Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

081: Lessons From Being Bullied.

Lessons From Being Bullied. An interview with Chris Burcher talks about the lasting effects of bullying and how to overcome it.

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for Lessons From Being Bullied:

Kristina: Welcome parents to The Impactful Parent's, Inspire and Learn series where real parents come on and tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. So today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, his name is Chris Bircher. Chris will tell us his personal story of being bullied and what he learned from the experience, plus he will give parents tips for supporting their own bullied children.

Chris: Thank you for having me. It's my pleasure.

Kristina: I want to hear your story. What's your experience with bullying?

Chris:  I was bullied a lot as a kid. I was a small kid. I was a scrawny kid. Do you remember the feed the world programs with Suzanne Somers? Apparently, I looked like those little Ethiopian kids, and my friends actually called me Ethio. That made me an easy target. And I was a sensitive kid and a shy kid. On the playground, I'm the kid the bullies would go after.  I had weird nicknames. I dressed funny.  I used to like California fashion, and I was in Georgia. That didn't go well. I was always a little different. I was naive. I was constantly ridiculed and called names. The bullying ended eventually when I went through a growth spurt and got taller as a teen, but the scars were already there. I felt like something was wrong with me. I thought something about me attracted this because I was a bad person or something. I carried that with me through adulthood, so it's important for me to share about it today and hopefully help others.

Kristina: Speak to me a little more about the long-term effects of the bullying you've experienced. What were the lessons from being bullied?

Chris:  Well, the big one is shame. It was shameful to be bullied.  When I was growing up, being a bully was even rewarded.  It was masculine to bully.  Now, we understand the damage that can be done by being mean to others.  Too late for me, though.  I carry my damage around with me.  For a long time, I felt like I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve things that other people had, for some reason. I was less and an outcast.  Those thoughts from being bullied became part of me.  Now, I've learned how to leverage those feelings into uniqueness.  I am curious and creative. Being a shy person makes me a sensitive person and makes me very empathetic.  If you called somebody empathetic in 1975, it was probably an insult, but today it's an attractive quality.  My wife is attracted to me, in part because I'm an empathetic person. Today, I love myself because of the qualities that made me a target. I've been in therapy for 10 years to undo the damage.

Kristina: Did you ever try to stand up for yourself?

Chris:  No, that's a great question because I think about this all the time. If I had a son, I would tell him to stand up for himself because I wonder what if I had just fought back? I thought of fighting back when I was young, but I never did.  Instead, I decided I was going to be a pacifist. Gandhi was in the news, and so I knew what a pacifist was.  I found a model, but I always wondered, What if I would have fought back? How might that have changed my life? Another part of the baggage I carry is weak boundaries. I'm codependent. But I wonder if standing up for myself would have made me a different man today.

Kristina: It's interesting that you, as an adult self, can go back and look at that young self and see where some of these adult traits came from. You can identify that you have weak boundaries. You have had a lot of personal growth and insightfulness due to your experiences. I'm glad you're learning from them and grow from them.

Chris:  Yes, I would encourage every child to get help from an adult they trust as soon as possible.  Reach out to someone and tell them what is happening.  Although I have turned my experiences into good, I would encourage kids to get help ASAP and not wait until adulthood to deal with the problem.

Kristina: What would you say to the child who is getting bullied today and asking YOU for help?

Chris:  That's an excellent question, and I've thought about it a lot. Well, the first thing I would tell a child is that this is NOT about you. This is about the bully. This bully is someone who does this because they're hurt. They're hurting inside, and they're not able to connect with their emotions. They're not emotionally healthy. They're taking this out on you.  

Now let's talk about you. You're getting picked on because you have all of those characteristics, personality traits, and mental health that the bully doesn't have.  The bully sees something in you that they want, and they can't have it, or they don't understand it. The bully is jealous of you, and so they're taking this out on you. Now, what you have is the ability to navigate this. You will heal from this experience.  You will grow up to be a better person because of it.  You might not know it, but you have the skills to incorporate this into your life as something positive. It feels really bad right now, but you can turn this into something that will benefit you throughout the rest of your life. Also, consider that the bully probably comes from a bad home life. Think about what it's like for this person at home and develop empathy for them.  Think about what it must be like to come home to your parents fighting every day or to no food in the house or not have a ride to school or people who beat you or parents who don't love you. Now compare that life to how you feel. I know it feels bad, but your bully is likely going through something worse.

Kristina: I love the empathy that you're trying to instill into the child. You're absolutely right. A majority of bullies are actually in a lot of pain themselves. They try to gain control in an area because they don't feel like they have control elsewhere. Bullies typically feel chaotic and out of control somewhere in their life that is important to them. To compensate for these feelings, the bully will find a way to control a different aspect of their life.  Unfortunately, it comes out in being a bully.

Kristina: If somebody resonates with your story and wants to contact you, how would they get ahold of you?

Chris: I have a podcast where I talk about a lot of different issues.  Check that out, and you can find information on the podcast and how to reach me at www.chrisburcher.com

Kristina: Thank you so much for being here. You have a lot that you can contribute!  I hope everyone enjoyed this episode of Lessons From Being Bullied.

080: How To Get Your Child To Listen So You Can Stop Nagging

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging! :

How to get your teen to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!

