Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

027: Overprotective Parenting

Overprotective Parenting

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Transcript:

What do you want more than anything else in the world for your child?

To be happy, right?!  Is that what you said in your brain.  If it is, you apart of the majority of parents out there.  I am here to tell you that although this is natural- it also could be a problem!

Why?  Because a lot of us take this “wish” for our kids to extremes and the result is:             Enabling, Hover parents, and anxiety and stress in our kids AND for ourselves!

I am picked this topic this week because we are approaching the holiday season and this season is especially ridiculed with “expectations and the need to be happy”.  So although it is natural to want happiness for your child, you need to step back and consider the consequences. 

Let’s break this down a little further.  What do we really mean when we say “we want our kids happy?”  Well, for most of us- this means we don’t want our kids to experience pain.    As a parent, you can step in and help your child avoid physical pain, however, you can not protect them from emotional pain- nor should you want to!  Life is full of emotional pain.  It is how we live.  Having emotional pain and sadness teaches us to be grateful for happiness.  If you are trying to prevent your child from experiencing emotional pain, then you are also robbing them of living and learning from it. 

One of my favorite examples of this is from Walt Disney’s Nemo.  Dory is so wise in the movie when she is talking about Nemo to Marlen.  Marlen is Nemo’s dad and a classic hover parent.  She says to him,

“You can’t ever let anything happen to him.  Then nothing would ever happen to him!”

You have to let your child experience life and part of that experience is emotional pain.  When you think of it that way, you realize that protecting kids from pain is unrealistic.  In fact, it is doing them a disservice!   The best lessons in life are learned through pain.  I am sure that you have had a painful experience in your life and when you recovered from it, you were wiser and better for it.   Maybe it was a heartache, maybe you got caught doing something… whatever it was- it was the EXPERIENCE that made you LEARN and then you grew from that experience.   As a teacher, I can tell you with all certainty that we don’t learn best from books or theory- we learn from experience. 

 

So is it unrealistic to hope for no pain for our children or to shelter them too much?   I am not saying that you let them do whatever they want- yes, boundaries are important, but there is a balance between protecting them and letting them live and make their own choices. 

 

Furthermore, IF it is unrealistic to expect no pain in their lives then we, as parents, are setting OURSELVES up for disappointment and heartache when we try to overprotect them.  This is a parenting expectation that you can’t win.   So let go of this unrealistic expectation.  

I am going to go one step further and suggest that you teach your kids that pain, failure, heartache, and disappointment in their life is absolutely NORMAL.    Some of the depression that exists in our young people today stems from unrealistic expectations of how their life should be.   With social media only glorifying and portraying the “good” moments- our young people are being manipulated to think that their life should be that good. They should look that good, feel that good, be that happy…  If you have signed up for my newsletter, Big Impact,  you got my email about this.  Life isn’t that great.  Lol, Social media influence is stupid and completely fake! 

Dr. Shefali Tsabary suggests that as parents we should teach our kids not to gain any self-worth from external success.  She says our children should not base any part of who they are on the external.  This sounds easy, but it isn’t.   We live in a society that gives a ribbon to everyone who participates because we think the ribbon will teach the kid that they are valued on the team.  We pack our kid's schedules with activity after activity because society has told us that they need to be well-rounded, high achievers, and good at everything.  How stressful for our young people!  This artificially induced pressure is ridiculous!  Stop making your kids feel overburdened!  It’s ok. 

So what can you do about this?  Here are your Impactful Parent tips:

1. Start by sitting down with your kids and asking them, - how do you really feel about ________ Football, flute lessons, whatever the activities are. Did they pick those activities or did you pick those activities for them? Ask them,  If you could quit that activity and try something new, would you?  What would you try?   LISTEN to your kids.  Sometimes we project our likes and desires on our kids (which is a whole different topic for another day) but be aware of the question, “Is my kid doing this because they want to or because they feel like it is expected of them?” 
2. When they are having emotional pain, here are your dos and don’ts

Don’t:  Don’t ask what happened… yet.

Do:  Instead, start with empathy.  Say something like,  I see you are upset.  I am just going to sit right here and be with you for a bit.  If you want to talk about why you’re upset, I am here to listen.  Then just sit and be there.  Listen.  Validate their feelings.

Don’t:  Don’t say ‘You SHOULD have done this…”  You should have done that… This turns kids off- especially teenagers.  You can process better choices later AFTER they have had time to process their feelings.  Give them one thing to focus on at a time.  They don’t want your advice at that moment.  They want someone to hear them!

Do: Stay calm- no matter WHY they are upset.

Don’t: Don’t get upset yourself and make judgments about the situation.  This is really bad.  If you start saying stuff like, “I knew that friend was horrible” or getting emotionally charged yourself, they won’t be able to calm down AND you will be digging yourself a hole when they will be friends again with that person next week. 

Much like when your child was a toddler and they fell- if you react like “OH NO…. and scream- then they will scream.  But if you are calm, then they learn to fall and remain calm.   Even teenagers are looking to you for guidance on how they should be controlling their emotions. 

Well, thank you for joining me today.   I hope my message was impactful to a few of you out there that may be needed to hear that message.  You are an impactful parent. Parenting is hard and you got this! 

