Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

026: Anxiety and Depression Help

Anxiety and Depression Help with special guest Anne Hayes talks about a controversial topic: Coffee!   Yep, Anne Hayes talks about the benefits of coffee to help our young people with their anxiety and depression.  Listen and learn about this interesting concept that could help YOUR child.

For more help with anxiety management, check out my behavior management online course!  Discover how YOU can help your child and get started TODAY!   Check out https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety for more information about this course!

PLUS- that’s not all!  Check out the webinar for the steps you need to start seeing change!  Yep, I am giving you the steps you need to help your child with their anxiety for FREE!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar for this priceless content!  So grab a pencil and paper and watch today!

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Transcript: 

Anne Hayes, aka Mama G, is a speaker, an author, an inspirational rapper, and a single mom of two teens.   She is the founder of KickA$$ Happyness, a global movement that seeks to empower teens to experience a more joyful and fulfilling life.  

Kristina: Thank you for coming today, Anne. 

Anne: Glad to be here.   I am at the end of raising two teens. Finally, done with the rough 14-17-year-old period and what I found during the hard times is that I struggled with anxiety and depression.  Both of my kids have struggled, and also many of the teens that I have worked with over the years have struggled with anxiety and depression.   It’s sad because we just want to be happy.   

Kristina: Teen anxiety and depression is such a huge problem right now.  I know you want to talk about the potential benefit of coffee with teens.  This is intriguing.   Tell me more.

Anne: Ok, here is the deal.  I had a different perspective before I was managing the challenges I had with my daughter.  I was the parent that said, “My kids aren’t going to drink coffee.”  I had developed a belief system due to my upbringing, where I thought that teenagers drinking coffee were unhealthy.  That it could become addictive, it could be problematic.  There were adverse side effects.  If I had grown up in Latin America or Europe, I might have thought very differently.  But specifically with my daughter, who suffers from both anxiety and depression- I can tell you right now that coffee because it has caffeine in it, is a natural nootropic.  Nootropic is the big buzz word!  We want mental clarity, we want to be able to focus, we want to be able to concentrate, we want to have energy, we want to enhance our mood, and guest what-  Caffeine does all of that! Especially when you can enjoy the aroma of coffee, the taste, etc. there are a lot of different ways to enjoy coffee!   My daughter used to drink a big Dunkin Donuts large cup a couple times a day with crème and sugar!  Of course, I was concerned, but I also realized that it was getting her through.  It helped uplift her enough because she was struggling so much with the depression.  I also work with a lot of teens that experience a lot of anxiety.  They prefer NOT to drink coffee because they feel it makes them jittery.   To that, I am not saying, “Drink it!” although I do think it has its benefits, maybe try decaffeinated options because the decaffeinated coffee still gives you the benefits of the nootropics.  It has been scientifically proven.  And by the way, my daughter never became addicted.   As she healed and transformed, she began to rely less on coffee and doesn’t feel like she needs it every day.   The bottom line is, coffee has these benefits!  As a parent, if I am drinking coffee every day, and I enjoy the aroma and the experience, how am I going to turn around and tell my teen no!  You understand, as The Impactful Parent, that when we try to control too much, it does not enhance our relationship with our children.  We need to pick and choose our battles.  It is my belief that coffee should not be one of those battles.    

Kristina:   I like how you confronted that some people won’t like this idea.  They believe that the negatives outweigh the benefits. But I will also tell you from my own experience with a child struggling with anxiety and depression, that these parenting moments are scary.  You will do anything to help your child get through the day.  Your last worry is an addiction to coffee when there are so many other addictive agents out there that are much more harmful.   I really appreciate that you bring on this new idea and it is so simple!

Thank you, Anne, for coming on to The Impactful Parent.  For more information about Anne and to contact her, you can reach her at http://annehayes360.com

 

073: Surviving A Narcissistic Mother.

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother with special guest Charity Buhrow.  Charity speaks about her personal experiences living with a narcissistic mom, how she overcame the emotional abuse, and she gives tips for other people who might be dealing with a similar situation.   Learn from Charity in this powerful interview!

Here are the links from today’s episode:  Charity's website is ryzempowerment.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Plus- Do you have a child that struggles with ANXIETY? I CAN HELP! The FREE webinar on my fully online course to help children with big emotions will give you the framework you need to see a change in your child's behaviors! Check it out at https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Surviving a Narcissistic Mother:

Kristina:  Welcome parents to The Impactful Parent's Inspire and Learn Series, where real parents come on and tell their stories of inspiration and learning. Because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. So let's learn today from our guest speaker Charity Buhrow. Charity is going to talk to us today about Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

Charity: Thank you for having me. I'm really excited to be here.

Kristina:  I'm sure there is a journey that has gotten you to this place, and I know it's probably a really long story for you, but I really would like to hear how you grew up.

Charity: As a kid, we lived in a rural area of Wisconsin. Great childhood, when I look back on it. When I was little, we had go-karts and swimming pools. We lived out in the country, and we rode bikes to go hang out with the friends. As I got older, around eight or nine years old, my mom told me, "I'm your mom first. But we have the potential to be best friends. I want you to tell me everything in anything." Ideal, right? But as I got older, things changed slowly. It was confusing. I would share things with her that were super intimate, but then it would get thrown back in my face. It would throw me off. Self-doubt started to set at a very, very young age. And it was so subtle.

There was a time where she bought me a diary. She told me I can keep all my intimate thoughts in that diary and the diary even had a lock on it.  She told me that I don't have to worry about anyone breaking in and reading my personal information.  Then one day,  she started answering my passages of writing. I was like, "Whoa, wait, what?" She would write things back to me like, "You're ungrateful. Maybe if you had not acted like that, I wouldn't have needed to yell." She completely violated my trust on such a deep level.  It was at that moment that distrust started. 

