting the four pillars to Self-Care! 

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

February 14, 2021

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

NEW: The Inspire and Learn Series! 

I am very excited to announce The Impactful Parent's new series of videos called: the Inspire and Learn Series.  These interviews are REAL PARENTS with stories that will inspire you and have you learn from others' experiences.  

My first guest is Keisha Tower.  Keisha comes onto The Impactful Parent this week to discuss her personal struggles with anxiety and depression after having her 3 children.   Topics of discussion include:

  • Did you have any anxiety or depression BEFORE you got pregnant?
  • When did you get help? And what help?
  • What was the low point?
  • What were your symptoms and warning signs?
  • Who supported you?
  • Advice for a husband dealing with a postpartum wife
  • What would you do differently?

Keisha Tower's journey is inspirational and relatable. 

Watch today and share this video with a friend that needs to hear her important message!

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Keisha can be found at The Kentucky Momma Podcast and at her website: thekentuckymomma.com

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Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

“I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!”  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!

iPhone Charger Wars

iPhone Charger Wars

February 9, 2021

This short video is the real truth behind the arguments in my household.  This funny, yet real, short story will have you laughing and relating. 

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

 

Transcription:

I have the ultimate family test of love, compassion, and sharing!  ……  “What is it, you ask?”    Share ONE iPhone charger for a week.  LOL  Yep, my family of 4 kids plays this game all-the-time!  They must love it because no matter how hard we try to keep the house stocked with chargers, it inevitably always comes down to ONE.  That one charger that has someone’s name written on it, but it has been smudged out so that no one can make out the writing.  That one charger that starts a war between siblings and turns the fight into a suburban version of The Hunger Games.  That one charger that barely works because it has been pulled out of the wall too many times and the wires are exposed.  This charger becomes a lifeline for my children and they fight over it like piranhas.  Sound familiar? 

Well, this week, I am turning the tables and need your advice and parenting tips!  What do you do?  I feel like there are a few options:

  1. Take the charger away and let the electronics die a slow death. The consequence of this could be a lovely night that is screen-free, but I am more anticipating 4 kids crying in their bedrooms and weeping, moaning, and acting like, they too, are dying.
  2. Pick one kid that has been especially awesome lately and let that child use the charger while the others cry in their room and yell at me for picking favorites.
  3. Create a rotating schedule of charging everyone’s phone for 15 minutes. No one is happy, but their phone is given just enough life to keep the screen on.
  4. I buy all 4 kids' new chargers, and I cry in my room, silently defeated by the parenting game because my kids just won.

What do you think?  Is there a better option?  What do you do?  Please leave your comments below so we all can benefit from your fantastic idea and experience.  That is what this community is all about; helping each other!  Let’s hear your advice!  In the meantime, I bought a Samsung.  Let the kids play this crazy game while my phone is still at 100%.  (wink, wink)

For more impactful parent tips, go to theimpactfulparent.com and to theimpactfulparent/youtube channel!

Also, follow The Impactful Parent on social media! Facebook, Instagram, or Linkedin.

 

Lazy Teenager Help: What to do when they don’t care

Lazy Teenager Help: What to do when they don’t care

February 7, 2021

Lazy Teenager Help 

Link to additional video on  HOW TO MOTIVATE A TEENAGER.  Click here!

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Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

“I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!”  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript to Lazy Teenager Help:

My teenager lies in bed on the phone.  Motionless and eyes glued to the screen. "Hey, get up. We got to get to our appointment in 15 minutes," I say because I know that if we don't leave soon, we will be late.   Unfortunately, my teen doesn't seem to care about the appointment.  He moves with the speed of a sloth.  I already know we are going to be late.

Teenagers and their lack of caring about things can be one of the most frustrating parts of parenting.  Every day, parents worldwide spend days upon days trying to motivate their teens with no success.

Why is this daily routine of nagging so frustrating?  Because when push comes to shove- parents have NO control at all.   Yep, I said it.  You have no control.    If your teenager doesn't want to listen to you, they won't.  If they don't want to do something, they won't.  Ultimately, parents don't have control if their young adult child doesn't wake up on time, doesn't do the homework, doesn't eat the right food, or doesn't care.

Now, I know many parents are listening to this saying, "Wait a minute!  Yes, I do.  I will take away their phone or make their life miserable until they do listen." To that, I say that your confidence in your control over your child is a little misplaced.  Sure, you can make your child miserable enough to comply with your requests, but in the end-, they are still making a choice to comply, and you don't really have the control you think you do.

