Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

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The Impactful Parenting Podcast helps parents turn their chaos into connection with their children. Through meaningful stories, the podcast provides parenting tips for making family life easier! Why? Because school-aged children bring different challenges to parenting that younger kids don’t! The Impactful Parenting Podcast provides help for raising your adolescent child. So if you’re asking yourself questions like: • ”Is this normal?” • ”Why is my teenager doing this?” • ”How do I get my child to stop?” • ”I am so frustrated. What do I do?” • ”Is anyone else experiencing this? I can’t be the only one.” • ”I am worried. What can I do?” Then YOU HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE! Hi! I am Kristina Campos. I am the founder of the Impactful Parent and my passion is creating better relationships between parents and their children. I am a parenting coach, a teacher who has taught every grade level from Pre-K through high school, and most importantly, I am a mom of 4 kids! (Yep, those are my kiddos in the podcast photo). The teen years don’t need to be difficult. Teenagers CAN have a special bond with their parents! Listen and discover the tools and techniques you need to create connections, build trust, and have a stress-free household. This is only the beginning! Let’s get started, together! -Kristina Campos Founder of The Impactful Parent

Episodes

Thursday Apr 08, 2021

076: Parenting During and After Divorce

Thursday Apr 08, 2021

Parenting During and After Divorce gives tips on:

How to limit the negative impact on your kids
Tips for making your communication effective
How to talk to kids and what to say
Things to talk about with your EX
Things to talk about with your new love interest
How to introduce a new love interest to your children
and much more!

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Transcript for Parenting During And After Divorce:

Kristina: Welcome to The Impactful Parent Inspire and Learn series. Real parents tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes. Still, a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes, and today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, Aaron Windtke. Aaron will talk to us about divorce and a father's perspective on going through a divorce. Thank you for being here, Aaron.

Aaron, you have four daughters, but I also know that you have gone through a divorce from talking to you earlier. And when that happens, family dynamics change. It is going to hurt the kids, no matter whether it's amicable or not. Divorce is just a painful transition for every family. Do you have any tips or advice that you can give the audience who are going through a divorce and try to minimize the negative impact that it might have on their family?

Aaron: Yeah, what a great question, and not an easy topic, so I'll do my best to address it. When I was going through my divorce, the first thing was to put the kids in counseling. It's very important that the kids understand it's not their fault and that they're not why the two adults are going their separate ways.

Also, I actually think I became a better dad because of my separation from my ex-wife. This is sad to say, but I took time with my kids for granted as a married man. I was just in a routine, you know. I got up, go to work, came home, and just never took time to appreciate all the little things. Once I got separated, I had time by myself versus time with the kids. I was more engaged in spending quality time with the children.

Kristina: My audience knows I'm a single mom of four kids. I have met plenty of single dads, and I hear that message from other single dads too. Once they got divorced, they became better fathers because they appreciated time with their kids so much more. Time with the children was not for granted anymore. It's really great that something good can come out of something that's not so great.

Aaron: Yeah, I think there are two sides to what you just said. It's intentional from the dad to the child. But the flip side is also intentional from the child to the dad, where there's an opportunity for the children to communicate with me. When I went through that, I had one child who didn't want to talk about anything. We would just write letters back and forth, and that was our way of communicating. There was another child who would just pull me aside, and we would sit in a room and talk to each other about how we were feeling and what was going on.

I found it was therapeutic to me to be open and honest with my daughters. It was good to be vulnerable and tell them that I was feeling sad and why. I also wanted to tell them how important they are to me in my life. I don't know if I did it right or wrong. I did the best I could. I think that's what we all need to remember as parents. We're doing the best we can off the information we have today. And so I think it's important as a parent to give yourself a break when you need a break. It's so easy to beat yourself up. There are so many things you're doing right and not giving yourself credit. You're doing way more right than what you think you're doing wrong.

Kristina: It's never too late to change and apologize to your kids. Tell them, "I didn't know. I'm going to do better from here, moving forward." I think this brings a lot of integrity to you, and it is such great role modeling for your children.

Did anything change about your parenting style after you got a divorce?

Aaron: I think it leveled the playing field. I felt like we became closer with our communication. I feel like we have more meaningful conversations now. It's weird, but the divorce has brought us closer together as a family.

Kristina: Sometimes, it takes a while for kids to accept their parents' separation. Kids can become very bitter and very mean to parents while going through pain in their hearts. I don't know if you experienced that with any of your daughters, but can you speak to any of them?

Aaron: It is a challenge. It is really important to stay on the same page as the ex in regards to the kids. Your new goal is to raise the best kids possible and put them ahead of your own needs. We can deal with our differences separately. I also want my girls to know that I talk about their mother with respect. Now the challenge is sometimes, as parents, we get weak. We have emotional breakdowns, and we may say stuff about the person we were once with that we probably shouldn't say. Sometimes the kids can see our flaws that might have been covered up before in the marriage. Sometimes divorce makes our flaws more obvious.

Kristina: My best piece of advice for any parent going through a divorce is: Under all circumstances, no matter how bad things get, try your very hardest NOT to say negative things about the other parent. Kids love their parents. That person you're talking about is their mom or dad, and your child loves that person. It doesn't matter how much at fault they might be or all the bad things they may have done. Kids love their parents. Even kids that are neglected and abused still love their parents. Every time the other parent speaks badly toward somebody that the child loves, it makes things very confusing for the child. Talking badly about the other parent makes the divorce more heart aching for the child.

Saying, "Don't talk bad about the other person," sounds easy, but it is not. You are human too, and you got a lot of feelings going through your body. It's easy to say bad things about the other spouse because we are in so much emotional pain. Sometimes it just slips out. So, my second piece of advice is to give yourself some grace when you mess up and say something bad. After you make a mistake, go back to your child and say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," and you admit your fault. Then tell your child why you said it, "I am hurt right now. I am going through a lot too. And it is through my emotions I said something I shouldn't have said. I'm so sorry I said it." Admitting your faults can be really helpful for your child.

Have you had to deal with your spouse remarrying or introducing your girl to a new woman?

Aaron: I have remarried. She has not.

Kristina: New love interests bring up a whole different dynamic to your family and the divorce. Do you have tips for a parent that has remarried or fallen in love again?

Aaron: It's challenging because nobody can replace the spouse. Regardless of how much you love this new person, they can't replace your ex. I think it's important to be open, honest, and communicate with the new person you are trying to integrate into the family. Be transparent. But yeah, there's no playbook on how to do this. One of the things that I tried to do was just one-on-one time with the new love interest. Really get to know them before you introduce them to the children. It's not easy.

Kristina: How did your daughters accept or not accept your new spouse when they were being introduced?