Another example is math. I loved math.  My mom told me, "You're so bad at it. You're stupid." That was confusing to me because I had As in school, and my teachers told me I was doing a great job. Later, as a young adult, I ended up in accounting. I kept asking myself, "Why do I have this job? I'm horrible at math." I didn't realize that was residual from her trauma.  I was actually thriving at that job.  Later, I quit.

[caption id="attachment_2732" align="alignright" width="300"]Surviving a Narcissistic Mother[/caption]

There are more subtle examples. I was really thin growing up. I was a very tall blonde. Many people told me I should model, but my mom didn't want me to be seen as the center of attention.   She told me that because I was blonde, no one would take me seriously. In reality, I am smart!  All of this was so hurtful coming from my mom.

Everything was always about her. She would buy my clothes and dress me but tell me not to tell my dad.  She encouraged me to lie to my dad!  That was a struggle!   He was the primary moneymaker, and I liked my dad.  It was hard to lie. 

On the outside, we looked like an ideal family.  My friends never believed me. They never saw the bad stuff. My hair and makeup always had to be done.   I would tell her, "Mom, I have this opportunity." She would respond, "No, you can't do it. I don't want them looking at you. I don't want them to judge me based on you." She was also paranoid about others.  She told me not to ever talk about money outside of the house.  Mom said, "They're trying to take our money." I was confused.

My grandparents lived five doors down from us. I really wanted to have a relationship with them because they were so close.  I would ask to go visit them, and she would tell me, "No, no, no, no, no! They're spying on us. They break into our house. You can't talk to them. They hate me." You see, it was always about her.

She got a part-time job one time at one of the local taverns. People loved her great personality. But she came home one day, and all her friends turned on her. They finally saw through her lies and deception. Then it really started to spiral downhill pretty quick. She started videotaping the neighbors. She would watch the videos and be like, "Look what they're doing. I can't believe they're doing that." She also stopped taking me to dance class and blamed it on my dad.  I love dance class. He wanted us to be active, but she wouldn't admit that she didn't like taking the time out of her day to drive me back and forth from dance.

Eventually, I realized that my self-esteem had plummeted. By the time I was 19 years old, I was terrified of judgment and thought everyone was out to get me. I didn't think I'd ever make anything of myself. I didn't even go to college because she told me she would only help me pay for school if I went to her school of choice and studied what she wanted me to study. She also told me I was never going to make it.  One day, she even spent all the money in my saving that I had saved from work.   I was desperate, so I moved out as soon as I could. 

Kristina: I get this feeling that you felt like a puppet.

[caption id="attachment_2736" align="alignright" width="300"]Surviving a Narcissistic Mother[/caption]

Charity: Yes.

Kristina: If someone hearing your story right now thinks they might be victims of a narcissistic parent, but they still aren't quite sure, how would you tell them it feels?  What other adjectives could you give to how that felt?

Charity: Confusion is a big thing. It is an emotional roller coaster. One minute you feel love; the next, you are full of shame. You feel responsible for their suffering and their pain. It's very disheartening. You beat yourself up for it.

Kristina: What are some red flags?

Charity: They were everywhere!  Now I see them, but then it was mainly a deep unsettled feeling. The confusion is big.  I would tell someone that it is a sign when their parent gives you this bad feeling repetitively. You're always being blamed, and they are never at fault. You're going to start feeling crazy. Like you are the problem.

Kristina: I can see that one of the hardest things about this as a child would be, wanting to get help from somebody, but knowing that whoever you talk to,  they're not going to believe you. Your mom is just too likable!

Charity:  Yes. Oh, that is a big one. That's a huge one. I ran into that roadblock. I would go to someone, and I would explain what was going on. They would tell me I was being hypersensitive. Five years later, many came back and apologized. I would tell others that you need to keep going until you find someone willing to listen. After a while, you burnt out if no one hears you. I thought, "I don't want to go home. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to have to explain this to another person yet again, just to be shot down." You start to doubt yourself a lot, and you start to feel like you're crazy.

Kristina:  What was your 'A-ha' moment that made you realize you needed help?

Charity: My first marriage. When I graduated, I moved out three days after graduation, I could not get out of that house fast enough.

My mom kept trying to come over to my new home.  She criticized everything. The dishes weren't done, the decorating wasn't good enough, it wasn't clean enough… That was MY space! I didn't need her opinions.  I told her to go home several times.  Then I stopped going over to her house too. I started to notice that I felt better the more I pulled away.

Then I met a guy.  We decided we wanted to have kids, but something just didn't sit right. I got pregnant anyway, and we got married because I panicked.  I didn't want my kids to grow up being ridiculed like I was for having parents with different last names.  Then I had my daughter.  I was holding her in my arms, and I  looked over him and thought, "What did I do?" That was my aha moment!  That's when I realized I had married a person just like my mom.  Oh, crap!  I realized I had a couple choices. I can let this make me really bitter and really unhappy and stay stuck, OR I can use this as a stepping stone to get better.

Kristina: What are those first steps to recovery?  

Charity: Recognize that you are not at fault.  The second step is to find a doctor.

I found a primary care physician. She was fantastic. It took me nine tries to find her, but when I found her, I knew that she would listen to me. She was absolutely amazing. I had thrown off my back, had two young children. My fibroid was all over the board. I was a hot mess. I was replaying my childhood with my new husband and blown away by how similar it was. He kept telling me I was crazy and needed drugs. I walked into the doctor's office crying.  Fortunately, the doctor saw past my physical pain to my emotional pain and encouraged me to see a counselor. 

Find someone you trust and find someone you're comfortable with to support you and help you dissect your pain.  It doesn't have to be a counselor. It can also be a coach. Find someone and get help.

Kristina: You have so much to offer with your experiences to help empower others.

Charity:  It took a few years, but I finally came to peace with my mom.  I realize now that my mom didn't know what she was doing. She didn't set out to purposely harm me. Her behaviors were stemmed from how she was raised. I don't hold ill will.  My experiences have taught me how to be a good mom. I can't help but feel grateful for what I have been through.  It made me who I am today. 