075: Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent

Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent

Here are the links from today’s episode: 

KudoBanz (positive reinforcement AR bracelets) https://kudobanz.com/

Play Attention (clinically tested ADHD software) https://www.playattention.com/

Sphero https://sphero.com/products/mini-kit

Pixicade (formerly Doodlematic, turn drawings into video games) https://www.tinkdigital.com/

T9 (programmable transforming robot) https://robosen.com/shop/product/t9-1

Gabb Wireless (great 1st phone for kids) https://gabbwireless.com/

Amazon Kindle Kids Edition (curated e-reader) https://www.amazon.com/All-new-Kindle-Kids-Edition-includes-access-to-thousands-of-books/dp/B07NMY72SC

AirFort (quickly inflating silk igloo) https://www.airfort.com/

SpotMyUV https://spotmyuv.com/

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IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent : 

Kristina: Welcome impactful parents! Today we are going to talk about gadgets and technology that can help us be better parents and help our children learn and grow. I have a special guest Scott Tharler, who is a gadget expert.  Scott has over 20 years of technology, journalist experience where he has been publicized in several different tech magazines. He is a father of two girls and one boy who launched his new program called The Family CTO. The Family CTO is a new kind of gadget website that enhances your digital lifestyle with fun and practical things.  Thank you for being here, Scott!

Scott: Kristina, thanks for having me.

Kristina:  How can gadgets help parents and really make an impact on parenting?

Scott:  Well, some gadgets will directly help you be a better parent.  The first is called Kudo Bands. Kudo Bands are cute little bracelets that children wear as a reward system tracker. It is all about positive reinforcement.  You start by asking your child what behaviors they believe they should be rewarded for. Sharing a toy? Helping out? Chores?  Whatever it is, you program the bracelet for those activities. Each time they do tasks that should be rewarded, the children receive a little trinket. The trinket fits right onto the bracelet. When children get three trinkets, they unlock something. The third trinket is a special thing that uses augmented reality to reward your child.  That means when I hold up my phone with the app over the bracelet, a magical animated thing happens that says congratulations, you just unlock something. Then children get to spin a prize wheel to see what they won. The secret is, the children already picked what they wanted for prize options when parents programmed the bracelet. I like prizes like going out for ice cream, a movie, a special daddy-daughter date, etc. Whatever it is, they get to choose what that thing is! This bracelet gets kids invested in the reward system right-away!  I find it works best for ages 4-8.

Kristina: Oh yes! I could see these bracelets even working for my 10-year-old.   He loves positive reinforcement and thrives off it.  What else do you have for us?

Scott: I recently heard about one that is called Play Attention.  It is for ADHD. It's a software program that helps kids focus. It uses clinically proven Neurofeedback to encourage kids to stay focused. It is such an interesting concept that you can train your brain to focus without popping a pill. I thought that was sort of a fun, proactive way to use technology.

Kristina: What are some of the things you have behind you?

Scott: I have got some fun things behind me, actually. This one is called Spiro. Spiro creates robotic spheres that you control with your phone, and the ball goes all over the place. They are the company that helped do the technology for BB8 in the Star Wars movies. The child sets up obstacle courses and programs the ball/sphere to maneuver the course. It is just fun to see a little ball go around and around.

This one is called Doodlematic. It is amazing. Kids draw with real markers on real paper, and then take their drawings and turn them into a video game! It's NOT just- they draw a picture, and then boom, the things do some weird animation. Doodlematic is a kit that takes you through directions on how a video game works. Your child needs a main character, and the characters need to be trying to do something. There also needs to be something trying to keep them from doing that thing. And so, it really helps kids develop their storytelling skills and creativity.  The end product is their very own video game.

Probably the showstopper is this guy. This is a robot from a company called Robo Sen. His name is T-9. He is a transforming robot. But that isn't all!  You can also program T-9 to do things. There are about 10 different commands you can give it. T-9 will start dancing around, shoot guns, and doing all sorts of really fun stuff. But what is cool about it is, your kids will learn to code through this product.  Kids can literally program him to do push-ups or a dance routine, whatever they want him to do!  This is the kind of toy that grows with your child.

Kristina: So many great gadgets! This is amazing.

Scott:  The next gadget is a phone called Gab Wireless.  It is a phone, stripped-down, and only has 14 apps. It does not do streaming. You cannot load more apps onto it. It does not do email. It doesn't do the internet. It only does what a kid's phone needs to do: call, text, take pictures, and record audio-video. That is it. There is a calendar on the phone, so you can put in chores and things like that. Still, essentially, it's just a simple phone. You do not even need parental controls because there's nothing else that a kid can do with it. Another great feature of this phone is its GPS feature.  You can see exactly where your child and the phone are located.  I love it because it makes me feel connected to my kids. I have peace of mind, and I know that they can do what they need to do, and they are not going to be addicted to their screen.

Kristina: That's a great one. I can see myself using it for a young child or even a teenager that has lost Smart-Phone privileges.

Scott: It should be a child's first phone. Because you do not just hand a kid a motorcycle and tell them to ride it. First, you give them a tricycle, then a bicycle and children work their way up. Why would you hand a child an iPhone?  It does not matter if it's an old iPhone. It's still connected to the great big world.

Many people get turned off by technology because they think gadget equals screen, equals turn off your brain. I like gadgets that don't have a screen. I have one here.  Here is my favorite thing that has no screen. It is called Air Fort. It is a silk igloo that inflates in seconds.  Now your child can build a fort in the house without all the mess! Clean up and set up are so fast and easy.

Kristina:  Forts and gadgets are fantastic for rainy days and snow days. Parents need resources they can count on for entertaining their kids productively when we cannot be there.   

Scott: Here is a cool technology for parents! It is called Spot-My-UV. It is basically a sun protection thing.  Spot-My-UV is a dot that you put on your shoulder when you plan to be in the sun for a while.   You put sunscreen on the dot and on yourself. The dot is made from a material that acts just like your skin. Parents apply sunscreen to their child and the dot, and later, when the dot dries out, it turns purple. Now you know when it is time to reapply sunscreen. No more guessing or watching the clock!