Aaron: They had a million questions. It was funny. I can still picture the day they met. They took her daughter one direction and took her in a different direction. They had so many interesting questions. They knew that this person's important enough for dad to bring around. They wanted to talk to her and ask ALL the questions. They also knew she must be pretty special.

Before the introductions, though, you have to talk to the new love interest about their expectations too. If they come in and say, "I'm your new mom. I'm in charge," that's not going to go over well. My wife is not trying to replace their mother. She plays more of a "friend" role. She and the girls have fun together. They do many fun things together, versus her sitting there telling them what to do. Those things you have to talk about upfront. As your new spouse, what's your approach, and how are we going to work together? There's a lot to talk about to hopefully have the best outcome possible.

Kristina: That's exactly it. I'm going to reiterate what you said.

Talk to the person that you're trying to bring into your family,
Get their viewpoint on where they want to stand inside your family dynamic.
Have open communication.

Aaron: Ask your new girlfriend/boyfriend, "What was it like growing up for you?" "What was your childhood like?" This is important because our default is how we were raised. People will fall back on what they learned as a child.

Kristina: Yes, exactly. And you really want to ask the children what they expect from the new spouse? What kind of relationship do they want? I think a mistake that many parents make is saying, "Hey, I love this new person. They're going to come in and join our family now," and that's it. No conversation.

My kids don't want another parent. They don't like it when someone comes into the home and tries to act like a mom or a dad. They're very open to somebody coming in and taking care of their parents. My kids want their parents to have a partner. They're not opposed to that. They are opposed to someone coming in and trying to replace the other parent or coming in and trying to tell them what to do. This is just another reason to have a good conversation with your new love and say, "Look, this is where my kids are coming from, and I want them to accept you and like you. And because I don't want you to mess up this relationship, let's talk about my kid's feelings and what they expect." Having that conversation can be powerful. Unfortunately, many parents skill this step altogether. We get so excited we found somebody else to love and love us that all sensibility goes out the window. You're just so happy to be back in love again. BUT, if you're listening to this right now, let's learn from other people's mistakes and do it right!

Aaron: You nailed it. That was fantastic. I should be taking notes. Treat your relationship with your children like the relationship with your significant other. You have to check-in and have date nights. Especially when you're introducing somebody new, you have to have a lot of check-ins. There's got to be a lot of conversation.

Kristina: Do you have any regrets about your divorce?

Aaron: I can honestly say I don't.

Kristina: That's good.

Aaron: I feel like I personally did everything humanly possible to prevent the divorce from happening. And that would be my piece of advice for people. When you think you've done everything you can in your marriage, go back and try again. Go back and try something different. Divorce should be a last resort. My parents have been married for over 50 years. I didn't want to go down this path, but I did. I live with that. But it's nice to know I can look in the mirror and say, I feel like I personally tried everything to make this work. I don't have any regrets. I wish it didn't happen for the children, but it did.

Hopefully, you can work things out with your spouse. Really try and find the route cause to the problems and stop playing the blame game. Unfortunately, usually, one person doesn't want to work on things and only wants to make you feel as bad as they do.

Kristina: It's very unfortunate, but it is common to get stuck in the cycle of hurting each other.

Do you have any suggestions for how you would talk to your kids about the divorce?

Aaron: That was a tough, tough conversation. I think a lot of it depends on the age of your children. My youngest had questions right away, but they were things like, what are we going to do for Christmas? What are we going to do for Easter?

Also, consider that your children may not even know that your marriage is on the rocks. Most parents will hide, to some degree, how bad things are getting in the relationship. Your kids may be caught off guard. There's usually a significant emotional gap between the parents and the kids. You have to be patient and let your kids process the situation. Show up with open ears to listen.

Kristina: I think it's important that you acknowledge some kids will be relieved that their parents are getting a divorce because they're in a very toxic environment. Some kids are on the other side of the spectrum and hearing all the pain, yelling, and disagreement. Then, there's the flip side. The parents that are very amicable in front of their children, and then the divorce becomes a huge surprise. I'm not saying show your kids there's a problem. I'm saying, don't forget to consider the child's perspective. Give your child space and the grace to process what they're going through. Remember, your child might be blindsided because you hid the "bad" so well.

Aaron: And something I just like to touch on is, How you saw your parents argue growing up is usually your default way to deal with your own anger. If one of your parents gave the silent treatment, that might be your default response when you have an argument. It is also how your kids might react to the news of the divorce. If you give the silent treatment when you're angry, don't be surprised when your kids do the same to you.

This is also a conversation to have with your new love interest. How do you deal with stress? How do you deal with arguments or disagreements? What will be the rules of engagement, and how will we communicate with each other?

Kristina: Rules of engagement! I love that term. How are we going to talk to each other? It is a great conversation to have with your children, your ex, and your new spouse. These conversations aren't easy, but they will help in the long run. How do you initiate these conversations?

Aaron: One of the things that work well for me is, we'll go for a walk, where we're side by side versus face to face. I find that it relaxes us both, and we can have a more open dialogue. I used to joke about people that sit side by side at a restaurant. I never understood why people sat side by side. Well, it turns out you can have difficult conversations sitting beside each other!

As parents, it's easy to want to give advice on everything when we're talking to our kids. I would encourage you to say, "Tell me more," instead.

Kristina: I find that the side-by-side conversation is a lot more effective and impactful than the front-to-front conversation, especially with teenagers. Remember that it is a lot more intimidating when you're facing someone than side-by-side. A side-by-side conversation also leads to touching. If your child's love language is physical touch, being able to hold their hand or put your hand on their shoulder or give them a little side hug works best side by side.

If anybody out there resonates with you and wants to know more about what you do and how you can help them, how could they get ahold of you?

Aaron: I started a coaching business in 2020 to help other adult parent coach business owners. You can reach me at purposeandwisdomcoaches.com

Kristina: Thank you for talking with me today. I really appreciate your perspective and expertise.

Parents, if you have an inspiring story that you want to share on The Impactful Parent, please go to the Impactful Parent's website. https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me We want to learn from you.

But until next time, you got this, parents. We are just here to help.

Wednesday Apr 07, 2021

077: 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe

Wednesday Apr 07, 2021

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How do I keep my teenage daughter safe now that she is independent? Answer: 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram. Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms. Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience. Email: theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe:

Today we will talk about children’s physical safety. Don’t miss this Q and A Live video. I will be giving you 8 Must-Have-Lessons you need to do with your child today, whether you have an 8-year-old or an 18-year-old- it doesn’t matter.