Kristina: It feels like you have healed, and it is great to hear you don't have resentment toward your mother.  If people resonate with your story today and want to reach out and learn more from you, how would they do that?

Charity: The best way to get a hold of me would be my website is www.rzempowerment.com

Kristina:  Thank you, Charity! It was a pleasure to have you on the show. 

 And until next time, you got this parents. We're just here to help!

048: How To Help Angry Kids

How To Help Angry Kids

How To Help Angry Kids. Tips for teaching your child self-control and have less impulsivity. Getting to the root of the issue and helping.

For more help with anger management, check out my behavior management online course!  Discover how YOU can help your child and get started TODAY!   Check out https://theimpactfulparent.com/angry for more information about this course!

PLUS- that’s not all!  Check out the webinar for the steps you need to start seeing change!  Yep, I am giving you the steps you need to help your child with their anger for FREE!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/webinar for this priceless content!  So grab a pencil and paper and watch today!

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: My Child's anger is getting worse and worse.  How do I help them?

**How To Help Angry Kids episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, Linked In, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

074: Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How To Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen

FREE PDF mentioned in the podcast: https://theimpactfulparent.com/problem-solving

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen:

Power struggles as your child get older are developmentally appropriate.  When your child is young, they rely on you 100%, and as they age, their self-power increases little by little, but when kids are young, they take our opinions and words as gold.  Little children just accept the things we say as truth.  As kids get older and become more independent thinkers, that's when the questioning comes into play, and the power struggles begin.

The most popular reason at the heart of the power struggle that I have seen is the parents not wanting to control.  When parents are in control, it feels safe and secure to us.  Losing control is scary, and we all know that kids make bad choices, so we don't like to trust our children.  This lack of trust to let our children make their own choices and decisions come from fear for the parent.  We don't want to see our kids hurt by bad choices.  Many parents don't want to lose control of their child's influence because they see it as more opportunities for their child to get hurt.  The power struggle actually comes from a place of love in this circumstance.

As your child grows older and this exchange of power shifts, parents lose total control, and what remains is only influence.  Yep, I said it.  Parents, you can not force your child to do anything they don't want to do.  You lose control.  You may try to make their life so miserable that your choice is the only desirable choice your adolescent has- but in the end, it is still your child's choice. So, since parents are only left with influence as their best source of power, today, I will give you some tips for avoiding the power struggle and have the greatest influence on your child.

Tip #1 for avoiding the power struggle is making strong bonds with your child from the ages of 8-12.  These are the tween years, and they are the most critical years, in my opinion, to form your relationship with your child.  Parents who make a secure bond with their child have much more success influencing their teenager later because the foundation to trust you is already built.

Tip #2 for avoiding the power struggle is to help your child understand and accept their power.  This might sound counterintuitive, but you want your child to feel like they have choices in life, and your there to help them learn to make the right choices.  You want to make sure your child understands that you are not there to dictate their lives but rather support them through life.   This sentiment allows teens to let down their guard and gives the teenager space to open up to you.  This also means that as a parent, you have to shift your focus from talking to listening.  This brings me to tip #3

Tip #3 for avoiding the power struggle means thinking of your parental role more as a coach than an authoritarian.  Good coaches stand on the sidelines and give guidance on how their player can improve their game.  When a player is in a match and makes a mistake, the coach doesn't walk onto the court or the field, take the ball and start playing for the player.  No.  When parents are approached by their adolescent with the question, "What should I do, Mom?" the parent gives the child answers.  Giving your child answers doesn't teach them to problem-solve or think for themselves.

Tip #4 for avoiding power struggles is teaching your child how to be analytical and problem-solvers.  To do this, parents need to learn how to ask the right questions, they need to learn how to be active listeners, and they need to learn how to be patient with this process.  It sounds easy when I say it, but let's get real… being an active listener and helping your child learn to problem solve is exhausting.  It takes time and effort, and many parents don't have the energy to do it at the end of a long workday.  This can be one of their biggest mistakes.

So how do parents teach their kids to be analytical problem-solvers?  The answer is helping your child come to their OWN conclusions and choices by walking with them step-by-step through decision making.  If you don't allow your child to make their own choices and only give them directives, they will never internalize their choice.  It is so easy for humans to say, "I just did it because they told me to," and not learn from their mistakes or take responsibility for their actions. Your adolescent needs to learn how to make good choices, which will never happen if you make all the choices for them.  When parents call too many of the shots- that is when the power struggle rears its ugly head. But you can influence your child into making better choices by leading them into problem-solving with your help and guidance.  This then becomes a win-win situation.

I have a FREE PDF to help you through the process of teaching problem-solving with your child.  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/problem-solving to get this FREE PDF TODAY.

071: Lesson From A Mom of 10 Kids!

This is a can't miss interview!  Laura Hernandez, mom of 10 kids, tells the Impactful Parent community lessons from being a mom of 10!  Laura highlights some special topics such as foster-to-adopt, how to stay organized, what's it is like to have children with special needs, and so much more!

Here are some questions that I ask Laura during our meeting:

• Do you have any tips for the foster-to-adopt process?
• What are your children's special needs, and how do you help them?
• What were your special needs expectations?
• Are you afraid the biological parents will come back?
• What is the best part of the foster-to-adopt experiences?
• How do you create quality time with 10 kids?
• Do you ever go out to eat?
• How do you drive 10 kids around?
• What are your tips for creating systems?
• How do you make yourself a priority?

If you are considering adoption or foster-to-adopt in your city, this is a great video resource!  Listen as this real mom of foster kids talks candidly about her struggles and triumphs of being a foster mom.

Laura is full of great information, and anyone can learn from this experienced mom!  Read, Listen, or watch the video!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

072: Phone Addiction

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How can I tell if my teen has a phone addiction? What can I do to minimize phone use?