Kristina: These gadgets can make us better parents.  Scott, if anybody wanted to get ahold of you for more gadget stuff, how would they do that?

Scott: Well, I have a podcast, or you can reach out to me directly. It is Scott@thefamilyCTO.com

Kristina: Thank you so much for being here today, Scott. You have much to offer.

But until next time, you got this, parents. We are just here to help.

026: Anxiety and Depression Help

Anxiety and Depression Help with special guest Anne Hayes talks about a controversial topic: Coffee!   Yep, Anne Hayes talks about the benefits of coffee to help our young people with their anxiety and depression.  Listen and learn about this interesting concept that could help YOUR child.

For more help with anxiety management, check out my behavior management online course!  Discover how YOU can help your child and get started TODAY!   Check out https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety for more information about this course!

PLUS- that’s not all!  Check out the webinar for the steps you need to start seeing change!  Yep, I am giving you the steps you need to help your child with their anxiety for FREE!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar for this priceless content!  So grab a pencil and paper and watch today!

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Transcript: 

Anne Hayes, aka Mama G, is a speaker, an author, an inspirational rapper, and a single mom of two teens.   She is the founder of KickA$$ Happyness, a global movement that seeks to empower teens to experience a more joyful and fulfilling life.  

Kristina: Thank you for coming today, Anne. 

Anne: Glad to be here.   I am at the end of raising two teens. Finally, done with the rough 14-17-year-old period and what I found during the hard times is that I struggled with anxiety and depression.  Both of my kids have struggled, and also many of the teens that I have worked with over the years have struggled with anxiety and depression.   It’s sad because we just want to be happy.   

Kristina: Teen anxiety and depression is such a huge problem right now.  I know you want to talk about the potential benefit of coffee with teens.  This is intriguing.   Tell me more.

Anne: Ok, here is the deal.  I had a different perspective before I was managing the challenges I had with my daughter.  I was the parent that said, “My kids aren’t going to drink coffee.”  I had developed a belief system due to my upbringing, where I thought that teenagers drinking coffee were unhealthy.  That it could become addictive, it could be problematic.  There were adverse side effects.  If I had grown up in Latin America or Europe, I might have thought very differently.  But specifically with my daughter, who suffers from both anxiety and depression- I can tell you right now that coffee because it has caffeine in it, is a natural nootropic.  Nootropic is the big buzz word!  We want mental clarity, we want to be able to focus, we want to be able to concentrate, we want to have energy, we want to enhance our mood, and guest what-  Caffeine does all of that! Especially when you can enjoy the aroma of coffee, the taste, etc. there are a lot of different ways to enjoy coffee!   My daughter used to drink a big Dunkin Donuts large cup a couple times a day with crème and sugar!  Of course, I was concerned, but I also realized that it was getting her through.  It helped uplift her enough because she was struggling so much with the depression.  I also work with a lot of teens that experience a lot of anxiety.  They prefer NOT to drink coffee because they feel it makes them jittery.   To that, I am not saying, “Drink it!” although I do think it has its benefits, maybe try decaffeinated options because the decaffeinated coffee still gives you the benefits of the nootropics.  It has been scientifically proven.  And by the way, my daughter never became addicted.   As she healed and transformed, she began to rely less on coffee and doesn’t feel like she needs it every day.   The bottom line is, coffee has these benefits!  As a parent, if I am drinking coffee every day, and I enjoy the aroma and the experience, how am I going to turn around and tell my teen no!  You understand, as The Impactful Parent, that when we try to control too much, it does not enhance our relationship with our children.  We need to pick and choose our battles.  It is my belief that coffee should not be one of those battles.    

Kristina:   I like how you confronted that some people won’t like this idea.  They believe that the negatives outweigh the benefits. But I will also tell you from my own experience with a child struggling with anxiety and depression, that these parenting moments are scary.  You will do anything to help your child get through the day.  Your last worry is an addiction to coffee when there are so many other addictive agents out there that are much more harmful.   I really appreciate that you bring on this new idea and it is so simple!

Thank you, Anne, for coming on to The Impactful Parent.  For more information about Anne and to contact her, you can reach her at http://annehayes360.com

 

073: Surviving A Narcissistic Mother.

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother with special guest Charity Buhrow.  Charity speaks about her personal experiences living with a narcissistic mom, how she overcame the emotional abuse, and she gives tips for other people who might be dealing with a similar situation.   Learn from Charity in this powerful interview!

Here are the links from today’s episode:  Charity's website is ryzempowerment.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Plus- Do you have a child that struggles with ANXIETY? I CAN HELP! The FREE webinar on my fully online course to help children with big emotions will give you the framework you need to see a change in your child's behaviors! Check it out at https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Surviving a Narcissistic Mother:

Kristina:  Welcome parents to The Impactful Parent's Inspire and Learn Series, where real parents come on and tell their stories of inspiration and learning. Because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. So let's learn today from our guest speaker Charity Buhrow. Charity is going to talk to us today about Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

Charity: Thank you for having me. I'm really excited to be here.

Kristina:  I'm sure there is a journey that has gotten you to this place, and I know it's probably a really long story for you, but I really would like to hear how you grew up.

Charity: As a kid, we lived in a rural area of Wisconsin. Great childhood, when I look back on it. When I was little, we had go-karts and swimming pools. We lived out in the country, and we rode bikes to go hang out with the friends. As I got older, around eight or nine years old, my mom told me, "I'm your mom first. But we have the potential to be best friends. I want you to tell me everything in anything." Ideal, right? But as I got older, things changed slowly. It was confusing. I would share things with her that were super intimate, but then it would get thrown back in my face. It would throw me off. Self-doubt started to set at a very, very young age. And it was so subtle.