Hi, My name is Kristina, founder of The Impactful Parent, and I come here every Thursday to answer one of your questions LIVE. If you have a question for me next week, you can directly message me on social media or email me at theimpactfulparent@gmail.com. All submissions are kept anonymous.

Okay, let’s talk about our question today: How Do I Keep My Teenage Girl Safe now that she is an independent young person doing her own things?

I know that letting your teen become more independent is scary. The best way to combat your fears and keep your child safe is to teach them how to stay safe. Today I will give you my 8 MOST IMPORTANT SAFETY LESSONS YOU NEED TO TEACH YOUR CHILD. And yes- teach them these 8 lessons at ANY age. You should practice and talk about these safety tips at least once a year, like a fire drill. Repeating this conversation once a year is super impactful! It will allow your child to grow with the lesson, understand it in new ways. As they grow, the lessons become ingrained in their brain. The more the lessons are revisited, your chances increase that your child will do the right thing if presented in a situation where they need to call on their skills.

Lesson 1: Teach your child to be aware of their surroundings. Now, more than ever, kids are distracted from the world because they stare at a screen. Parents will teach their children to put down the phone when they drive, but many forget to teach their children to put down the phone when they walk. Walking with your head looking down and distracted by a screen makes your child an easy target for profiling, mugging, kidnapping, and other offenses. Teach your child to walk with their head up. Walk with confidence and direction. When you walk with purpose and aware of your surroundings, you minimize your appeal to be threatened. Plus, don’t just talk about walking with purpose and the phone put away, but also have your child physically practice it. Muscle memory is sometimes what people have to rely on when in a tense and unfamiliar situation. Creating all the lessons today into muscle memory by repeatedly acting out scenarios is, hands down, the most effective way to teach your child these lessons. They will remember them and use them in times of need.

I make Lesson 1 a game with my kids. I may go to the park and have them close their eyes and tell me what is around them? What do they remember seeing? Practice being observant of your surroundings.

Lesson 2: Teach your child to move out of reach. I highly suggest putting your children into some sort of martial art or self-defense classes if possible. However, if you can’t enroll your child in that kind of extracurricular activity, at the very least, teach your child HOW to move out of reach of someone trying to grab them. Whether you roleplay an aggressive boyfriend/girlfriend, a stranger is trying to give your kids candy, or just play that good old “Try-and-slap-my-hands-on-top-of-your-hands” game, teach your child HOW to move away from people with intention. Teach them how to step back also. Have them use more than just their upper body to shy away. Teach your child how to step away and run too.

Lesson 3: Staying out of reach. Just like lesson 2, kids need to practice staying out of reach. Teach your child how to keep moving with intentionality and confidence. Roleplay being a kidnapper. Or, for older children, roleplay a pushy boyfriend/girlfriend that won’t take no for an answer. Either way, practice CONTINUOUSLY moving away. This brings me to lesson 4.

Lesson 4 is: Teach your child to say NO, and STOP. Have your child practice holding their ground. Have them practice saying no and moving away. Teach your child how to remove someone’s hand off their body and step away. Lesson 4 is more than just learning how to say NO and STOP; but it also includes teaching your child the body language they need to accompany those words. No one will listen to your child if they only learn how to say no weakly. Kids need to practice standing tall, standing confident, saying no with conviction, and make eye contact with their perpetrators.

Lesson 5: Teach your child how to set boundaries for their physical and mental wellbeing. Teach your child that boundaries are important. We can’t be happy when we spread ourselves too thin, are trying to please everybody, and are worried about what others will think of us. With younger kids, practice saying, “Please stop” to peers and adults. Practice holding boundaries when someone is insisting and won’t take no for an answer. Teach your child how to turn down invitations politely and with assertion. For older kids, practice saying, “Stop or I’ll leave.” From an early age, praise your child for setting boundaries on their physical space and with their mental wellbeing.

Lesson 6: Teach your child to always announce where they are AND get permission before they change their plan about going anywhere with anyone. Even when my children were little and left the room, I had them get in the habit of always telling me where they were. Yes, it is a little weird to announce if you are leaving the room to go to the bathroom, but in my household- that is what we do because we always tell someone where we are. As a young children, I made it a habit to announce their whereabouts that as my teenagers grew, it felt weird to them to hide their plans from me. Even if you have an older child, teach them to announce where they are and always check in before changing their plans.

Lesson 7: Teach your child to always have a Plan B. For young children, this is going to be a discussion with you, the parent. What will you do if you get lost? What will you do if you’re waiting for me? What will you do if you don’t make the team? Teaching your child to have a Plan B is reassuring to the child and creates security. It shows them that things won’t always work out the way we wanted, but that’s okay because they have a plan B. I find that children who have a plan B are more confident and less traumatized when things don’t go as planned. For teenagers, Plan B is even more important. Teach your child to have a Plan B every time they go to a party. Every time they feel peer pressure, and always create a safe way “out” when they find they are in a bad situation.

Lesson 8: Teach your child to fight, scream, kick, and go crazy if someone is threatening them. This is a big one. Most kids get suppressed by adults who are up to no good because the adult says that they will “Tell on them” or “Hurt their family.” Kids will suppress other kids because they make threats like, “If you don’t do what I want, then next time is going to be worse.” It doesn’t really matter what kind of threat your child may receive; they need to know that the right course of action is to make a commotion and tell a trusted adult. Do NOT hide and give the perpetrator more power. It is scary for any child to be threatened, but the threats are worse when your child doesn’t know what to do and feels helpless to help themselves. Teach your child to take back their power by making a commotion.

Tuesday Apr 06, 2021

027: Overprotective Parenting

Tuesday Apr 06, 2021

Overprotective Parenting

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Transcript:

What do you want more than anything else in the world for your child?

To be happy, right?! Is that what you said in your brain. If it is, you apart of the majority of parents out there. I am here to tell you that although this is natural- it also could be a problem!

Why? Because a lot of us take this “wish” for our kids to extremes and the result is: Enabling, Hover parents, and anxiety and stress in our kids AND for ourselves!

I am picked this topic this week because we are approaching the holiday season and this season is especially ridiculed with “expectations and the need to be happy”. So although it is natural to want happiness for your child, you need to step back and consider the consequences.

Let’s break this down a little further. What do we really mean when we say “we want our kids happy?” Well, for most of us- this means we don’t want our kids to experience pain. As a parent, you can step in and help your child avoid physical pain, however, you can not protect them from emotional pain- nor should you want to! Life is full of emotional pain. It is how we live. Having emotional pain and sadness teaches us to be grateful for happiness. If you are trying to prevent your child from experiencing emotional pain, then you are also robbing them of living and learning from it.