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Phone Addiction In Adolescents:

Signs of a teenager being addicted to their cell phone.  What is too much screen time? How to manage it?

Screen addiction is real. Today's Question and Answer Live is:  What are the signs of being addicted to the cell phone.  What is too much screen time. And how to manage screen time with a teenager.

Before I begin, I want to preface a few things. First of all, today's answer will sound negative because the questions today revolve around the negative effects of phones' over-use.  That is our content's focus; however, I don't believe that all technology is bad.  Technology has some major benefits for our young people when used appropriately.  Besides, this is such an important topic because technology is not going away.   We have to teach our children how to manage technology in healthy ways to continue teaching their children the same lessons.  Screens are here to stay, so let's educate ourselves as parents on how to teach our children to navigate them well.

There has been a decline in adolescent mental health since the influx of cellphone in the newer generations.  More teens are depressed, and there has been an increase in suicide attempts.  So this issue is real and shouldn't be ignored.

Ironically, despite being able to connect with anyone in the world in seconds, most people report that they are lonelier than they have ever been before.  This just shows that our connections with others via Snapchat and text messages are very shallow.  Our young people are missing the interpersonal connection with their peers that they need.  You can not replace the connection that in-person interactions produce.  Even voice-to-voice contact is much better than text messages.

This lack of connection with peers is not necessarily entirely your child's fault.  I see two huge problems that prevent children from connecting as they used to 30 years ago.

1. Parents aren't letting their kids get out anymore.

Gone are the days of letting your child run around the neighborhood and explore. "Come back before dinner and be careful" is not the norm of today's city living.  Of course, our intentions to keep our children safe is valid, but that doesn't mean that it isn't affecting our children in other ways.

2. The second reason is much more prevalent. It is the competition and nature of the social media platform.   Each website online is competing for your attention.  The goal of YouTube, Pinterest, Google, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,… ALL social media platforms are to keep you on their website as long as possible.  To do that, the internet algorithms keep track of what you watch, like, share, save. Then the algorithms provide you more similar content to stay on the channel and engaged.  The owner of each website is rewarded when you stay with them and watch their content.  Even me!  The more you share, push the like button, watch my videos, and save my posts, - the more the algorithms will like me and push out my content to more people who also watch similar videos.  Websites will also keep you engaged by using researched, attracting techniques, such as bright colors, non-stop entertainment, and playing video after video with no pause. Some platforms like Snapchat make the engagement a game to keep kids wanting more.  Snapchat gives the user reward points for each post or interaction with others.

This non-stop stimulation of the things kids love causes an increase in their dopamine levels in their brain.  Dopamine is the chemical our brain makes to tell us that we are happy.  When we stop looking at the screen, the dopamine levels drop, making us want more.  Kids then find themselves in a cycle of seeking out more and more dopamine to stay happy.  This is how the addiction starts.

So, as you can see, screen addiction is not entirely your child's fault.  In some respects, they are victims of a system that lures them in.

How do we know when your child has crossed the tipping point from regular phone use to addiction?

Cell phone addiction can have any of the following signs:

• Sleep disturbances. Insomnia is common with screens because of the constant stimulation.  This is a real problem and needs to be addressed immediately.
• Anxiety and irritability due to withdrawal. Is your child craving more dopamine?
• Feelings of loneliness.
• Feelings of 'needing' likes on their post to feel validated.
• Feelings of missing out if they aren't on their phones consistently. This usually manifests itself in needing to be on their phone all the time, including driving, eating, etc.
• Loss of interest to do other interactive, engaging activities.

How much is too much screen time?

The experts say that teens should be active at least 15 minutes for every hour of screen time and suggest no more than 2 hours of screen time per day.  My own personal suggestion is to turn off screens at least one hour before bedtime also.  It takes about that long to desensitize from the screen stimulation and relax so your child can fall asleep.

What can parents do to manage their child's screen time?

Tip 1:  Talk to your child about the impact of technology use and screens like I did with you today.  Show them this video or other similar videos available.  Sometimes kids don't want to hear the facts from you but will be more receptive if they hear the effects of technology from experts.

Tip 2: Teach your child to be intentional with their time on their phone by limiting their screen time with available apps.  There are several apps that parents can purchase that monitor electronics.  I use Qustodio personally in my own home. Still, there are several similar apps out there that can easily be googled and installed on your child's devices.  These apps can limit the times of day your child can access the functionality of their phone, limit the use of particular apps, limit the time duration your child can use their device, block explicit content, block particular apps, and more.

Tip 3: Intentionally create screen-free spaces and times in your child's day for no technology.

• Make rules for your home, like no phones at the dinner table. No phones from 5-6pm.  No phones when you are having a conversation with someone.
• Keep your child busy with scheduled activities that discourage screens like participating in sports, going for a bike ride, different clubs at school, etc.
• Go on a digital fast for a day and reward your child for their no-screen efforts.
• Encourage your child to talk to their friends on the phone instead of texting their friends.
• And lastly, you have to model good technology use yourself. If you don't practice what you preach, then your child will never listen to you.  You must also be willing to abide by the rules you are creating in your home.

Technology use and limitation have to start with a conversation with your child. You should reward them for the behaviors you want to see.  If your child puts down the phone for even an hour more than they usually do, reward them for those efforts and begin to increase those time little by little until it seems seamless.

You got this, parents. I am just here to help.

024: How To Help An Anxious Child

How To Help An Anxious Child.  3 Tips for helping kids with anxiety.

Important Links from the podcast:

Behavior Management FREE Webinar that teaches the steps you need to help your child and see change.  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Behavior Management Course Description: https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Transcript:

"Mom, I am going to fail!  I can't do this!"  "Mom, this needs to be perfect, or it isn't right."  "Mom, I don't want to do that right now.  I'm not feeling good."   Do you hear these phrases in your house too?  Stop what you are doing and let me grab your attention because these phrases are warning signs!  These phrases can be the onset of ANXIETY.  