Those parents out there who are frustrated with their "lazy" teenager- give yourself some grace.  There are millions of parents out there that feel the same way. You're not alone.

But why do some teens listen and comply and others don't?  Today I all about Lazy Teenager Help!  Let's talk about it!

The secret sauce to getting your teenager to listen is:

  1. Know what you can control
  2. Building trust with your teen
  3. Leveraging your influence.

Let's start with control.  We established that you can't control your teen.  If you try to control your teen, you will inevitably get push-back, rebellion, and your bond with them will be damaged. So, what can you control?  The answer is two critical things.  The first is How you react to your teen's behaviors.  Many parents make the mistake of getting emotional.  They scream at their kid and allow their frustration to get the best of them.  When you react emotionally to bad choices or behaviors, you open up the possibility for your teen to misinterpret you. When their parent is angry and yelling, they may think, "They don't love me." I know it may seem like a crazy conclusion to jump to, but that is how many teens interpret that response.  If your child doesn't feel like you love them, doesn't feel like you accept them, or they don't feel secure- then they will NEVER listen to you.

Most importantly, kids want to know that you will accept them and love them no matter how bad they are, no matter what bad choices they make, and no matter how frustrating they may be. Children want to know that you will love them no matter what.  But many times, our reaction to their undesirable behavior or choices says, I DON'T LOVE YOU or I THINK YOU'RE STUPID.  And although you may not say those words aloud, it is the message received by your child.  That is why it is so crucial that you keep calm and keep emotion out of the discipline you use with your child.  Parents are often so emotional about their child's choices that they want to punish their children in their anger.  These parents want to make the child feel bad for their choices, shame their kids, or threaten.  Consider, if the objective is to get your teen to trust you and leverage your influence with them to listen to your advice, then that behavior is counterproductive. Why would a teenager want to hear or trust someone who is always disappointed, yelling at them, and making them feel bad?   Being over emotional can be detrimental to your goal of getting your child to do what you want.   Instead, discipline should be treated as a natural consequence for their actions in a matter-of-fact way, OR discipline can be a negotiation.   This brings me to the second thing you can control.

The Second thing you can control is what you provide for your child.   Make a list of the things that your child does care about. Wi-Fi, TV, phone service, transportation, money…?   These are the things you can use to start your negotiations with your child.  Negotiations like: if you do your homework before 5 pm, you can pick what we have for dinner. If your homework is not finished by 7 pm, I will turn off the Wi-Fi until it gets finished.  Unfortunately, many parents make the mistake of not following through with the negotiation agreement. They give back the phone too early or don't follow through at all (like not taking the time to actually shut off the Wi-Fi because it is an inconvenience).  Soon, their teenager will catch on to this and consider their parent's bluffers.  You have to be consistent and follow through on your word with your teen.  This is another way you will build trust with your child.  They have to know that your word is gold.

Building trust with your teen takes time. This isn't an overnight process. Remember, to build trust, you have to do 3 things consistently.

  1. Be consistent with your actions.
  2. Don't overreact to their bad choices, and
  3. Build the "I love you no-matter-what" kind of love.

Now, let's talk about how you need to leverage your influence.

Once you can establish a calm reaction to your child's bad choices, start by asking questions. Use the word 'why' a lot.  Why do you want to be late?  Why are you so tired? Keep asking questions.  The objective here is to get THEM to say the consequences of their actions aloud.   You DO NOT WANT TO TELL THEM THE CONSEQUENCES.  This is important.  When we start telling our teens what will happen if they don't study, don't get up on time, or whatever- your teenager doesn't care!  Talking AT them does very little!  In fact, if they agree with you, then it is just another opportunity for you to say "I told you so," and teens don't like that!  Instead, you want the child to communicate the consequences aloud in their own words because then, and only then, will your child internalize what is being said.   Next, follow up with questions like, "Are you ok with those consequences, Where is that going to lead you, How do your actions make you feel about yourself, how does being lazy serve you?"

As you can see, these questions are intentional.  You want your teen to come up with their own conclusions and connect the dots to how their actions affect their lives.  Now, realize that getting your child to connect the dots one time will probably not be effective. You'll have to have these talks with your teen several times before you start seeing them really internalize their choices.