One of my favorite examples of this is from Walt Disney’s Nemo. Dory is so wise in the movie when she is talking about Nemo to Marlen. Marlen is Nemo’s dad and a classic hover parent. She says to him,

“You can’t ever let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him!”

You have to let your child experience life and part of that experience is emotional pain. When you think of it that way, you realize that protecting kids from pain is unrealistic. In fact, it is doing them a disservice! The best lessons in life are learned through pain. I am sure that you have had a painful experience in your life and when you recovered from it, you were wiser and better for it. Maybe it was a heartache, maybe you got caught doing something… whatever it was- it was the EXPERIENCE that made you LEARN and then you grew from that experience. As a teacher, I can tell you with all certainty that we don’t learn best from books or theory- we learn from experience.

So is it unrealistic to hope for no pain for our children or to shelter them too much? I am not saying that you let them do whatever they want- yes, boundaries are important, but there is a balance between protecting them and letting them live and make their own choices.

Furthermore, IF it is unrealistic to expect no pain in their lives then we, as parents, are setting OURSELVES up for disappointment and heartache when we try to overprotect them. This is a parenting expectation that you can’t win. So let go of this unrealistic expectation.

I am going to go one step further and suggest that you teach your kids that pain, failure, heartache, and disappointment in their life is absolutely NORMAL. Some of the depression that exists in our young people today stems from unrealistic expectations of how their life should be. With social media only glorifying and portraying the “good” moments- our young people are being manipulated to think that their life should be that good. They should look that good, feel that good, be that happy… If you have signed up for my newsletter, Big Impact, you got my email about this. Life isn’t that great. Lol, Social media influence is stupid and completely fake!

Dr. Shefali Tsabary suggests that as parents we should teach our kids not to gain any self-worth from external success. She says our children should not base any part of who they are on the external. This sounds easy, but it isn’t. We live in a society that gives a ribbon to everyone who participates because we think the ribbon will teach the kid that they are valued on the team. We pack our kid's schedules with activity after activity because society has told us that they need to be well-rounded, high achievers, and good at everything. How stressful for our young people! This artificially induced pressure is ridiculous! Stop making your kids feel overburdened! It’s ok.

So what can you do about this? Here are your Impactful Parent tips:

Start by sitting down with your kids and asking them, - how do you really feel about ________ Football, flute lessons, whatever the activities are. Did they pick those activities or did you pick those activities for them? Ask them, If you could quit that activity and try something new, would you? What would you try? LISTEN to your kids. Sometimes we project our likes and desires on our kids (which is a whole different topic for another day) but be aware of the question, “Is my kid doing this because they want to or because they feel like it is expected of them?”
When they are having emotional pain, here are your dos and don’ts

Don’t: Don’t ask what happened… yet.

Do: Instead, start with empathy. Say something like, I see you are upset. I am just going to sit right here and be with you for a bit. If you want to talk about why you’re upset, I am here to listen. Then just sit and be there. Listen. Validate their feelings.

Don’t: Don’t say ‘You SHOULD have done this…” You should have done that… This turns kids off- especially teenagers. You can process better choices later AFTER they have had time to process their feelings. Give them one thing to focus on at a time. They don’t want your advice at that moment. They want someone to hear them!

Do: Stay calm- no matter WHY they are upset.

Don’t: Don’t get upset yourself and make judgments about the situation. This is really bad. If you start saying stuff like, “I knew that friend was horrible” or getting emotionally charged yourself, they won’t be able to calm down AND you will be digging yourself a hole when they will be friends again with that person next week.

Much like when your child was a toddler and they fell- if you react like “OH NO…. and scream- then they will scream. But if you are calm, then they learn to fall and remain calm. Even teenagers are looking to you for guidance on how they should be controlling their emotions.

Well, thank you for joining me today. I hope my message was impactful to a few of you out there that may be needed to hear that message. You are an impactful parent. Parenting is hard and you got this!

Thursday Apr 01, 2021

075: Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent

Thursday Apr 01, 2021

Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent

Here are the links from today’s episode:

KudoBanz (positive reinforcement AR bracelets) https://kudobanz.com/

Play Attention (clinically tested ADHD software) https://www.playattention.com/

Sphero https://sphero.com/products/mini-kit

Pixicade (formerly Doodlematic, turn drawings into video games) https://www.tinkdigital.com/

T9 (programmable transforming robot) https://robosen.com/shop/product/t9-1

Gabb Wireless (great 1st phone for kids) https://gabbwireless.com/

Amazon Kindle Kids Edition (curated e-reader) https://www.amazon.com/All-new-Kindle-Kids-Edition-includes-access-to-thousands-of-books/dp/B07NMY72SC

AirFort (quickly inflating silk igloo) https://www.airfort.com/

SpotMyUV https://spotmyuv.com/

----------

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Transcript for Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent :

Kristina: Welcome impactful parents! Today we are going to talk about gadgets and technology that can help us be better parents and help our children learn and grow. I have a special guest Scott Tharler, who is a gadget expert. Scott has over 20 years of technology, journalist experience where he has been publicized in several different tech magazines. He is a father of two girls and one boy who launched his new program called The Family CTO. The Family CTO is a new kind of gadget website that enhances your digital lifestyle with fun and practical things. Thank you for being here, Scott!

Scott: Kristina, thanks for having me.

Kristina: How can gadgets help parents and really make an impact on parenting?

Scott: Well, some gadgets will directly help you be a better parent. The first is called Kudo Bands. Kudo Bands are cute little bracelets that children wear as a reward system tracker. It is all about positive reinforcement. You start by asking your child what behaviors they believe they should be rewarded for. Sharing a toy? Helping out? Chores? Whatever it is, you program the bracelet for those activities. Each time they do tasks that should be rewarded, the children receive a little trinket. The trinket fits right onto the bracelet. When children get three trinkets, they unlock something. The third trinket is a special thing that uses augmented reality to reward your child. That means when I hold up my phone with the app over the bracelet, a magical animated thing happens that says congratulations, you just unlock something. Then children get to spin a prize wheel to see what they won. The secret is, the children already picked what they wanted for prize options when parents programmed the bracelet. I like prizes like going out for ice cream, a movie, a special daddy-daughter date, etc. Whatever it is, they get to choose what that thing is! This bracelet gets kids invested in the reward system right-away! I find it works best for ages 4-8.

Kristina: Oh yes! I could see these bracelets even working for my 10-year-old. He loves positive reinforcement and thrives off it. What else do you have for us?

Scott: I recently heard about one that is called Play Attention. It is for ADHD. It's a software program that helps kids focus. It uses clinically proven Neurofeedback to encourage kids to stay focused. It is such an interesting concept that you can train your brain to focus without popping a pill. I thought that was sort of a fun, proactive way to use technology.

