The Impactful Parenting Podcast helps parents turn their chaos into connection with their children. Through meaningful stories, the podcast provides parenting tips for making family life easier! Why? Because school-aged children bring different challenges to parenting that younger kids don’t! The Impactful Parenting Podcast provides help for raising your adolescent child. So if you’re asking yourself questions like: • ”Is this normal?” • ”Why is my teenager doing this?” • ”How do I get my child to stop?” • ”I am so frustrated. What do I do?” • ”Is anyone else experiencing this? I can’t be the only one.” • ”I am worried. What can I do?” Then YOU HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE! Hi! I am Kristina Campos. I am the founder of the Impactful Parent and my passion is creating better relationships between parents and their children. I am a parenting coach, a teacher who has taught every grade level from Pre-K through high school, and most importantly, I am a mom of 4 kids! (Yep, those are my kiddos in the podcast photo). The teen years don’t need to be difficult. Teenagers CAN have a special bond with their parents! Listen and discover the tools and techniques you need to create connections, build trust, and have a stress-free household. This is only the beginning! Let’s get started, together! -Kristina Campos Founder of The Impactful Parent
Episodes
Thursday Dec 17, 2020
Thursday Dec 17, 2020
I Don't Feel Good When They Go Over There
I Don't Feel Good When They Go Over There. How to handle letting your child go places that you don't feel comfortable allowing. Listen.
It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: How do I allow my child to go over to a "place" or "be with a person" that I don't feel comfortable with. I am worried about my child and their safety!
**I Don't Feel Good When They Go Over There episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram. Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms. Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience. Email: theimpactfulparent@gmail.com
Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!
Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection
Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Tuesday Dec 15, 2020
Tuesday Dec 15, 2020
Help For Your Dyslexic Child gives tips and websites useful for dyslexic kids. With the onset of online schooling and school at home, these resources can help your child be more successful!
Free PDF with show notes and more tips for helping your dyslexic child at https://theimpactfulparent.com/schoolathome
Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!
Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Help For Your Dyslexic Child:
1. https://learningally.org/ ($12/month Audiobooks)- Learning Ally provides kids with thousands of audible books and even a few popular textbooks! Depending on the book, it will highlight sentences for the child and allows the kid to learn through listening comprehension. This is a game-changer for children who need to read novels for English class.
2. https://snapandread.com/ ($3.99/month reads computer text)- If you have a child that has all their new homework or curriculum given to them online or on a computer screen, then Snap and Read might be an excellent fit for you. This website reads aloud any words that might appear on your computer screen!
3. https://www.shmoop.com/ (FREE Gives chapter summaries for popular books, test prep, math drills, & essay writing help.) Shmoop is free and provides math drills for extra help with math practice, helps your child write better essays with writing guides, and I love that this website gives practical main idea summaries of popular books. Unlike Cliff Notes, these summaries provide main points without giving away too much information. My dyslexic child reads the outline of a chapter from Shmoop, and then audio listens to the chapter afterward. The summaries provide him with enough structure to look for main points but don’t give away all the details. In other words, he still has to read the book, but Schmoop gives him enough information to help him focus on the main ideas. Schmoop improves his reading comprehension but does not do all the work for him.
4. https://ttsreader.com/ (Free- highlights text, reads aloud, and converts speech to MP3 format)- TTSReader Text to Speech Reader reads files aloud and saves them as MP3 files. How does my son use it? He uses this website to aid in editing his OWN writing. He takes an essay or paragraph he has written for school and pastes it to the site. The website then reads his work aloud back to him while highlighting the text. This allows my son to hear his writing aloud, and he can listen for grammatical errors or weird sentence structures. He then can edit his writing with more accuracy.
5. Livescribe.com (Prices Vary- $100 Notetaking help) Livescribe is best for older children or even college students. These are special smartpens that can record voice while you write, or take recorded notes and accurately transcribe the information. This technology is impressive and you have to check out the website to understand. Livescribe takes notetaking to a whole new level.