Anxiety is not a phase!  Helping your child early can make a huge difference later when they become young adults.

Anxiety is NOT just feeling nervous or worrying.  Anxiety is NOT just nail-biting or tapping your pencil on the desk.  Anxiety comes in many forms!  It is trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, avoiding, loss of appetite, increased irritability, restlessness, overeating, feelings of guilt, and shame. Anxiety can be perfectionism or procrastination.  The list goes on.   Anxiety is so much more than many realize because everyone shows anxiety a little differently.

In its basic form, anxiety is when your child starts to worry consistently, and the worrying becomes a habit.  Once a behavior becomes a habit, we begin to lose control of what we are doing.  Our body goes into auto-mode instead.  With anxiety, our mind tells our body that there is danger near, and anxiety kicks in to protect ourselves.   Worry sets in and makes our body want to flee and escape the situation or avoid the threat.  The problem is that many times there is no danger and really your mind is talking untruthfully to you. 

So how can we help our kids avoid getting into the anxiety trap?  We need to help them change their mindset and how they think.  This is not easy.  If their minds are trying to protect them from danger, then we must reprogram their brains not to overreact to false threats.  Teaching kids to control their thoughts will result in them also learning to control their actions!  I offer a course that will help you and your child walk through what is needed to really get results. However, if you follow me consistently, you also know- I will not leave you hanging with no answers today!  Here are some things you can do right now to help your child start retaking control of their body!

#1 Teach them to count backward when they start to feel those butterflies in their stomach.  The idea here is to activate the prefrontal cortex (or the logical side) of the brain.  This is done by stopping the emotional thought that causes the onset of anxiety and doing something like counting backward.   There are several other techniques you can use but counting back 5-4-3-2-1 is one of the easiest methods.   Then, once the counting is done, tell your child to finish this sentence: "I am excited to _____________," and think of a happy thought.  The objective is to train your child to stop the negative thoughts that make them anxious and refocus.  The negative thoughts will not go away, but the goal is not to let worry take over entirely and stabilize the body's reaction to worry by providing the brain with alternative positive thoughts.

#2 Don't minimize their feelings by saying things such as, "Everything is fine.  Just calm down" or "You're overreacting."  Instead, start asking questions!  Keep asking questions that will force your child to evaluate their thinking and debunk their irrational thoughts.  For example, you can ask.

What evidence do you have that something terrible is going to happen?

What is the probability of the unfortunate happening?

What can you do to ensure that nothing bad will happen?

Keep asking questions while you go for a little walk, to activate their logical thinking again. 

#3 Praise your child wildly for their achievements, for being brave, and for staying in control of their emotions.   Point out their successes! To gain confidence and replace their unwanted habit of worry with confidence, your child will have to repeatedly control their thoughts.  Practice and repetition are how they will build their new habit.

I wish that eliminating anxiety was as easy as 3 simple steps, but it is not.  For more comprehensive support and help, check out The Behavior Management Course: Helping Children Control Big Emotions.   I offer a FREE webinar that talks about the course and gives you the step by step framework you need to start seeing change!  Plus- just for taking the time to watch the video, I also include a FREE PDF called 20 Ways to Cope.   These 20+ coping techniques are researched and tested to work for helping kids with anxiety.   This is my gift to you so you can start helping your kids right away, even if you find the course is not for you. 

Help your child overcome their anxiety today!

070: Why Are Children Stubborn?

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: Why Are Children Stubborn?

Anxiety Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Anger Management Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar

**Why are children stubborn episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Live can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

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Transcript For Why Are Children Stubborn:

Today we’re going to talk about Why are children stubborn?  There could be several reasons, but I will give you a few reasons today, and let’s see if they resonate with you.

Have you ever had your child scream something like, “I know they’re talking about me right now?” Or “They hate me.” Or, “I just always screw up, or I never get things right.” Well, if this sounds familiar, then this video is for you. Children get stuck in what is called Thinking Traps. What are Thinking Traps? They’re when our emotions get the best of us, and we start to interpret our situation unrealistically, unhelpful, and it triggers anxiety, stress, sadness, and even anger. It’s like our brain is stuck, and we become a broken record inside of our heads. These negative thoughts often get repeated over and over and over again. And anytime that you say something to yourself over and over, after a while, you begin to believe it. That is why these Thinking Traps are dangerous and why we need to help our children. We don’t want our children to think negatively about themselves consistently.

Let me give you another example. This is a personal example from my own home. My daughter was crying one day, and she wouldn’t stop. She sobbed in her pillow and held her blanket tightly. I walked into her room, and I said, “what’s going on? What happened.” She responded with, “Well, my whole assignment is ruined. I’m going to fail for sure. I might as well just give up.”

I didn’t know what to do at the time. I sat there, and I listened. I tried to empathize, and I told my daughter that she doesn’t really seem to be thinking rationally. I told her, “I don’t think you’re going to fail. Please don’t give up. You can do this.” I was offering encouragement. But of course, she wouldn’t hear it, and she rejected everything I had to say. I offered advice too but, it didn’t help. I couldn't figure out why my child was being so stubborn!

When kids get stuck in Thinking Traps, they seem so stubborn. Their thinking is irrational. Their thoughts are being distorted, and psychologists call these Cognitive Distortions. Their perception of reality is skewed. You hear children say things like, “He thinks I’m stupid,” or “My life is over.”

My heart goes out to parents because I know this is really difficult to combat and handle. After all, it’s very frustrating. Step one for helping your child is learning what Thinking Traps are so you can spot them when they happen. I’m going to explain to you in this video several of the most popular kinds of Thinking Traps. Then I’m going to end with four suggestions on how to combat those Thinking Traps, and lastly, I’m going to give you a bonus at the end. So, stay with me because we got a lot of great things happening today.

Thinking Traps:

Fortune Telling.   This is when we predict the future will turn out badly. Your child might say things like, “I couldn’t get an A last semester, so I know I won’t get an A this semester either.  OR “No one is going to come to my party.  I just know it.”  BUT we don’t really know how things will turn out.