Kristina: What are some of the things you have behind you?

Scott: I have got some fun things behind me, actually. This one is called Spiro. Spiro creates robotic spheres that you control with your phone, and the ball goes all over the place. They are the company that helped do the technology for BB8 in the Star Wars movies. The child sets up obstacle courses and programs the ball/sphere to maneuver the course. It is just fun to see a little ball go around and around.

This one is called Doodlematic. It is amazing. Kids draw with real markers on real paper, and then take their drawings and turn them into a video game! It's NOT just- they draw a picture, and then boom, the things do some weird animation. Doodlematic is a kit that takes you through directions on how a video game works. Your child needs a main character, and the characters need to be trying to do something. There also needs to be something trying to keep them from doing that thing. And so, it really helps kids develop their storytelling skills and creativity. The end product is their very own video game.

Probably the showstopper is this guy. This is a robot from a company called Robo Sen. His name is T-9. He is a transforming robot. But that isn't all! You can also program T-9 to do things. There are about 10 different commands you can give it. T-9 will start dancing around, shoot guns, and doing all sorts of really fun stuff. But what is cool about it is, your kids will learn to code through this product. Kids can literally program him to do push-ups or a dance routine, whatever they want him to do! This is the kind of toy that grows with your child.

Kristina: So many great gadgets! This is amazing.

Scott: The next gadget is a phone called Gab Wireless. It is a phone, stripped-down, and only has 14 apps. It does not do streaming. You cannot load more apps onto it. It does not do email. It doesn't do the internet. It only does what a kid's phone needs to do: call, text, take pictures, and record audio-video. That is it. There is a calendar on the phone, so you can put in chores and things like that. Still, essentially, it's just a simple phone. You do not even need parental controls because there's nothing else that a kid can do with it. Another great feature of this phone is its GPS feature. You can see exactly where your child and the phone are located. I love it because it makes me feel connected to my kids. I have peace of mind, and I know that they can do what they need to do, and they are not going to be addicted to their screen.

Kristina: That's a great one. I can see myself using it for a young child or even a teenager that has lost Smart-Phone privileges.

Scott: It should be a child's first phone. Because you do not just hand a kid a motorcycle and tell them to ride it. First, you give them a tricycle, then a bicycle and children work their way up. Why would you hand a child an iPhone? It does not matter if it's an old iPhone. It's still connected to the great big world.

Many people get turned off by technology because they think gadget equals screen, equals turn off your brain. I like gadgets that don't have a screen. I have one here. Here is my favorite thing that has no screen. It is called Air Fort. It is a silk igloo that inflates in seconds. Now your child can build a fort in the house without all the mess! Clean up and set up are so fast and easy.

Kristina: Forts and gadgets are fantastic for rainy days and snow days. Parents need resources they can count on for entertaining their kids productively when we cannot be there.

Scott: Here is a cool technology for parents! It is called Spot-My-UV. It is basically a sun protection thing. Spot-My-UV is a dot that you put on your shoulder when you plan to be in the sun for a while. You put sunscreen on the dot and on yourself. The dot is made from a material that acts just like your skin. Parents apply sunscreen to their child and the dot, and later, when the dot dries out, it turns purple. Now you know when it is time to reapply sunscreen. No more guessing or watching the clock!

Kristina: These gadgets can make us better parents. Scott, if anybody wanted to get ahold of you for more gadget stuff, how would they do that?

Scott: Well, I have a podcast, or you can reach out to me directly. It is Scott@thefamilyCTO.com

Kristina: Thank you so much for being here today, Scott. You have much to offer.

But until next time, you got this, parents. We are just here to help.

Tuesday Mar 30, 2021

026: Anxiety and Depression Help

Tuesday Mar 30, 2021

Anxiety and Depression Help with special guest Anne Hayes talks about a controversial topic: Coffee! Yep, Anne Hayes talks about the benefits of coffee to help our young people with their anxiety and depression. Listen and learn about this interesting concept that could help YOUR child.

For more help with anxiety management, check out my behavior management online course! Discover how YOU can help your child and get started TODAY! Check out https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety for more information about this course!

PLUS- that’s not all! Check out the webinar for the steps you need to start seeing change! Yep, I am giving you the steps you need to help your child with their anxiety for FREE! Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar for this priceless content! So grab a pencil and paper and watch today!

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer! https://theimpactfulparent.com Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too! Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Transcript:

Anne Hayes, aka Mama G, is a speaker, an author, an inspirational rapper, and a single mom of two teens. She is the founder of KickA$$ Happyness, a global movement that seeks to empower teens to experience a more joyful and fulfilling life.

Kristina: Thank you for coming today, Anne.

Anne: Glad to be here. I am at the end of raising two teens. Finally, done with the rough 14-17-year-old period and what I found during the hard times is that I struggled with anxiety and depression. Both of my kids have struggled, and also many of the teens that I have worked with over the years have struggled with anxiety and depression. It’s sad because we just want to be happy.

Kristina: Teen anxiety and depression is such a huge problem right now. I know you want to talk about the potential benefit of coffee with teens. This is intriguing. Tell me more.

Anne: Ok, here is the deal. I had a different perspective before I was managing the challenges I had with my daughter. I was the parent that said, “My kids aren’t going to drink coffee.” I had developed a belief system due to my upbringing, where I thought that teenagers drinking coffee were unhealthy. That it could become addictive, it could be problematic. There were adverse side effects. If I had grown up in Latin America or Europe, I might have thought very differently. But specifically with my daughter, who suffers from both anxiety and depression- I can tell you right now that coffee because it has caffeine in it, is a natural nootropic. Nootropic is the big buzz word! We want mental clarity, we want to be able to focus, we want to be able to concentrate, we want to have energy, we want to enhance our mood, and guest what- Caffeine does all of that! Especially when you can enjoy the aroma of coffee, the taste, etc. there are a lot of different ways to enjoy coffee! My daughter used to drink a big Dunkin Donuts large cup a couple times a day with crème and sugar! Of course, I was concerned, but I also realized that it was getting her through. It helped uplift her enough because she was struggling so much with the depression. I also work with a lot of teens that experience a lot of anxiety. They prefer NOT to drink coffee because they feel it makes them jittery. To that, I am not saying, “Drink it!” although I do think it has its benefits, maybe try decaffeinated options because the decaffeinated coffee still gives you the benefits of the nootropics. It has been scientifically proven. And by the way, my daughter never became addicted. As she healed and transformed, she began to rely less on coffee and doesn’t feel like she needs it every day. The bottom line is, coffee has these benefits! As a parent, if I am drinking coffee every day, and I enjoy the aroma and the experience, how am I going to turn around and tell my teen no! You understand, as The Impactful Parent, that when we try to control too much, it does not enhance our relationship with our children. We need to pick and choose our battles. It is my belief that coffee should not be one of those battles.