Ask your teacher for:
• Extra time to do the work
• Video chats where directions are verbalized rather than read
• Oral testing or video testing on things that need to be assessed
• Copies of the teacher’s notes
• A reduced workload or modified assignments
• As the teacher to honor content quality over spelling/grammar
• Hands-on learning if possible, like projects instead of worksheets
• Can your child record answers orally and submit assignments in MP3 format or video?
• Ask for examples of correct and completed work as examples of what the teacher wants and expects.
There are also things that you can do at home to help make your child more successful. These things include:
• Post your child’s daily schedule. Dyslexic children do better with a visual plan. Don’t just tell them what needs to be done. SHOW them visually.
• Give your child a ruler and have them read with it. This aids in reading a lot!
• Use large-print text or enlarge their homework. The smaller the print, the harder it will be to read.
• Help them organize their work
• Arrange the work from easiest to hardest. Do the “easy” things first!
• Help them read instructions, so they know what is expected.
• Break up large assignments into smaller steps.
• Eliminate distractions in the area where they are expected to focus on school work. For example, no bed, no tv, no iPod, lousy lighting, lousy noise level, etc.)
Your child wants to be successful! Most dyslexic children want to learn and want to show off their unique academic talents! With the right resources, your child can do that! School at home doesn’t have to be a set-back or another frustration. You and your child can do this!
Sunday Dec 13, 2020
Sunday Dec 13, 2020
My Child's Friend Is Autistic
On occasion, I will meet someone new and know I am a better person NOW because that person came into my life.
That is how I felt after I met Becca Lory Hector. Becca was diagnosed with autism as an adult and has been a prominent autism activist ever since.
I invited her onto The Impactful Parent because I wanted to address the elephant in the room- WHAT DO I DO WHEN MY CHILD’S FRIEND IS AUTISTIC?
If you don’t have an autistic family member, most parents don’t know much about autism. What is it? What does it look like? How are autistic people different? These are common questions, and yet very few people ask these questions aloud. So I decided to take the lead and ask what most parents need to know, What do I do when my child’s friend is autistic?
Watch this fantastic interview where Becca talks to me candidly about autism. We discuss:
- Where does autism come from?
- How should I treat an autistic child that comes into my home?
- What should I look out for?
- What can I do to make an autistic child comfortable in my home?
- Are there any unique things I need to think about if a playdate turns into a sleepover?
- What does it mean when I hear “the spectrum”?
- Why is talking to autistic adults important too?
This interview LEFT ME FEELING LIKE A BETTER PERSON. Becca did MORE than talk to me about autism. Becca taught me valuable tips that I need to be successful in interacting with the autistic population. I am so grateful for Becca, and I hope you will be too!
This is an interview you don’t want to miss!
Thursday Dec 10, 2020
Thursday Dec 10, 2020
My Child Is Too Young For Makeup!
It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: My 10-year-old child wants to wear makeup and I think she is too young. She keeps asking me over and over again, but I just don't feel comfortable letting her put on makeup! What should I do? Am I being too strict?
**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram. Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms. Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.
Email: theimpactfulparent@gmail.com
To make an authentic connection with your child, try one of my FREE 30 Day challenges. Sign up today and you’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. These questions provoke a new conversation with your child and get you away from the boring questions like, “How was your day, and do you have any homework?” Start connecting with your child one question at a time! Completely FREE, so NO excuses! Sign up NOW and watch your connection grow with your child in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection
Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!
Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Tuesday Dec 08, 2020
Tuesday Dec 08, 2020
How To Build Resilient Kids: 3 Tips for making kids resilient.
Videos mentioned in the podcast: https://youtu.be/FhAEYFMzld4 and https://youtu.be/I1EIfRmZ2eY
Free PDF 20 Ways To Cope: https://theimpactfulparent.com/20waystocope
FREE 30 Day Challenge To Connect With Your Child: https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection
Transcript:
Ever think to yourself, “Toughen Up, Kid!”
Many of us grew up in a different time where parents did not caudle their children and were forced to be independent, entertain ourselves, and figure things out on our own. Perhaps you were released into the front yard to play with neighborhood kids and were just expected to be home before supper.