There was a time where she bought me a diary. She told me I can keep all my intimate thoughts in that diary and the diary even had a lock on it.  She told me that I don't have to worry about anyone breaking in and reading my personal information.  Then one day,  she started answering my passages of writing. I was like, "Whoa, wait, what?" She would write things back to me like, "You're ungrateful. Maybe if you had not acted like that, I wouldn't have needed to yell." She completely violated my trust on such a deep level.  It was at that moment that distrust started. 

Another example is math. I loved math.  My mom told me, "You're so bad at it. You're stupid." That was confusing to me because I had As in school, and my teachers told me I was doing a great job. Later, as a young adult, I ended up in accounting. I kept asking myself, "Why do I have this job? I'm horrible at math." I didn't realize that was residual from her trauma.  I was actually thriving at that job.  Later, I quit.

[caption id="attachment_2732" align="alignright" width="300"]Surviving a Narcissistic Mother[/caption]

There are more subtle examples. I was really thin growing up. I was a very tall blonde. Many people told me I should model, but my mom didn't want me to be seen as the center of attention.   She told me that because I was blonde, no one would take me seriously. In reality, I am smart!  All of this was so hurtful coming from my mom.

Everything was always about her. She would buy my clothes and dress me but tell me not to tell my dad.  She encouraged me to lie to my dad!  That was a struggle!   He was the primary moneymaker, and I liked my dad.  It was hard to lie. 

On the outside, we looked like an ideal family.  My friends never believed me. They never saw the bad stuff. My hair and makeup always had to be done.   I would tell her, "Mom, I have this opportunity." She would respond, "No, you can't do it. I don't want them looking at you. I don't want them to judge me based on you." She was also paranoid about others.  She told me not to ever talk about money outside of the house.  Mom said, "They're trying to take our money." I was confused.

My grandparents lived five doors down from us. I really wanted to have a relationship with them because they were so close.  I would ask to go visit them, and she would tell me, "No, no, no, no, no! They're spying on us. They break into our house. You can't talk to them. They hate me." You see, it was always about her.

She got a part-time job one time at one of the local taverns. People loved her great personality. But she came home one day, and all her friends turned on her. They finally saw through her lies and deception. Then it really started to spiral downhill pretty quick. She started videotaping the neighbors. She would watch the videos and be like, "Look what they're doing. I can't believe they're doing that." She also stopped taking me to dance class and blamed it on my dad.  I love dance class. He wanted us to be active, but she wouldn't admit that she didn't like taking the time out of her day to drive me back and forth from dance.

Eventually, I realized that my self-esteem had plummeted. By the time I was 19 years old, I was terrified of judgment and thought everyone was out to get me. I didn't think I'd ever make anything of myself. I didn't even go to college because she told me she would only help me pay for school if I went to her school of choice and studied what she wanted me to study. She also told me I was never going to make it.  One day, she even spent all the money in my saving that I had saved from work.   I was desperate, so I moved out as soon as I could. 

Kristina: I get this feeling that you felt like a puppet.

[caption id="attachment_2736" align="alignright" width="300"]Surviving a Narcissistic Mother[/caption]

Charity: Yes.

Kristina: If someone hearing your story right now thinks they might be victims of a narcissistic parent, but they still aren't quite sure, how would you tell them it feels?  What other adjectives could you give to how that felt?

Charity: Confusion is a big thing. It is an emotional roller coaster. One minute you feel love; the next, you are full of shame. You feel responsible for their suffering and their pain. It's very disheartening. You beat yourself up for it.

Kristina: What are some red flags?

Charity: They were everywhere!  Now I see them, but then it was mainly a deep unsettled feeling. The confusion is big.  I would tell someone that it is a sign when their parent gives you this bad feeling repetitively. You're always being blamed, and they are never at fault. You're going to start feeling crazy. Like you are the problem.

Kristina: I can see that one of the hardest things about this as a child would be, wanting to get help from somebody, but knowing that whoever you talk to,  they're not going to believe you. Your mom is just too likable!

Charity:  Yes. Oh, that is a big one. That's a huge one. I ran into that roadblock. I would go to someone, and I would explain what was going on. They would tell me I was being hypersensitive. Five years later, many came back and apologized. I would tell others that you need to keep going until you find someone willing to listen. After a while, you burnt out if no one hears you. I thought, "I don't want to go home. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to have to explain this to another person yet again, just to be shot down." You start to doubt yourself a lot, and you start to feel like you're crazy.

Kristina:  What was your 'A-ha' moment that made you realize you needed help?

Charity: My first marriage. When I graduated, I moved out three days after graduation, I could not get out of that house fast enough.

My mom kept trying to come over to my new home.  She criticized everything. The dishes weren't done, the decorating wasn't good enough, it wasn't clean enough… That was MY space! I didn't need her opinions.  I told her to go home several times.  Then I stopped going over to her house too. I started to notice that I felt better the more I pulled away.

Then I met a guy.  We decided we wanted to have kids, but something just didn't sit right. I got pregnant anyway, and we got married because I panicked.  I didn't want my kids to grow up being ridiculed like I was for having parents with different last names.  Then I had my daughter.  I was holding her in my arms, and I  looked over him and thought, "What did I do?" That was my aha moment!  That's when I realized I had married a person just like my mom.  Oh, crap!  I realized I had a couple choices. I can let this make me really bitter and really unhappy and stay stuck, OR I can use this as a stepping stone to get better.

Kristina: What are those first steps to recovery?  

Charity: Recognize that you are not at fault.  The second step is to find a doctor.