Kristina: I like how you confronted that some people won’t like this idea. They believe that the negatives outweigh the benefits. But I will also tell you from my own experience with a child struggling with anxiety and depression, that these parenting moments are scary. You will do anything to help your child get through the day. Your last worry is an addiction to coffee when there are so many other addictive agents out there that are much more harmful. I really appreciate that you bring on this new idea and it is so simple!

Thank you, Anne, for coming on to The Impactful Parent. For more information about Anne and to contact her, you can reach her at http://annehayes360.com

Thursday Mar 25, 2021

073: Surviving A Narcissistic Mother.

Thursday Mar 25, 2021

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother with special guest Charity Buhrow. Charity speaks about her personal experiences living with a narcissistic mom, how she overcame the emotional abuse, and she gives tips for other people who might be dealing with a similar situation. Learn from Charity in this powerful interview!

Here are the links from today’s episode: Charity's website is ryzempowerment.com

Plus- Do you have a child that struggles with ANXIETY? I CAN HELP! The FREE webinar on my fully online course to help children with big emotions will give you the framework you need to see a change in your child's behaviors! Check it out at https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

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Transcript for Surviving a Narcissistic Mother:

Kristina: Welcome parents to The Impactful Parent's Inspire and Learn Series, where real parents come on and tell their stories of inspiration and learning. Because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. So let's learn today from our guest speaker Charity Buhrow. Charity is going to talk to us today about Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

Charity: Thank you for having me. I'm really excited to be here.

Kristina: I'm sure there is a journey that has gotten you to this place, and I know it's probably a really long story for you, but I really would like to hear how you grew up.

Charity: As a kid, we lived in a rural area of Wisconsin. Great childhood, when I look back on it. When I was little, we had go-karts and swimming pools. We lived out in the country, and we rode bikes to go hang out with the friends. As I got older, around eight or nine years old, my mom told me, "I'm your mom first. But we have the potential to be best friends. I want you to tell me everything in anything." Ideal, right? But as I got older, things changed slowly. It was confusing. I would share things with her that were super intimate, but then it would get thrown back in my face. It would throw me off. Self-doubt started to set at a very, very young age. And it was so subtle.

There was a time where she bought me a diary. She told me I can keep all my intimate thoughts in that diary and the diary even had a lock on it. She told me that I don't have to worry about anyone breaking in and reading my personal information. Then one day, she started answering my passages of writing. I was like, "Whoa, wait, what?" She would write things back to me like, "You're ungrateful. Maybe if you had not acted like that, I wouldn't have needed to yell." She completely violated my trust on such a deep level. It was at that moment that distrust started.

Another example is math. I loved math. My mom told me, "You're so bad at it. You're stupid." That was confusing to me because I had As in school, and my teachers told me I was doing a great job. Later, as a young adult, I ended up in accounting. I kept asking myself, "Why do I have this job? I'm horrible at math." I didn't realize that was residual from her trauma. I was actually thriving at that job. Later, I quit.

[caption id="attachment_2732" align="alignright" width="300"] Surviving a Narcissistic Parent Surviving a Narcissistic Mother[/caption]

There are more subtle examples. I was really thin growing up. I was a very tall blonde. Many people told me I should model, but my mom didn't want me to be seen as the center of attention. She told me that because I was blonde, no one would take me seriously. In reality, I am smart! All of this was so hurtful coming from my mom.

Everything was always about her. She would buy my clothes and dress me but tell me not to tell my dad. She encouraged me to lie to my dad! That was a struggle! He was the primary moneymaker, and I liked my dad. It was hard to lie.

On the outside, we looked like an ideal family. My friends never believed me. They never saw the bad stuff. My hair and makeup always had to be done. I would tell her, "Mom, I have this opportunity." She would respond, "No, you can't do it. I don't want them looking at you. I don't want them to judge me based on you." She was also paranoid about others. She told me not to ever talk about money outside of the house. Mom said, "They're trying to take our money." I was confused.

My grandparents lived five doors down from us. I really wanted to have a relationship with them because they were so close. I would ask to go visit them, and she would tell me, "No, no, no, no, no! They're spying on us. They break into our house. You can't talk to them. They hate me." You see, it was always about her.

She got a part-time job one time at one of the local taverns. People loved her great personality. But she came home one day, and all her friends turned on her. They finally saw through her lies and deception. Then it really started to spiral downhill pretty quick. She started videotaping the neighbors. She would watch the videos and be like, "Look what they're doing. I can't believe they're doing that." She also stopped taking me to dance class and blamed it on my dad. I love dance class. He wanted us to be active, but she wouldn't admit that she didn't like taking the time out of her day to drive me back and forth from dance.

Eventually, I realized that my self-esteem had plummeted. By the time I was 19 years old, I was terrified of judgment and thought everyone was out to get me. I didn't think I'd ever make anything of myself. I didn't even go to college because she told me she would only help me pay for school if I went to her school of choice and studied what she wanted me to study. She also told me I was never going to make it. One day, she even spent all the money in my saving that I had saved from work. I was desperate, so I moved out as soon as I could.

Kristina: I get this feeling that you felt like a puppet.

[caption id="attachment_2736" align="alignright" width="300"]Surviving a Narcissistic Mother[/caption]

Charity: Yes.

Kristina: If someone hearing your story right now thinks they might be victims of a narcissistic parent, but they still aren't quite sure, how would you tell them it feels? What other adjectives could you give to how that felt?

Charity: Confusion is a big thing. It is an emotional roller coaster. One minute you feel love; the next, you are full of shame. You feel responsible for their suffering and their pain. It's very disheartening. You beat yourself up for it.

Kristina: What are some red flags?

Charity: They were everywhere! Now I see them, but then it was mainly a deep unsettled feeling. The confusion is big. I would tell someone that it is a sign when their parent gives you this bad feeling repetitively. You're always being blamed, and they are never at fault. You're going to start feeling crazy. Like you are the problem.

Kristina: I can see that one of the hardest things about this as a child would be, wanting to get help from somebody, but knowing that whoever you talk to, they're not going to believe you. Your mom is just too likable!

Charity: Yes. Oh, that is a big one. That's a huge one. I ran into that roadblock. I would go to someone, and I would explain what was going on. They would tell me I was being hypersensitive. Five years later, many came back and apologized. I would tell others that you need to keep going until you find someone willing to listen. After a while, you burnt out if no one hears you. I thought, "I don't want to go home. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to have to explain this to another person yet again, just to be shot down." You start to doubt yourself a lot, and you start to feel like you're crazy.