Black and White Thinking.  This is when we only see the situation in terms of extremes.  Good or bad.  Success or failure.  In your child, it might look like this: …. If they had a test and fail- now they are saying things like, “I am stupid.” “I don’t know anything.” Or if a close friend gets angry with them, now they are saying things like, “I am completely friend-less.  No one will ever be my friend anymore. I am completely unlovable.”   You see, there is not in between thinking- These kids use the words ALWAYS or NEVER a lot.  Everything is super good or super bad when most life situations fall somewhere in the middle.  If you get one traffic ticket- it doesn’t mean you are the worst driver in the world.  It just means you must slow down and reassess your driving tendencies.

Catastrophizing.  This is when we imagine the worst possible outcome is going to happen.  If your child fails that one exam, they may say things like, “Now I am never going to get into college!”  Or “my parents are arguing so they must be getting a divorce!”  This Thinking trap can also come out as Over-Estimating Danger.  This brings on a lot of anxiety, and you may hear kids say things like, “I’m am just going to die!” or “It will give me a heart attack.”  Everything is a disaster in their mind, but the imagined worst-case scenario usually never happens.

Mind-Reading.  This trap occurs when we believe that we know what others are thinking.  “I know they hate me because I see the looks they give me.” “I know my teacher thinks I am stupid.” This Thinking Trap has children jumping to conclusions.  However, we don’t really know what others think at all.

Ignoring the Positive Thinking Trap.  This happens when we only pay attention to the bad things and overlooking the whole picture- which usually has some good too.   We can’t come to a balanced conclusion at all and often, this Thinking Trap manifests itself in belittling our successes.  You hear kids saying things like, “That doesn’t count.” “I only got lucky” or solely just focusing on the one bad part of their day instead of the 20 things that went well.

Everyone Is Against Me.  These kids feel the world is against them and are often aggressive when they have a disagreement with others or get in trouble at school.   They go into a fight or flight mode. These children are often misunderstood because they are “fighters” and are simply trying to protect themselves from harm.  The threat may not be real, but it is real to them.

Thinking Traps can bring a lot of anxiety and anger management issues into your household. The problems can mount and if Thinking Traps are not addressed- matters can worsen.  If anything I said today resonated with you, I’d like for you to check out a couple of other free videos that I have for you.

The free videos are webinars. They’re going to go in more depth about what’s going to help take those behaviors and change them in your child. It’s an eight-step process. I have one webinar if your child’s Thinking Traps manifest in anxiety. I have a different webinar for Thinking Traps that manifest in aggressive behaviors. If you can get two or three different new tips to help your child that you didn’t know before, which I know you will, then it’s worth your time to watch!

Anxiety Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Anger Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar

Now let’s get to four quick tips about how you can combat some of these Thinking Traps!

1. Help your child get grounded. This means, help them think of something different.  Move their attention away from the problem for a little while.  Concentrate on breathing, their heart beating, or simply get them to talk about something else for a while until they calm down, so you can revisit the problem more rationally.
2. Teach you about Thinking Traps. Make them aware of what they are and how they can be a problem.  Then, help them recognize when they may be in a Thinking Trap situation.
3. How to give your child a reality check. Ask the child questions to make them realize that they could be irrational.  Challenge the Thinking Traps with strategic questions.
4. Roleplay different solutions. Allow them to see other possible outcomes visually.

And this is just the beginning!  Find out more about the 8 steps it will take for you to help your child change their behaviors so that you can stop worrying all the time and bring normalcy back into your household.

069: Substance Abuse: Learn Before You Need It

Richard Capriola's Book:  https://www.helptheaddictedchild.com

How To Find Drug Evidence In Your Home program by The Impactful Parent: https://theimpactfulparent.com/drugs

Do you have a child that struggles with ANXIETY? I CAN HELP! The FREE webinar on my fully online course to help children with big emotions will give you the framework you need to see a change in your child's behaviors! Check it out at https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

“I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!”  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!

Substance Abuse Transcript:

Substance Abuse with Richard Capriola

Kristina: Welcome impactful parents. Today we're gonna talk about substance abuse in our young adult children, our teenagers, and our even our tweens. The impactful speaker we have today is Richard Capriola. Richard is a mental health and addictions counselor and has been for over two decades. He has treated both adults and adolescents. He is the author of The Addicted Child; it's a parent's guide to adolescent substance abuse. I'm so excited to have Richard on today. Thank you so much for being here.

Richard: Thank you, Kristina. It's a pleasure to be here to talk a little bit about this very important issue that parents are sometimes confronted with.

Kristina: Yes, and here on The Impactful Parent, I'm always trying to give parents resources for helping their children. I'm really trying to get parents to catch things early.  April and March tend to be tough months for kiddos.  I don't know what it is, but I can tell you, with my 20 years of experience in the classroom, something crazy happens in April and March to our adolescents.  Substance abuse rises within these months.  Richard, what substances are the most popular with our adolescents?

Richard:  They're still using alcohol and marijuana. Those are the primary drugs that kids are attracted to. Some use other drugs like, over the counter medications and some prescription medications like Adderall and Ritalin, but primarily alcohol and drugs. But the big change that we've seen in the last three years is a surge in vaping. These kids are now turning to vaping things like nicotine and marijuana. And that is increasing at dramatic rates, and parents need to be aware of that. For example, three years ago, only 9% of seniors were vaping marijuana. Today, it's 22%, almost one in five. So, parents need to be aware that this vaping issue is really starting to surge among teenagers.

Kristina: Yes, I've seen that too for my experiences, and it's really sad. Do you think that parents could tell what is inside a vape pen just by looking at it? For example, could they tell the difference between nicotine or marijuana?