I found a primary care physician. She was fantastic. It took me nine tries to find her, but when I found her, I knew that she would listen to me. She was absolutely amazing. I had thrown off my back, had two young children. My fibroid was all over the board. I was a hot mess. I was replaying my childhood with my new husband and blown away by how similar it was. He kept telling me I was crazy and needed drugs. I walked into the doctor's office crying.  Fortunately, the doctor saw past my physical pain to my emotional pain and encouraged me to see a counselor. 

Find someone you trust and find someone you're comfortable with to support you and help you dissect your pain.  It doesn't have to be a counselor. It can also be a coach. Find someone and get help.

Kristina: You have so much to offer with your experiences to help empower others.

Charity:  It took a few years, but I finally came to peace with my mom.  I realize now that my mom didn't know what she was doing. She didn't set out to purposely harm me. Her behaviors were stemmed from how she was raised. I don't hold ill will.  My experiences have taught me how to be a good mom. I can't help but feel grateful for what I have been through.  It made me who I am today. 

Kristina: It feels like you have healed, and it is great to hear you don't have resentment toward your mother.  If people resonate with your story today and want to reach out and learn more from you, how would they do that?

Charity: The best way to get a hold of me would be my website is www.rzempowerment.com

Kristina:  Thank you, Charity! It was a pleasure to have you on the show. 

 And until next time, you got this parents. We're just here to help!

048: How To Help Angry Kids

How To Help Angry Kids

How To Help Angry Kids. Tips for teaching your child self-control and have less impulsivity. Getting to the root of the issue and helping.

For more help with anger management, check out my behavior management online course!  Discover how YOU can help your child and get started TODAY!   Check out https://theimpactfulparent.com/angry for more information about this course!

PLUS- that’s not all!  Check out the webinar for the steps you need to start seeing change!  Yep, I am giving you the steps you need to help your child with their anger for FREE!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/webinar for this priceless content!  So grab a pencil and paper and watch today!

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: My Child's anger is getting worse and worse.  How do I help them?

**How To Help Angry Kids episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, Linked In, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

074: Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How To Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen

FREE PDF mentioned in the podcast: https://theimpactfulparent.com/problem-solving

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Stop Power Struggles With Your Teen:

Power struggles as your child get older are developmentally appropriate.  When your child is young, they rely on you 100%, and as they age, their self-power increases little by little, but when kids are young, they take our opinions and words as gold.  Little children just accept the things we say as truth.  As kids get older and become more independent thinkers, that's when the questioning comes into play, and the power struggles begin.

The most popular reason at the heart of the power struggle that I have seen is the parents not wanting to control.  When parents are in control, it feels safe and secure to us.  Losing control is scary, and we all know that kids make bad choices, so we don't like to trust our children.  This lack of trust to let our children make their own choices and decisions come from fear for the parent.  We don't want to see our kids hurt by bad choices.  Many parents don't want to lose control of their child's influence because they see it as more opportunities for their child to get hurt.  The power struggle actually comes from a place of love in this circumstance.

As your child grows older and this exchange of power shifts, parents lose total control, and what remains is only influence.  Yep, I said it.  Parents, you can not force your child to do anything they don't want to do.  You lose control.  You may try to make their life so miserable that your choice is the only desirable choice your adolescent has- but in the end, it is still your child's choice. So, since parents are only left with influence as their best source of power, today, I will give you some tips for avoiding the power struggle and have the greatest influence on your child.

Tip #1 for avoiding the power struggle is making strong bonds with your child from the ages of 8-12.  These are the tween years, and they are the most critical years, in my opinion, to form your relationship with your child.  Parents who make a secure bond with their child have much more success influencing their teenager later because the foundation to trust you is already built.

Tip #2 for avoiding the power struggle is to help your child understand and accept their power.  This might sound counterintuitive, but you want your child to feel like they have choices in life, and your there to help them learn to make the right choices.  You want to make sure your child understands that you are not there to dictate their lives but rather support them through life.   This sentiment allows teens to let down their guard and gives the teenager space to open up to you.  This also means that as a parent, you have to shift your focus from talking to listening.  This brings me to tip #3

Tip #3 for avoiding the power struggle means thinking of your parental role more as a coach than an authoritarian.  Good coaches stand on the sidelines and give guidance on how their player can improve their game.  When a player is in a match and makes a mistake, the coach doesn't walk onto the court or the field, take the ball and start playing for the player.  No.  When parents are approached by their adolescent with the question, "What should I do, Mom?" the parent gives the child answers.  Giving your child answers doesn't teach them to problem-solve or think for themselves.

Tip #4 for avoiding power struggles is teaching your child how to be analytical and problem-solvers.  To do this, parents need to learn how to ask the right questions, they need to learn how to be active listeners, and they need to learn how to be patient with this process.  It sounds easy when I say it, but let's get real… being an active listener and helping your child learn to problem solve is exhausting.  It takes time and effort, and many parents don't have the energy to do it at the end of a long workday.  This can be one of their biggest mistakes.

So how do parents teach their kids to be analytical problem-solvers?  The answer is helping your child come to their OWN conclusions and choices by walking with them step-by-step through decision making.  If you don't allow your child to make their own choices and only give them directives, they will never internalize their choice.  It is so easy for humans to say, "I just did it because they told me to," and not learn from their mistakes or take responsibility for their actions. Your adolescent needs to learn how to make good choices, which will never happen if you make all the choices for them.  When parents call too many of the shots- that is when the power struggle rears its ugly head. But you can influence your child into making better choices by leading them into problem-solving with your help and guidance.  This then becomes a win-win situation.