Kristina: What was your 'A-ha' moment that made you realize you needed help?

Charity: My first marriage. When I graduated, I moved out three days after graduation, I could not get out of that house fast enough.

My mom kept trying to come over to my new home. She criticized everything. The dishes weren't done, the decorating wasn't good enough, it wasn't clean enough… That was MY space! I didn't need her opinions. I told her to go home several times. Then I stopped going over to her house too. I started to notice that I felt better the more I pulled away.

Then I met a guy. We decided we wanted to have kids, but something just didn't sit right. I got pregnant anyway, and we got married because I panicked. I didn't want my kids to grow up being ridiculed like I was for having parents with different last names. Then I had my daughter. I was holding her in my arms, and I looked over him and thought, "What did I do?" That was my aha moment! That's when I realized I had married a person just like my mom. Oh, crap! I realized I had a couple choices. I can let this make me really bitter and really unhappy and stay stuck, OR I can use this as a stepping stone to get better.

Kristina: What are those first steps to recovery?

Charity: Recognize that you are not at fault. The second step is to find a doctor.

I found a primary care physician. She was fantastic. It took me nine tries to find her, but when I found her, I knew that she would listen to me. She was absolutely amazing. I had thrown off my back, had two young children. My fibroid was all over the board. I was a hot mess. I was replaying my childhood with my new husband and blown away by how similar it was. He kept telling me I was crazy and needed drugs. I walked into the doctor's office crying. Fortunately, the doctor saw past my physical pain to my emotional pain and encouraged me to see a counselor.

Find someone you trust and find someone you're comfortable with to support you and help you dissect your pain. It doesn't have to be a counselor. It can also be a coach. Find someone and get help.

Kristina: You have so much to offer with your experiences to help empower others.

Charity: It took a few years, but I finally came to peace with my mom. I realize now that my mom didn't know what she was doing. She didn't set out to purposely harm me. Her behaviors were stemmed from how she was raised. I don't hold ill will. My experiences have taught me how to be a good mom. I can't help but feel grateful for what I have been through. It made me who I am today.

Kristina: It feels like you have healed, and it is great to hear you don't have resentment toward your mother. If people resonate with your story today and want to reach out and learn more from you, how would they do that?

Charity: The best way to get a hold of me would be my website is www.rzempowerment.com

Kristina: Thank you, Charity! It was a pleasure to have you on the show.

And until next time, you got this parents. We're just here to help!

Thursday Mar 25, 2021

048: How To Help Angry Kids

Thursday Mar 25, 2021

How To Help Angry Kids

How To Help Angry Kids. Tips for teaching your child self-control and have less impulsivity. Getting to the root of the issue and helping.

For more help with anger management, check out my behavior management online course! Discover how YOU can help your child and get started TODAY! Check out https://theimpactfulparent.com/angry for more information about this course!

PLUS- that’s not all! Check out the webinar for the steps you need to start seeing change! Yep, I am giving you the steps you need to help your child with their anger for FREE! Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/webinar for this priceless content! So grab a pencil and paper and watch today!

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: My Child's anger is getting worse and worse. How do I help them?

**How To Help Angry Kids episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, Linked In, and Instagram. Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms. Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience. Email: theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

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Tuesday Mar 23, 2021

074: Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen

Tuesday Mar 23, 2021

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How To Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen

FREE PDF mentioned in the podcast: https://theimpactfulparent.com/problem-solving

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Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen:

Power struggles as your child get older are developmentally appropriate. When your child is young, they rely on you 100%, and as they age, their self-power increases little by little, but when kids are young, they take our opinions and words as gold. Little children just accept the things we say as truth. As kids get older and become more independent thinkers, that's when the questioning comes into play, and the power struggles begin.

The most popular reason at the heart of the power struggle that I have seen is the parents not wanting to control. When parents are in control, it feels safe and secure to us. Losing control is scary, and we all know that kids make bad choices, so we don't like to trust our children. This lack of trust to let our children make their own choices and decisions come from fear for the parent. We don't want to see our kids hurt by bad choices. Many parents don't want to lose control of their child's influence because they see it as more opportunities for their child to get hurt. The power struggle actually comes from a place of love in this circumstance.

As your child grows older and this exchange of power shifts, parents lose total control, and what remains is only influence. Yep, I said it. Parents, you can not force your child to do anything they don't want to do. You lose control. You may try to make their life so miserable that your choice is the only desirable choice your adolescent has- but in the end, it is still your child's choice. So, since parents are only left with influence as their best source of power, today, I will give you some tips for avoiding the power struggle and have the greatest influence on your child.

Tip #1 for avoiding the power struggle is making strong bonds with your child from the ages of 8-12. These are the tween years, and they are the most critical years, in my opinion, to form your relationship with your child. Parents who make a secure bond with their child have much more success influencing their teenager later because the foundation to trust you is already built.

Tip #2 for avoiding the power struggle is to help your child understand and accept their power. This might sound counterintuitive, but you want your child to feel like they have choices in life, and your there to help them learn to make the right choices. You want to make sure your child understands that you are not there to dictate their lives but rather support them through life. This sentiment allows teens to let down their guard and gives the teenager space to open up to you. This also means that as a parent, you have to shift your focus from talking to listening. This brings me to tip #3

Tip #3 for avoiding the power struggle means thinking of your parental role more as a coach than an authoritarian. Good coaches stand on the sidelines and give guidance on how their player can improve their game. When a player is in a match and makes a mistake, the coach doesn't walk onto the court or the field, take the ball and start playing for the player. No. When parents are approached by their adolescent with the question, "What should I do, Mom?" the parent gives the child answers. Giving your child answers doesn't teach them to problem-solve or think for themselves.

Tip #4 for avoiding power struggles is teaching your child how to be analytical and problem-solvers. To do this, parents need to learn how to ask the right questions, they need to learn how to be active listeners, and they need to learn how to be patient with this process. It sounds easy when I say it, but let's get real… being an active listener and helping your child learn to problem solve is exhausting. It takes time and effort, and many parents don't have the energy to do it at the end of a long workday. This can be one of their biggest mistakes.

So how do parents teach their kids to be analytical problem-solvers? The answer is helping your child come to their OWN conclusions and choices by walking with them step-by-step through decision making. If you don't allow your child to make their own choices and only give them directives, they will never internalize their choice. It is so easy for humans to say, "I just did it because they told me to," and not learn from their mistakes or take responsibility for their actions. Your adolescent needs to learn how to make good choices, which will never happen if you make all the choices for them. When parents call too many of the shots- that is when the power struggle rears its ugly head. But you can influence your child into making better choices by leading them into problem-solving with your help and guidance. This then becomes a win-win situation.