This type of upbringing seemed to make us more resilient than the kids of today. The next generations of kids have car seats, helmets, and even cell phones that track where they are every minute of the day. Gone are the days of your mom slamming the brakes too hard, and her arm was the only thing catching you from hitting the windshield.
You are not alone if you think that kids are too “soft” nowadays. But why? Surely the helmet they wear when they ride their bikes cannot be to blame for this generation’s lack of resiliency.
Ok, Ok, Yes, parents are much more protective today than in the past. Safety is a priority, and shouldn’t that be a good thing?
So then, how do we create a balance between keeping our kids safe and making our kids resilient? In my opinion, resiliency is built over time by focusing on the 3 Cs: Coping, Competence, and Connection.
Coping: Children who learn to cope effectively with stress are better prepared to overcome life’s challenges. Without coping skills, kids have meltdowns, and everything is a disaster. When you were a child, you may have learned your coping skills on your own. If you were thrown into learning how to cope independently, you might have also felt unsupported.
So, what can we do to help our children learn to cope if we do not want to throw them into the world to figure things out independently? Here are a few of my suggestions.
- Create a family environment where talking, sharing, and listening to each other is the norm. You want to create a safe place for your child to run to when things get tricky for them. When your child is in trouble and facing a difficult situation, you do not want your child to think, “oh no! My parents are going to kill me.” Instead, you want your child’s first thought to be, “I need help. I need to talk to mom or dad.”
- You can teach your child coping strategies that are proven to work. I am giving you a free PDF today called 20 Ways to Cope to help you with this. Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/20waystocope to get this free download. On this fantastic PDF, I have compiled more than 20 coping skills your child can try. Remember, coping skills are a personal thing. What works for one person does not necessarily work for another. You may calm yourself down by taking deep breathes and listening to music, but that does not mean your coping techniques will work with your child. Let them experiment with what works for them.
- You can role model self-care and coping yourself. Those young eyes are always watching and learning from YOU. If you cannot cope with your anger, frustration, or worry- then your child will not learn how to do it either. Walking the walk and talking the talk is the best form of teaching your child resiliency.
Competency: Competence is the ability to handle situations effectively. Competency is developed over time. Children cannot become competent without first creating a set of skills that allows them to trust their judgments, abilities, and choices. Competency is developed when they can trust themselves and begin to feel confident. As parents, we can encourage our kids to develop competence by:
- Help your child focus on their strengths. Guide your child to use their strengthens to their advantage as much as possible. Show them that they can use strengthens to compensate for weaknesses.
- Let your child make mistakes. Too often, parents do not let their kids fail or get hurt. You love your child sooo much. I get it! Why would you allow them to fall, fail, mess up, or make a wrong choice? Yet, protecting your child from the world can be a huge disservice. How will they learn to deal with adversity if they have none? Mistakes are an opportunity for learning and growth. So, I encourage you to allow your child to experience appropriate emotional pain levels, frustration, anger, and sadness. Validate feelings, and instead of eliminating the source of the pain for them- be there to help your child work through it. Support your child in problem-solving. Allow them to talk to you about their feelings and how to guide them to come to possible solutions. This is where learning magic happens.
Connection: Connection is the glue that holds humans together. Everyone, especially children, needs a sense of connection with someone else. Children with healthy relationships with family, friends, and school are more likely to have a definite sense of security that produces strong values. Connections also prevent children from seeking destructive behaviors. A bond is powerful. It provides a sense of belonging and security. You probably already know the importance of having a strong connection with your child. Still, many parents do not know HOW to make authentic connections with their children- especially their teenagers. Here are my tips:
- Schedule a time and date in your calendar to do something one-on-one with your child. Yep, write it in your schedule, and do not just say you’ll do it this weekend. Being intentional with your time and making it a priority in your schedule by actually writing it in and reserving the block of time will increase your chances of follow-through. Then when the time comes to spend time with your kid one-on-one, turn off your phone, and do something that YOUR CHILD wants to do. Let your child decide how they want to spend time with you.