I have a FREE PDF to help you through the process of teaching problem-solving with your child.  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/problem-solving to get this FREE PDF TODAY.

071: Lesson From A Mom of 10 Kids!

This is a can't miss interview!  Laura Hernandez, mom of 10 kids, tells the Impactful Parent community lessons from being a mom of 10!  Laura highlights some special topics such as foster-to-adopt, how to stay organized, what's it is like to have children with special needs, and so much more!

Here are some questions that I ask Laura during our meeting:

• Do you have any tips for the foster-to-adopt process?
• What are your children's special needs, and how do you help them?
• What were your special needs expectations?
• Are you afraid the biological parents will come back?
• What is the best part of the foster-to-adopt experiences?
• How do you create quality time with 10 kids?
• Do you ever go out to eat?
• How do you drive 10 kids around?
• What are your tips for creating systems?
• How do you make yourself a priority?

If you are considering adoption or foster-to-adopt in your city, this is a great video resource!  Listen as this real mom of foster kids talks candidly about her struggles and triumphs of being a foster mom.

Laura is full of great information, and anyone can learn from this experienced mom!  Read, Listen, or watch the video!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

072: Phone Addiction

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How can I tell if my teen has a phone addiction? What can I do to minimize phone use?

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Phone Addiction In Adolescents:

Signs of a teenager being addicted to their cell phone.  What is too much screen time? How to manage it?

Screen addiction is real. Today's Question and Answer Live is:  What are the signs of being addicted to the cell phone.  What is too much screen time. And how to manage screen time with a teenager.

Before I begin, I want to preface a few things. First of all, today's answer will sound negative because the questions today revolve around the negative effects of phones' over-use.  That is our content's focus; however, I don't believe that all technology is bad.  Technology has some major benefits for our young people when used appropriately.  Besides, this is such an important topic because technology is not going away.   We have to teach our children how to manage technology in healthy ways to continue teaching their children the same lessons.  Screens are here to stay, so let's educate ourselves as parents on how to teach our children to navigate them well.

There has been a decline in adolescent mental health since the influx of cellphone in the newer generations.  More teens are depressed, and there has been an increase in suicide attempts.  So this issue is real and shouldn't be ignored.

Ironically, despite being able to connect with anyone in the world in seconds, most people report that they are lonelier than they have ever been before.  This just shows that our connections with others via Snapchat and text messages are very shallow.  Our young people are missing the interpersonal connection with their peers that they need.  You can not replace the connection that in-person interactions produce.  Even voice-to-voice contact is much better than text messages.

This lack of connection with peers is not necessarily entirely your child's fault.  I see two huge problems that prevent children from connecting as they used to 30 years ago.

1. Parents aren't letting their kids get out anymore.

Gone are the days of letting your child run around the neighborhood and explore. "Come back before dinner and be careful" is not the norm of today's city living.  Of course, our intentions to keep our children safe is valid, but that doesn't mean that it isn't affecting our children in other ways.

2. The second reason is much more prevalent. It is the competition and nature of the social media platform.   Each website online is competing for your attention.  The goal of YouTube, Pinterest, Google, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,… ALL social media platforms are to keep you on their website as long as possible.  To do that, the internet algorithms keep track of what you watch, like, share, save. Then the algorithms provide you more similar content to stay on the channel and engaged.  The owner of each website is rewarded when you stay with them and watch their content.  Even me!  The more you share, push the like button, watch my videos, and save my posts, - the more the algorithms will like me and push out my content to more people who also watch similar videos.  Websites will also keep you engaged by using researched, attracting techniques, such as bright colors, non-stop entertainment, and playing video after video with no pause. Some platforms like Snapchat make the engagement a game to keep kids wanting more.  Snapchat gives the user reward points for each post or interaction with others.

This non-stop stimulation of the things kids love causes an increase in their dopamine levels in their brain.  Dopamine is the chemical our brain makes to tell us that we are happy.  When we stop looking at the screen, the dopamine levels drop, making us want more.  Kids then find themselves in a cycle of seeking out more and more dopamine to stay happy.  This is how the addiction starts.

So, as you can see, screen addiction is not entirely your child's fault.  In some respects, they are victims of a system that lures them in.

How do we know when your child has crossed the tipping point from regular phone use to addiction?

Cell phone addiction can have any of the following signs:

• Sleep disturbances. Insomnia is common with screens because of the constant stimulation.  This is a real problem and needs to be addressed immediately.
• Anxiety and irritability due to withdrawal. Is your child craving more dopamine?
• Feelings of loneliness.
• Feelings of 'needing' likes on their post to feel validated.
• Feelings of missing out if they aren't on their phones consistently. This usually manifests itself in needing to be on their phone all the time, including driving, eating, etc.
• Loss of interest to do other interactive, engaging activities.

How much is too much screen time?

The experts say that teens should be active at least 15 minutes for every hour of screen time and suggest no more than 2 hours of screen time per day.  My own personal suggestion is to turn off screens at least one hour before bedtime also.  It takes about that long to desensitize from the screen stimulation and relax so your child can fall asleep.

What can parents do to manage their child's screen time?

Tip 1:  Talk to your child about the impact of technology use and screens like I did with you today.  Show them this video or other similar videos available.  Sometimes kids don't want to hear the facts from you but will be more receptive if they hear the effects of technology from experts.

Tip 2: Teach your child to be intentional with their time on their phone by limiting their screen time with available apps.  There are several apps that parents can purchase that monitor electronics.  I use Qustodio personally in my own home. Still, there are several similar apps out there that can easily be googled and installed on your child's devices.  These apps can limit the times of day your child can access the functionality of their phone, limit the use of particular apps, limit the time duration your child can use their device, block explicit content, block particular apps, and more.