I have a FREE PDF to help you through the process of teaching problem-solving with your child. Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/problem-solving to get this FREE PDF TODAY.

Thursday Mar 18, 2021

071: Lesson From A Mom of 10 Kids!

Thursday Mar 18, 2021

This is a can't miss interview! Laura Hernandez, mom of 10 kids, tells the Impactful Parent community lessons from being a mom of 10! Laura highlights some special topics such as foster-to-adopt, how to stay organized, what's it is like to have children with special needs, and so much more!

Here are some questions that I ask Laura during our meeting:

Do you have any tips for the foster-to-adopt process?
What are your children's special needs, and how do you help them?
What were your special needs expectations?
Are you afraid the biological parents will come back?
What is the best part of the foster-to-adopt experiences?
How do you create quality time with 10 kids?
Do you ever go out to eat?
How do you drive 10 kids around?
What are your tips for creating systems?
How do you make yourself a priority?

If you are considering adoption or foster-to-adopt in your city, this is a great video resource! Listen as this real mom of foster kids talks candidly about her struggles and triumphs of being a foster mom.

Laura is full of great information, and anyone can learn from this experienced mom! Read, Listen, or watch the video!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Tuesday Mar 16, 2021

072: Phone Addiction

Tuesday Mar 16, 2021

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How can I tell if my teen has a phone addiction? What can I do to minimize phone use?

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Phone Addiction In Adolescents:

Signs of a teenager being addicted to their cell phone. What is too much screen time? How to manage it?

Screen addiction is real. Today's Question and Answer Live is: What are the signs of being addicted to the cell phone. What is too much screen time. And how to manage screen time with a teenager.

Before I begin, I want to preface a few things. First of all, today's answer will sound negative because the questions today revolve around the negative effects of phones' over-use. That is our content's focus; however, I don't believe that all technology is bad. Technology has some major benefits for our young people when used appropriately. Besides, this is such an important topic because technology is not going away. We have to teach our children how to manage technology in healthy ways to continue teaching their children the same lessons. Screens are here to stay, so let's educate ourselves as parents on how to teach our children to navigate them well.

There has been a decline in adolescent mental health since the influx of cellphone in the newer generations. More teens are depressed, and there has been an increase in suicide attempts. So this issue is real and shouldn't be ignored.

Ironically, despite being able to connect with anyone in the world in seconds, most people report that they are lonelier than they have ever been before. This just shows that our connections with others via Snapchat and text messages are very shallow. Our young people are missing the interpersonal connection with their peers that they need. You can not replace the connection that in-person interactions produce. Even voice-to-voice contact is much better than text messages.

This lack of connection with peers is not necessarily entirely your child's fault. I see two huge problems that prevent children from connecting as they used to 30 years ago.

Parents aren't letting their kids get out anymore.

Gone are the days of letting your child run around the neighborhood and explore. "Come back before dinner and be careful" is not the norm of today's city living. Of course, our intentions to keep our children safe is valid, but that doesn't mean that it isn't affecting our children in other ways.

The second reason is much more prevalent. It is the competition and nature of the social media platform. Each website online is competing for your attention. The goal of YouTube, Pinterest, Google, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,… ALL social media platforms are to keep you on their website as long as possible. To do that, the internet algorithms keep track of what you watch, like, share, save. Then the algorithms provide you more similar content to stay on the channel and engaged. The owner of each website is rewarded when you stay with them and watch their content. Even me! The more you share, push the like button, watch my videos, and save my posts, - the more the algorithms will like me and push out my content to more people who also watch similar videos. Websites will also keep you engaged by using researched, attracting techniques, such as bright colors, non-stop entertainment, and playing video after video with no pause. Some platforms like Snapchat make the engagement a game to keep kids wanting more. Snapchat gives the user reward points for each post or interaction with others.

This non-stop stimulation of the things kids love causes an increase in their dopamine levels in their brain. Dopamine is the chemical our brain makes to tell us that we are happy. When we stop looking at the screen, the dopamine levels drop, making us want more. Kids then find themselves in a cycle of seeking out more and more dopamine to stay happy. This is how the addiction starts.

So, as you can see, screen addiction is not entirely your child's fault. In some respects, they are victims of a system that lures them in.

How do we know when your child has crossed the tipping point from regular phone use to addiction?

Cell phone addiction can have any of the following signs:

Sleep disturbances. Insomnia is common with screens because of the constant stimulation. This is a real problem and needs to be addressed immediately.
Anxiety and irritability due to withdrawal. Is your child craving more dopamine?
Feelings of loneliness.
Feelings of 'needing' likes on their post to feel validated.
Feelings of missing out if they aren't on their phones consistently. This usually manifests itself in needing to be on their phone all the time, including driving, eating, etc.
Loss of interest to do other interactive, engaging activities.

How much is too much screen time?

The experts say that teens should be active at least 15 minutes for every hour of screen time and suggest no more than 2 hours of screen time per day. My own personal suggestion is to turn off screens at least one hour before bedtime also. It takes about that long to desensitize from the screen stimulation and relax so your child can fall asleep.

What can parents do to manage their child's screen time?

Tip 1: Talk to your child about the impact of technology use and screens like I did with you today. Show them this video or other similar videos available. Sometimes kids don't want to hear the facts from you but will be more receptive if they hear the effects of technology from experts.

Tip 2: Teach your child to be intentional with their time on their phone by limiting their screen time with available apps. There are several apps that parents can purchase that monitor electronics. I use Qustodio personally in my own home. Still, there are several similar apps out there that can easily be googled and installed on your child's devices. These apps can limit the times of day your child can access the functionality of their phone, limit the use of particular apps, limit the time duration your child can use their device, block explicit content, block particular apps, and more.

Tip 3: Intentionally create screen-free spaces and times in your child's day for no technology.

Make rules for your home, like no phones at the dinner table. No phones from 5-6pm. No phones when you are having a conversation with someone.
Keep your child busy with scheduled activities that discourage screens like participating in sports, going for a bike ride, different clubs at school, etc.
Go on a digital fast for a day and reward your child for their no-screen efforts.
Encourage your child to talk to their friends on the phone instead of texting their friends.
And lastly, you have to model good technology use yourself. If you don't practice what you preach, then your child will never listen to you. You must also be willing to abide by the rules you are creating in your home.

Technology use and limitation have to start with a conversation with your child. You should reward them for the behaviors you want to see. If your child puts down the phone for even an hour more than they usually do, reward them for those efforts and begin to increase those time little by little until it seems seamless.

You got this, parents. I am just here to help.