- Eliminate expectations. We expect so much from our kids, and expectations are the death of connection. We expect our kids to be a certain way, like what we like, achieve specific goals, and when they do not live up to those expectations- they feel like failures, and the connection is lost. I have a whole other video on connection at this link: https://youtu.be/FhAEYFMzld4 and https://youtu.be/I1EIfRmZ2eY . Both videos are quick and impactful! Watch today!
- Allow your child to express all types of emotions without consequence. Do not suppress their unpleasant feelings because they make you feel uncomfortable or think that their feelings are exaggerated or silly. Give your child space to get those feelings out so they can move past them.
- Do not ignore conflict and face it head-on. Ignoring conflict leads to resentment. It would be best if you talked through the disagreement to get it resolved. This process may feel uncomfortable, and it may peak at an all-time-high of frustration, but the only way to the other side of a conflict is through it. You will be role modeling coping skills, listening, and conflict resolution along the way! By facing conflict and not running away from it, you will be role modeling, teaching, and walking through the resiliency skills, you are trying to develop in your child.
- To start you on your way to make a connection with your child, I encourage you to sign up for one of my FREE 30-Day challenges. These challenges help you start a new conversation with your child and break away from the boring questions you may ask your child every day, like, Do you have any homework or how was your day? Start creating a connection with your child one question at a time.
Coping, Competency, and Connection are the pillars of developing resiliency in your child. There is no need to throw your child into the world without the skills they need to navigate diversity. Remember that resilient children do not grow overnight. Resiliency is learned. It is practiced. And it happens over time when children are faced with challenges, learn to cope, feel competent in their environment, and have created a connection with you to feel secure- just in case they need you.
Sunday Dec 06, 2020
Sunday Dec 06, 2020
Ridding Parent Shame and Guilt with Lois Hollis is about giving yourself grace and seeing shame/guilt from a different perspective. Lois is a Shame/Guilt Educator. In this episode, she gives tips for releasing the parent-guilt we all feel from time to time.
To help you in your journey to live authentically and make a conscious effort to do things you love each day, I have included a FREE PDF called Life Beyond Children. This PDF gives you 12 tips for doing something good for yourself each day and lift your spirits over time. Get it at https://theimpactfulparent.com/lifebeyondchildren
Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!
Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Thursday Dec 03, 2020
Thursday Dec 03, 2020
- 2 types, self-inflicted and external
- gets worse over time
- long term effects can damage future relationships
- May even cause health problems over time if emotional suffocation doesn't get better.
- express emotions through writing if possible
- express emotions through art
Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram. Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms. Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.
Wednesday Dec 02, 2020
Wednesday Dec 02, 2020
NO FARTING. That's the rule! is a podcast about making rules that your children will follow.
Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!
Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Transcription:
“No farting. That is the rule,” yells my youngest child at her older sibling. Yep, we have rules around farting in my house. Serious rules, with consequences. No joke.
Rules, rules, rules. Some rules are flexible, and others are not. The farting rule is non-negotiable. How can you tell the difference between a serious rule and a more flexible rule in the house? It is about reinforcement! The Farting Rule is strict in our house because everyone reinforces it, and my four kids are quick to tell on each other with this rule.
“What?” you might be thinking? Let me explain…
The FARTING RULES:
- No farting when someone is eating. You must leave the room.
- No farting in the car with the windows rolled up.
- No farting in the car without warning others it is coming- or making the fart loud so that everyone can roll down the windows before the smell hits us.
- No silent farts EVER if you are not alone.
- When you fart, you must walk away from the group and count to 15 before you can come back to the group. (Farts take about 10-15 seconds to ooze out of your clothes and hit the air.)
- When you must walk away for a fart, you must be at least 15 feet away from others.
These are the real rules in my house. Why? Because rules are best followed when the kids make the rules. Many teachers have students come up with classroom rules on DAY 1. Teachers know that when students have input on what the rules are INSTEAD of having the rules imposed on them, students are more likely to follow the rules! Also, if the students also come up with the consequences of breaking the rules, then they are more likely to accept the consequences graciously. Involving your children in rulemaking also gives your child a feeling of control and shows that you care about their opinions. It is a small respectful gesture that ANY parent can do to gain rapport with their child and make the rules in the house more effective. It will also give you, the parent, an idea of what boundaries are important to your child. Give it a try!