Tip 3: Intentionally create screen-free spaces and times in your child's day for no technology.

• Make rules for your home, like no phones at the dinner table. No phones from 5-6pm.  No phones when you are having a conversation with someone.
• Keep your child busy with scheduled activities that discourage screens like participating in sports, going for a bike ride, different clubs at school, etc.
• Go on a digital fast for a day and reward your child for their no-screen efforts.
• Encourage your child to talk to their friends on the phone instead of texting their friends.
• And lastly, you have to model good technology use yourself. If you don't practice what you preach, then your child will never listen to you.  You must also be willing to abide by the rules you are creating in your home.

Technology use and limitation have to start with a conversation with your child. You should reward them for the behaviors you want to see.  If your child puts down the phone for even an hour more than they usually do, reward them for those efforts and begin to increase those time little by little until it seems seamless.

You got this, parents. I am just here to help.

024: How To Help An Anxious Child

How To Help An Anxious Child.  3 Tips for helping kids with anxiety.

Important Links from the podcast:

Behavior Management FREE Webinar that teaches the steps you need to help your child and see change.  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Behavior Management Course Description: https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Don’t forget to follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Transcript:

"Mom, I am going to fail!  I can't do this!"  "Mom, this needs to be perfect, or it isn't right."  "Mom, I don't want to do that right now.  I'm not feeling good."   Do you hear these phrases in your house too?  Stop what you are doing and let me grab your attention because these phrases are warning signs!  These phrases can be the onset of ANXIETY.  

Anxiety is not a phase!  Helping your child early can make a huge difference later when they become young adults.

Anxiety is NOT just feeling nervous or worrying.  Anxiety is NOT just nail-biting or tapping your pencil on the desk.  Anxiety comes in many forms!  It is trouble concentrating, trouble sleeping, avoiding, loss of appetite, increased irritability, restlessness, overeating, feelings of guilt, and shame. Anxiety can be perfectionism or procrastination.  The list goes on.   Anxiety is so much more than many realize because everyone shows anxiety a little differently.

In its basic form, anxiety is when your child starts to worry consistently, and the worrying becomes a habit.  Once a behavior becomes a habit, we begin to lose control of what we are doing.  Our body goes into auto-mode instead.  With anxiety, our mind tells our body that there is danger near, and anxiety kicks in to protect ourselves.   Worry sets in and makes our body want to flee and escape the situation or avoid the threat.  The problem is that many times there is no danger and really your mind is talking untruthfully to you. 

So how can we help our kids avoid getting into the anxiety trap?  We need to help them change their mindset and how they think.  This is not easy.  If their minds are trying to protect them from danger, then we must reprogram their brains not to overreact to false threats.  Teaching kids to control their thoughts will result in them also learning to control their actions!  I offer a course that will help you and your child walk through what is needed to really get results. However, if you follow me consistently, you also know- I will not leave you hanging with no answers today!  Here are some things you can do right now to help your child start retaking control of their body!

#1 Teach them to count backward when they start to feel those butterflies in their stomach.  The idea here is to activate the prefrontal cortex (or the logical side) of the brain.  This is done by stopping the emotional thought that causes the onset of anxiety and doing something like counting backward.   There are several other techniques you can use but counting back 5-4-3-2-1 is one of the easiest methods.   Then, once the counting is done, tell your child to finish this sentence: "I am excited to _____________," and think of a happy thought.  The objective is to train your child to stop the negative thoughts that make them anxious and refocus.  The negative thoughts will not go away, but the goal is not to let worry take over entirely and stabilize the body's reaction to worry by providing the brain with alternative positive thoughts.

#2 Don't minimize their feelings by saying things such as, "Everything is fine.  Just calm down" or "You're overreacting."  Instead, start asking questions!  Keep asking questions that will force your child to evaluate their thinking and debunk their irrational thoughts.  For example, you can ask.

What evidence do you have that something terrible is going to happen?

What is the probability of the unfortunate happening?

What can you do to ensure that nothing bad will happen?

Keep asking questions while you go for a little walk, to activate their logical thinking again. 

#3 Praise your child wildly for their achievements, for being brave, and for staying in control of their emotions.   Point out their successes! To gain confidence and replace their unwanted habit of worry with confidence, your child will have to repeatedly control their thoughts.  Practice and repetition are how they will build their new habit.

I wish that eliminating anxiety was as easy as 3 simple steps, but it is not.  For more comprehensive support and help, check out The Behavior Management Course: Helping Children Control Big Emotions.   I offer a FREE webinar that talks about the course and gives you the step by step framework you need to start seeing change!  Plus- just for taking the time to watch the video, I also include a FREE PDF called 20 Ways to Cope.   These 20+ coping techniques are researched and tested to work for helping kids with anxiety.   This is my gift to you so you can start helping your kids right away, even if you find the course is not for you. 

Help your child overcome their anxiety today!

070: Why Are Children Stubborn?

It is Question and Answer Thursday and today's question was: Why Are Children Stubborn?

Anxiety Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Anger Management Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar

**Why are children stubborn episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Live can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

“I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!”  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select “Write a Review.” Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I’m adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not subscribed, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript For Why Are Children Stubborn:

Today we’re going to talk about Why are children stubborn?  There could be several reasons, but I will give you a few reasons today, and let’s see if they resonate with you.