Richard:  Not just by looking at it. It's going to look like a pen, or even some of them are very similar to what a USB drive would look like on a computer. Many times, parents don't even suspect what they're looking at. It might be an instrument where a child uses it to inhale, say, marijuana or nicotine. It's very difficult for the average parent to know just by sight what the substance is.

Kristina: Is there a smell difference between the two?

Richard: Well, the nicotine you can smell. You know nicotine has an odor to it. With these vape pens, it is unlike smoking cigarettes. Vape pens give pure nicotine.  Often at a much higher concentration. Marijuana is also put into vape pens but smell differently.

Kristina: Is there a difference between the odor of marijuana from a vape pen and an odor of marijuana when they're smoking the flower? (the plant itself) I think, as a parent, when I envision the smell of marijuana, I envision the flower burning.  That smell is more potent and different than smoking marijuana from a vape pen.

Richard:  Well, most parents are not going to know the difference. What they're going to catch on is, "something smells a little different." They're not going to be able to notice the difference between this variation and that variation. What they're first going to pick up on is - they walk into their child's room, and it just doesn't smell right. There's something out of the ordinary here. That's what most parents are going to pick up on.

Kristina: I love that. Great tip.  Trust your gut instincts, parents. Sometimes we ignore that gut feeling when we walk into our child's room because you don't want to be the blamer, and you don't want to accuse.  But trust that gut instinct in this case. Richard, is there a difference between adult addiction and adolescent addiction?

Richard: There are two differences. One is in brain development. The adolescent brain is just not fully developed and substance abuse can harm the brain. In contrast, the adult brain is developed, so using substances as an adolescent with a developing maturing brain carries much more risk. The risk of becoming dependent on the substance is much higher. So, the first difference is brain development. The second difference is in consequences. Many adults who are addicted to a substance have faced catastrophic consequences. They might have lost a job. They might have lost a marriage.  They might have been incarcerated.  Adolescents, on the other hand, haven't faced anywhere near those types of catastrophic consequences. Their big consequences are parents coming down on them or maybe putting some restrictions on them.

Kristina: Is there a difference between how girls and boys have substance abuse?

Richard:  There are some differences. Boys tend to binge drink, for example. Not the girls won't drink, but boys are more likely to binge drink. Boys are at higher risk of using over-the-counter drugs than girls. And boys are more likely to become dependent on multiple substances, where girls might tend to just stick to one or the other. The other difference is that we often find a conduct disorder for boys when we dig underneath the surface. There's a behavioral disorder or maybe a learning disorder for boys. For girls, when we search below the surface many times, we will find depression and things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So there can be different things that propel a boy to use a drug versus a girl to use a drug.

Kristina: I find that really interesting.  Whether they're adolescents or adults, it feels like people use substances for either one of two things. They're either trying to run away from their life and hide and suppress something, or the person feels like they need more energy. "I have to do more," mentality. Do you see the differences between boys and girls in those respects, or is it pretty much the same for both boys and girls?

Richard:  I think it's pretty much the same across the board with substance abuse. I worked in a psychiatric hospital. Most kids that I saw had some rather severe underlying issues. And you know, not every child who gets involved in a substance has an underlying issue. Some of them just like getting high. Sometimes it is because their friends are doing it and they want to join in. But for a lot of kids, there's an underlying issue that needs to be assessed.  For example, many of the kids I worked with were smoking marijuana multiple times a day. When I asked them to help me understand why they were smoking so much marijuana, the number one answer that came back was- it helps me with my anxiety. Suppose we just look at the alcohol use or just look at the drug use and don't go beyond that. In that case, we might be missing some important underlying issues driving that child to medicate themselves with a substance.

Kristina: I feel like not everybody, but a grand majority of people with substance abuse issues, use the substance for a coping mechanism of some sort. This means there's something else happening that really needs to be addressed to truly solve the problem.

Richard: Yes, absolutely, that's very true.

Kristina:  Well, let's get into some warning signs that parents should know about to catch these things early.

Richard:  And that's important because, you know, many parents that I've worked with, they often ask, Well, how did I miss these warning signs? Am I a bad parent? What went wrong? Why didn't I see the substance abuse signs? Well, they didn't see them because they didn't know about them. And in my book, I have many warning signs and listed for Alcohol, Marijuana, eating disorders, and self-harm. I put those warning signs in the book so that parents would be more knowledgeable about them. But as a general rule, what I suggest to parents is, pay attention to any changes you see in your child. These might be changes in behavior. There might be changes in academic performance. There might be changes in appearance or changes in sleeping habits. Pay attention to changes and don't assume that these are average normal teenage developmental changes. They may very well be in many cases. Still, they also may be an indication that something's going on underneath the surface. So pay attention to those changes and follow up on them.

Kristina:  If I were a parent and I am listening to this, and I feel like this sounds like my kid, what do I do?  What's going to be my first steps?

Richard: Your first step is to have a discussion with your child and see how that goes. It might go well; it may blow up and not go so well but at least start that first discussion and see how it goes. And then, if you still have concerns, get an assessment done. There's an entire chapter in my book about the kinds of assessments you should have done because you need more than just an addiction assessment. You need some other assessments done, too, because you want a complete picture of what's going on with your child: psychologically, physically, emotionally, you want a full picture. You can rely on school counselors, family physicians, and teachers to bring you the referrals you need to get those assessments.

Kristina:  I want to speak a little bit more about that because I'm sure that parents didn't even know that there are assessments that can be done! Tell me more.

Richard:  You need an addictions assessment first. You want to know what substances your child has been using, how often, and for how long.  If applicable, a substance use disorder might be diagnosed as either mild, moderate, or severe.

Kristina: Where am I going to go find that help?

Richard:  You're probably gonna get that from an addictions counselor like me. Or you might get it from a psychologist that can also perform that type of assessment. Some social workers can do that also. But, I would start with an addictions counselor trained in the area and who does assessments.

Kristina:  Are those people something I can Google?