And if you come over to my house… you now know that we will not let you fart freely.
Wednesday Dec 02, 2020
Wednesday Dec 02, 2020
5 Simple Tips for helping your child navigate heartbreak.
For more Impactful Parent FREE resources and content, be sure to check out the impactful parent website at https://theimpactfulparent.com
YouTube Channel: https://theimpactfulparent.com/youtube
Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Transcription:
When did you experience your first heartbreak? Middle School? I think heartbreak is one of the worst emotions of anyone’s life because the essence of heartbreak is not just one emotion. It is 10 thousand emotions all at once. And if heartbreak wasn’t bad enough to experience- as parents, we have to watch our children go through heartache too. In a lot of ways, this is worse! No one can prepare you for watching your child feel sadness, confusion, and emotional pain; and be powerless to stop it. We all understand that heartbreak makes us question EVERYTHING, your mind races, and you can’t sleep. You start examining all the what-if scenarios possible, and the pain in your chest takes your breath away. You’re body physically hurts, and either you can’t eat or eat everything in sight. As parents, we know that our child’s next love is just around the corner- but you need to remember that they can’t see that. To them, it feels like the end of the world, and they will be love-less for the rest of their life. They don’t have the life experience yet to understand that with time- life finds a way to recover.
So how do we help our children manage the heartbreak? I will be honest and tell you that I don’t believe there is much parents can do. Unfortunately, heartbreak is only cured by TIME and THE ONE that has hurt you. The main thing we can do as parents is there for our children in case they need a listening ear. Here is how you do that.
Heartbreak Help 1: Validate your child’s feelings. Don’t take their emotions away from them by saying statements like, “He wasn’t good enough for you anyway” or “You’ll find someone else soon.” These statements are empathy busters and belittle their feelings. Your child needs to feel the pain so they can learn how to deal with it. With luck, this won’t be their first heartbreak, and the next one might be after they leave home. Also, feeling the emotions allows your child to process the feelings instead of shoving them to the side and ignoring them. Most of us are guilty of the “shove feels deep down, so I don’t have to deal with them” coping technique, but we also know that this coping technique just prolongs the hurt and causes unresolved issues for later.
Heartbreak Help 2: Support your child’s decision for the breakup. Just because your child initiated the breakup, doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting inside. I applaud my children for making such a daring and challenging decision. Coaching your child in “good break up” behavior is excellent, but don’t try to change their mind.
Heartbreak Help 3: Don’t take sides or bad mouth the love interest. The main reason for this is to role model healthy habits, but also so you don’t dig yourself a hole. Children are notorious for thinking that the relationship is over, but getting back together in a week. If you try to make your child feel better by putting down the love interest or pointing out all their flaws- then your child might be embarrassed to tell you they got back together. Now, the child thinks you don’t like their love interest, and this is why they will hide their relationships from you. Plus, they will be embarrassed. Keeping the lines of communication open with your tween/teen is a high priority! If you bad mouth their love, then they won’t feel trusted to come to you later.
Heartbreak Help 4: Provide a little distraction. Sometimes the feelings are overwhelming, and your child might need a “break” from their own emotions. I am NOT saying that you distract them so much that they avoid their feelings, but instead, you provide your child the opportunity to take a break from their life. Watch a movie, go to their favorite restaurant, or take their friends out for an afternoon outing. Also, consider talking to your child about staying away from technology. Social media posts can make all the feels worse. Talk to your child about the dangers of hanging out on social media during this painful time.
Heartbreak Help 5: Get ready for Jackal and Hide. Your tween may become so emotional that their personality will go from a sweet puppy one second to an angry wolf the next. They likely feel out-of-control and overwhelmed with emotion and don’t know which one to express. They will be irritable, short-tempered, and cry at the drop of a hat. Give your child space to be a little crazy. Let them express those emotions and warn others in the house of their sensitivities. Allowing your child to scream, to kick, and cry- will also enable them to process the hurt.
Heartbreak sucks, but it is also an inevitable lesson of life. Be there for your child and LISTEN. Sometimes, that’s all they need.