Have you ever had your child scream something like, “I know they’re talking about me right now?” Or “They hate me.” Or, “I just always screw up, or I never get things right.” Well, if this sounds familiar, then this video is for you. Children get stuck in what is called Thinking Traps. What are Thinking Traps? They’re when our emotions get the best of us, and we start to interpret our situation unrealistically, unhelpful, and it triggers anxiety, stress, sadness, and even anger. It’s like our brain is stuck, and we become a broken record inside of our heads. These negative thoughts often get repeated over and over and over again. And anytime that you say something to yourself over and over, after a while, you begin to believe it. That is why these Thinking Traps are dangerous and why we need to help our children. We don’t want our children to think negatively about themselves consistently.

Let me give you another example. This is a personal example from my own home. My daughter was crying one day, and she wouldn’t stop. She sobbed in her pillow and held her blanket tightly. I walked into her room, and I said, “what’s going on? What happened.” She responded with, “Well, my whole assignment is ruined. I’m going to fail for sure. I might as well just give up.”

I didn’t know what to do at the time. I sat there, and I listened. I tried to empathize, and I told my daughter that she doesn’t really seem to be thinking rationally. I told her, “I don’t think you’re going to fail. Please don’t give up. You can do this.” I was offering encouragement. But of course, she wouldn’t hear it, and she rejected everything I had to say. I offered advice too but, it didn’t help. I couldn't figure out why my child was being so stubborn!

When kids get stuck in Thinking Traps, they seem so stubborn. Their thinking is irrational. Their thoughts are being distorted, and psychologists call these Cognitive Distortions. Their perception of reality is skewed. You hear children say things like, “He thinks I’m stupid,” or “My life is over.”

My heart goes out to parents because I know this is really difficult to combat and handle. After all, it’s very frustrating. Step one for helping your child is learning what Thinking Traps are so you can spot them when they happen. I’m going to explain to you in this video several of the most popular kinds of Thinking Traps. Then I’m going to end with four suggestions on how to combat those Thinking Traps, and lastly, I’m going to give you a bonus at the end. So, stay with me because we got a lot of great things happening today.

Thinking Traps:

Fortune Telling.   This is when we predict the future will turn out badly. Your child might say things like, “I couldn’t get an A last semester, so I know I won’t get an A this semester either.  OR “No one is going to come to my party.  I just know it.”  BUT we don’t really know how things will turn out.

Black and White Thinking.  This is when we only see the situation in terms of extremes.  Good or bad.  Success or failure.  In your child, it might look like this: …. If they had a test and fail- now they are saying things like, “I am stupid.” “I don’t know anything.” Or if a close friend gets angry with them, now they are saying things like, “I am completely friend-less.  No one will ever be my friend anymore. I am completely unlovable.”   You see, there is not in between thinking- These kids use the words ALWAYS or NEVER a lot.  Everything is super good or super bad when most life situations fall somewhere in the middle.  If you get one traffic ticket- it doesn’t mean you are the worst driver in the world.  It just means you must slow down and reassess your driving tendencies.

Catastrophizing.  This is when we imagine the worst possible outcome is going to happen.  If your child fails that one exam, they may say things like, “Now I am never going to get into college!”  Or “my parents are arguing so they must be getting a divorce!”  This Thinking trap can also come out as Over-Estimating Danger.  This brings on a lot of anxiety, and you may hear kids say things like, “I’m am just going to die!” or “It will give me a heart attack.”  Everything is a disaster in their mind, but the imagined worst-case scenario usually never happens.

Mind-Reading.  This trap occurs when we believe that we know what others are thinking.  “I know they hate me because I see the looks they give me.” “I know my teacher thinks I am stupid.” This Thinking Trap has children jumping to conclusions.  However, we don’t really know what others think at all.

Ignoring the Positive Thinking Trap.  This happens when we only pay attention to the bad things and overlooking the whole picture- which usually has some good too.   We can’t come to a balanced conclusion at all and often, this Thinking Trap manifests itself in belittling our successes.  You hear kids saying things like, “That doesn’t count.” “I only got lucky” or solely just focusing on the one bad part of their day instead of the 20 things that went well.

Everyone Is Against Me.  These kids feel the world is against them and are often aggressive when they have a disagreement with others or get in trouble at school.   They go into a fight or flight mode. These children are often misunderstood because they are “fighters” and are simply trying to protect themselves from harm.  The threat may not be real, but it is real to them.

Thinking Traps can bring a lot of anxiety and anger management issues into your household. The problems can mount and if Thinking Traps are not addressed- matters can worsen.  If anything I said today resonated with you, I’d like for you to check out a couple of other free videos that I have for you.

The free videos are webinars. They’re going to go in more depth about what’s going to help take those behaviors and change them in your child. It’s an eight-step process. I have one webinar if your child’s Thinking Traps manifest in anxiety. I have a different webinar for Thinking Traps that manifest in aggressive behaviors. If you can get two or three different new tips to help your child that you didn’t know before, which I know you will, then it’s worth your time to watch!

Anxiety Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anxiety-webinar

Anger Webinar:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar

Now let’s get to four quick tips about how you can combat some of these Thinking Traps!

1. Help your child get grounded. This means, help them think of something different.  Move their attention away from the problem for a little while.  Concentrate on breathing, their heart beating, or simply get them to talk about something else for a while until they calm down, so you can revisit the problem more rationally.
2. Teach you about Thinking Traps. Make them aware of what they are and how they can be a problem.  Then, help them recognize when they may be in a Thinking Trap situation.
3. How to give your child a reality check. Ask the child questions to make them realize that they could be irrational.  Challenge the Thinking Traps with strategic questions.
4. Roleplay different solutions. Allow them to see other possible outcomes visually.

And this is just the beginning!  Find out more about the 8 steps it will take for you to help your child change their behaviors so that you can stop worrying all the time and bring normalcy back into your household.