Richard: Yes, that is something you can Google. It is also something you can get referrals from your school counselor. They also can refer you to an addictions counselor that can go more into depth. Another good source would be your family physician. They can do a rapid screen. Doctors can give you resources for psychologists and addiction counselors in the community. So there are a lot of places you can go to get referrals for these assessments.

Kristina: What was the other assessment that you mentioned?

Richard: I think you need a good psychological assessment. That would be from a psychologist or a neuropsychologist. That's where you're looking at the underlying issues; if there are any, that might be there.  The doctors are going to look at various aspects of your child's personality and different emotional problems. The third one would be a good comprehensive medical exam because you want to rule out any medical reasons that might contribute to anything that's going on.

Kristina:  If I have a child that's on, let's say, Adderall or some kind of Ritalin substance, and I suspect that they're giving it away to friends (which I know happens in our schools), or they're abusing the substance themselves- what do I do?  Do you have any suggestions for something like that?

Richard: Kristina, that is such an important issue because you noted two very important issues. The child may be abusing the substance themselves, their own prescription, or they may be selling part of it, or you may have a child that's buying it from friends. Prescription medications like Ritalin and Adderall are being abused by high school students. My advice to parents is that you need to secure those in your home if you have any prescriptions. You also need to secure any liquor in your house because teenagers are very clever at flying under the radar. In many cases, if you're not monitoring it almost daily, you may never know that some of those pills have been missing.

Kristina: And when you say secure, I want to clarify this to the audience. I know I have locked boxes in my own home that I use to secure other things. I could use my lockbox for knives to protect somebody who could be the potential to self-harm. I could put my alcohol in those lockboxes too. I could put in my prescription meds and put my regular over-the-counter NyQuil and things like that in those lockboxes.

Richard: A lockbox is a great idea. They come in different sizes and are easily bought on Amazon. Any type of cabinet that has a lock on it would work too.

Kristina: How can parents protect their children from abusing substances? Is there anything that we can do on the front end to prevent this from happening?

Richard: Well, no child is completely protected. All children are vulnerable to alcohol or drug abuse. However, there are protective environments and things that parents can do to reduce the risk.  One of the most useful things that parents can do is develop that foundation of good communication and trust. And, you know, we're pretty good at listening to people's words when they talk to us, even our kids. We hear their words, but we often don't hear the feelings behind those words. As parents, we can develop skills that will help us practice good listening skills. I talked a little bit about this in my parent workbook, but you can learn skills when your child is talking to you. You hear their words, but more importantly, you hear the feelings behind those words. And when that child begins to believe that, you're starting to understand how they feel that can be very powerful. If your child has questions about drugs, or they're tempted, or they're under some type of peer influence or pressure, you want them to feel comfortable coming to you.  They have learned you're not going to judge them. You're going to listen to them, and you're going to become an advisor for them.

Kristina:  I love this suggestion, and it's so important, parents!  Parenting is a long game. The trust that you need to build with your child is not going to happen overnight. It is something that takes weeks or even years. Part of gaining that trust is not overreacting. When your child does something wrong and or confides in you, try not to blame and leave judgment out.  These are times when your child is coming to you to tell you something in confidence. It is a time to celebrate, even if it's something you don't want to hear. Don't reprimand your child. Don't say things like, "That's so stupid. What a bad choice." Your child is trying to tell you something very personal, and they're reaching out for help. I'm sure you're going to feel disappointed and angry and even scared, depending on the situation and what your child is saying. If your child comes to you and says, "Mom, I think I'm vaping too much, or I might be addicted to a substance," you must step back and not overreact.  You can overreact in private, but not in front of your child.  You want to gain trust so that your child will continue to feel like they can speak with you.

Richard: And it's never too late to begin that process of gaining trust. Your child might be a teen, but you can still begin the process of developing good communication and that trust. It will pay dividends, not only while your child is still in your household, it may pay dividends down the road as they go off to college and on with their own life too. So it really is an investment that's worth the time and the practice.

Kristina: As we close, I'd like to know anything else you would like to add to the audience. Suggestions or tips for that parent who is scared?

Richard: I know it is scary.  I've met with many parents, and I've seen their reactions when they find out that their child has been using a substance. They're scared, they're angry, they're nervous, and they're frightened. That's why I wrote this book, and I intentionally kept this book to around 100 pages with chapters that are very concise and very down to earth. It's the kind of book that I wish I would have had when I was raising my child to have the information. It's not loaded down with a lot of heavy reading. It's not loaded down with a lot of jargon and scientific terms. It's a book that you can pick up and probably read in an hour and hopefully walk away and say, "Okay, I've got this now. I'm better prepared. I hope I never need it, but I'm prepared, and I know what to look for."

Kristina:  Parents out there who have younger children, educate yourself now before your kids hit these tween and teen years. There's nothing wrong with that!  Do it now while you have some time and you're not worried. Absorb all this information and knowledge. Then, you will set yourself up for being prepared if it ever comes to this, and hopefully, it never will. Where can we find your book?

Richard:  My book is available on Amazon. Also, the parent workbooks are available on Amazon. The easiest way to get to it is to go to the book's website:  helptheaddictedchild.com. On that site, you will be able to read some endorsements that have been made by psychologists and psychiatrists. You can read book reviews. You can read some blog articles. You can contact me through the website, and you can order both the book and the workbook on the website. They're available in electronic form for people who prefer to read things electronically. They're available in paperback form for those who would prefer to have a paperback copy.

Kristina: Please, parents, educate yourself early about substance abuse, but it's never too late. Get the information that you need. We have a plethora of resources for you, and I will make sure that they are all down below in the show notes. Check those out! Thank you so much, Richard, for being here. Until next time, parents. You got this. We're just here to help.

023: How My Child’s Brain Works

How My Child's Brain Works with special guest Brian Hemmer, gives tips for how to communicate with your child and how brain development makes a difference in your child's daily performance.  Great information and from this Colorado coach and mental health professional!

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