Tuesday Dec 01, 2020
Tuesday Dec 01, 2020
How To Make Kids Learn From Mistakes. 6 Tips and A FREE PDF with this episode!
Free PDF To Help You Ask The Right Questions and process the mistake with your child here: https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions
Kids make mistakes. The last thing you want is your child to be afraid to come to you when they need you the most. So how do we establish a relationship with our children, strong enough, so that they won’t shy away from calling our phones when they need our help? It comes down to trust. Your child has to trust you.
Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!
Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.
Transcription:
“Mom, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry,” cries my daughter. In between loud sobs, she rocks her body back and forth, trying to soothe herself. “What am I going to do?” she asks aloud, but no one answers. She is alone in her room, trying to get up the nerve to call me and tell me that she messed up again.
Kids make mistakes. The last thing you want is your child to be afraid to come to you when they need you the most. Yet, many parents scold their children when they find out that their child screwed up, and over time, this scolding instills fear. As children get older, their mistakes can have more significant consequences: Car accidents, drug use, pregnancy… the list goes on. No matter what the mistake might be (big or small), we want our children to come to us for help, so they don’t have to face adversity alone.
So how do we establish a relationship with our children, strong enough, so that they won’t shy away from calling our phones when they need our help? It comes down to trust. Your child has to trust you.
If your response to mistakes is anger, yelling, and punishment- then it is natural for your child to fear your wrath. Now, I am not saying there shouldn’t be consequences. I am also not saying that you shouldn’t be angry or disappointed. The consequences of behaviors are essential. Anger is a natural response also. But we must be careful how we respond to our children’s mistakes because how we respond establishes how our children will handle mistakes for their whole life. Children afraid to make mistakes, don’t take risks and spend their life hiding. They lose out on valuable experiences. Children who don’t learn from their mistakes will repeat those mistakes over and over again. So, it is my belief we need to help our children navigate through mistakes so they can learn from them and better themselves.
Here are my tips for how to talk to your child when they make a mistake. These techniques should be used when your child is young and reinforced over and over again as they grow into adulthood.
- Don’t freak out. This is tough, but if you freak out when your child confides in you- then you will lose their trust. Practice controlling your emotions and stay calm.
- Don’t say, “I told you.” Even if you warned them of the consequences for their choices, and they still didn’t listen- you can’t say, “I told you so.” Being right is not the goal. Instead, the goal should be to support them in learning from their wrong choice. This is not a competition to prove that you are right and they are wrong. Showing they are wrong doesn’t teach better behavior.
- Don’t ask questions like, “How could you have done that? You know better! OR Why did you do that?” These questions don’t teach your child anything, either. In fact, you are likely to get the response, “I don’t know,” or excuses for their behavior.
- Listen to understand and find meaning for their actions. Don’t listen to their wrongdoing. Instead, look for understanding!
- Establish that you are a safe place of support. The goal is to create trust and security with your child.
- Lastly, help them find solutions and learn the lesson the mistake can teach them.
How do parents listen to understand, establish safety, and help their children learn from their mistakes? You need to ask the right questions! This is the secret sauce formula; you must ask the right questions! Questions that search for meaning, understanding, and enables you to explore solutions together.
“What kind of questions do that, Kristina?” you might be asking. Don’t worry! I won’t leave you hanging! Below are examples of questions to ask your child. You can change them to be more age-appropriate to fit your household. I highly suggest printing them out and keeping them handy, so you can use them the next time your child makes a mistake.
How did it come to this? What events led up to __(this mistake)__ that influenced your decision making?
Did you expect this to happen? What did you think the outcome would be?
Would you change anything that you did? Would you change anything that happened?
Did anyone influence you, or did you come to these choices on your own?
How has this changed you? What have you learned from this experience?
What can we do next time to either prevent this from happening again or to handle the situation better?
The right questions allow your child to process their mistakes and learn from them. Couple this, with a parent who isn’t yelling at them, but instead LISTENING to their side of the story, and now you have created an environment for your child to rise above their errors and be a better person! Children can’t do this alone. They need YOU. They need your support. They need your guidance to grow.