Lastly, ask your child how your can help.   This statement has to come from a place of love and selflessness.  Your teen will sniff out your intentions if you're just trying to help them because of your own frustrations.  Only when your child believes that you are NOT thinking about yourself or your own agenda will they start to listen. They need to feel that you are coming from a place of LET ME HELP YOU. When that trust is built, they are more likely to start opening up, confiding in you, and taking your advice as something that will genuinely help them and not just serve your needs.  Because most teenagers won't do something for you, but they will do something if they see value in it for themselves.  To discover how to create more value for them and motivate a lazy teenager, see this video. I'll leave the link below for more Lazy Teenager Help.

 

The Slow Eater Child

The Slow Eater Child

February 4, 2021

The Slow Eater Child

The Slow Eater Child.  Tips for how to get your child to eat when they seem to take FOREVER to consume anything.  Don't worry Mama- I got you! 

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: My Child eats so slow that it doesn't seem like she is consuming anything.  Her teachers are getting frustrated at school.  Help!

**The Slow Eater Child episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, Linked In, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

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Disrespectful Kids

Disrespectful Kids

February 2, 2021

Disrespectful Kids

10 tips for dealing with disrespectful kids.  

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

 

Transcript:

When a child is standing in front of your face screaming, full of attitude- I know you want to shout back and probably even hit them. That is natural.  You are human too, and they just activated an instinctual reaction in you to protect yourself.  Obviously, it would be best if you did not yell back or hit.  Yes, disrespectful children will push our buttons, but when we match their crazy with our frustrations, screaming, and anger, it only adds fuel to that child or teen bomb standing in front of you.  

Then, how should we react to these disrespectful kids?  It is not easy, but these ten tips, when implemented, may defuse a heated situation, and even change that disrespectful kids.   

Disrespectful Kids Tip 1: Keep Calm.  I know this isn’t easy and restraint isn’t many people’s strength but you have to stay calm because parents that explode back are not only fueling the fire, but they are also reinforcing the yelling and bad behavior by becoming a role model. 

Disrespectful Kids Tip 2. Do not engage. I tell my children that I cannot hear anything they say when they are talking to me like this or acting this way.  If they want me to listen and be on their side, they need to speak to me calmly.  Telling your child this does two things. It shows you have boundaries, and it also points out their behavior to them without pointing fingers. 

Disrespectful Kids Tip 3: Do not lecture.  When your child is at the yelling phase, their emotions have already gotten the best of them. These children are not thinking with their logical brain.  They are acting upon their feelings. A lecture at that moment will not give the child an epiphany about the value of respecting their elders, nor will they see the error of their ways when emotions are high.

Disrespectful Kids Tip 4: Give them time to cool off.  Tell them to go to their room for a minute, go for a walk, sit outside, whatever place will calm them down.

Disrespectful Kids Tip 5: Connect with your child when they are ready.   This means going to them after calming down or making time for them when they came back to you calmly.  

Disrespectful Kids Tip 6: Ask questions.   Start getting to the reason for all the emotions.  Say things like, “It seems to me like you may be angry. Did something happen at school?”  Keep asking questions until you can get to the root of their frustration.  Are they scared, mad, frustrated, worried, or feeling like they do not have control of something?  Which brings me to tip 7.

Disrespectful Kids Tip 7:  Do not take it personally.  Teenagers are mean unintentionally.  It is a part of their nature to think only of themselves and take out their frustrations and big emotions on their parents. Mom and dad are supposed to be a safe space for them.  Parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally. Unfortunately, this also means that we can be punching bags from time to time.  Our children will test our love often.  Even the nicest kids will do this subconsciously.   Win this game.

Disrespectful Kids Tip 8: Check for low blood sugar and hunger.  Sometimes kids are just “hangry” and have sensitive diets.

Disrespectful Kids tip 9: Do not try and force your child to respect you.   Forcing your child to do anything is generally not a good idea.  They may comply as younger children, but older children will come to resent you and will know exactly how to push your buttons.   Instead, set a standard for respect and behaviors that are implemented rules in your household for everyone.

Disrespectful Kids Tip 10:  You cannot teach your child to be respectful by treating them without respect.  That means you must be conscious of HOW you treat your children and lead by example.  A mistake many parents make is treating their children like servants, babies, or as an inferior person.   Try not to talk down to your children or boss them around.  There are ways to ask people to do things that do not require you to be “bossy.”

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