This week's question is:  How do I get my teenager to do the small stuff when doing all the big stuff right?  For example, my son gets good grades in school and is generally a good kid. Still, I am constantly nagging him to pick up his clothes (and picking up his dirty socks from all over the house is just the beginning.)  Please help.

Isn't this a great question this week!  I know I have been there too.  I hate nagging my kids and feeling like I am on their butt all the time. I especially like this question because the parent acknowledges that her son is smart, capable, and generally a good kid; therefore, I sense some guilt in her nagging. She knows that her son makes good choices outside of the home and is mainly getting frustrated that she doesn't see that behavior inside the home with simple tasks.

Today, I will give you 3 tips for stopping the nagging and getting your child to do the small stuff.

Tip number 1: Figure out what your teen loves and use that to your advantage.

Your teenager is inherently selfish.  Not because they are trying to be, necessarily, but because teenagers are actually wired that way.  They don't have all of their brain parts working on full cylinders yet, and mother nature compensates that by making their first instinct to do what is best for them.  What I mean is, your teen is constantly asking themselves, "What is in it for me?" If picking up socks doesn't enhance their own life, they will have little motivation to do it, and this goes for everything else you're probably asking them to do at home.   Your teenager does not regard making your life easier as being something of value to them.

The solution to this problem is making your requests have value and weight.  Unfortunately, this usually comes in the form of withholding what they want to do until you get what you need them to do done.  In other words, start implementing this phrase, "You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do." By repeating this statement repeatedly to your teen and ingraining that phrase into their brain- you will also be teaching them a valuable life lesson. Adulthood is full of "You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do." In fact, if you have a child doing most of life right outside of the home, it is because they already know and have internalized this lesson in the school setting but refuses to accept it at home because you, the parent, probably haven't reinforced it enough.

To reinforce this lesson, you need to:

1. Find out what your child cares about and get motivated to do? Is it going out with friends? Spending time on YouTube or gaming? Going to soccer?
2. You need to sit down with your child and tell them that from this day on, the rules are changing. Tell your child that you are tired of nagging at them.  Tell them that you don't want to be that parent that nags all the time.  Tell them that there are certain responsibilities they need to do around the house as being a part of the family household.  These chores and expectations should be laid out verbally or even in writing.  Tell them exactly what you need from them.  For example, I need you to NEVER leave your socks around the house.  I don't ever want to see one of your dirty socks lying around the living room.   Be very explicit with your directions.  They can't read your mind or your passive-aggressive hints.
3. Once all the expectations are laid out on the table, tell them the consequences of not doing what you asked. For example, every time I find a sock lying around the house, I am going to take 10 minutes off of your electronics time, OR I am going to start making you do your own laundry, OR you will be required to vacuum the living room before I allow you to go to basketball practice.
4. And step for is truly falling through with your consequences.  If you tell your child that he has to vacuum before basketball practice, then take his keys to the car, call the basketball coach, and tell him that your son will be late.  You don't need to excuse him from basketball, but follow through with the consequence.

By ingraining the phrase, "You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do," you are teaching your child that completing chores equals getting privileges.  You need to be consistent with it and follow through. Lastly, consider that you don't always have to take away stuff to motivate a child.  You can also provide incentives for doing what you want or even use a combination of the two.  Take away privileges if they don't listen and reward them if they do- can be a powerful strategy to make results happen for you quicker.

Tip #2-  Give them a window of time to get your requests done.

Many parents make the mistake of demanding their older children do what they ask right here and right now.  But, if your teen feels like they are being strong-armed into doing your requests' only your way,' or 'on your timetable,' then they won't be motivated to do what you want. Your growing young adult needs some space to do things their way too.  Your child is searching to gain their independence, and your demands can feel belittling to them.  And just as you might feel if your boss didn't give you any leeway to do your job, your teen will begin to resent you if you always demand things on your timetable.  The good news is, this is an easy fix!  Just give your child a time frame for completing the task you want.  For example, please pick up your socks before dinner or please pick up your stuff from the living room within the next 2 hours.

And lastly, Tip #3-  Change your expectations. 

Pick and choose your battles.  You may want to start with just the socks and be consistent with your consequences for the socks first before you try implementing all the little things your child might be annoying you with.  Sometimes it's better to tackle things little by little to see more long-lasting results.  If you try and get your child to shift their way of thinking by implanting 5 new rules, you can get some significant push back.   But the same child might find your one smaller request more manageable to deal with and start complying with less resistance. Then once that new request becomes the new norm, you can start implementing more requests.

029: Meal Prep Tips

Meal Prep Tips with special guest Ahuva M. is more than just your average meal preparation podcast!  Ahuva gives us great tips for getting our kids to eat green foods and making mealtime less stressful!   Listen as meal prep tips are taken to a new level of awesome! 

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

078: Help! My Child is Transgender

Help! My Child Is Transgender with Jack Ori gives lots of tips for how to support your transgender child and what parents can do for themselves also.  This video provides resources, advice, and parent education for any family going through transition and awareness.

This powerful video educates about the struggles of families with a transgender child.  Support is important for everyone in the family.  This video provides links for support, coaching, and parent education.  Topics include parent's most common fears, keys to supporting your child, common challenges for the parents of transgender children, common challenges for trans children, common triggers for trans kids, and MUCH MORE!  This is a must-watch for any family going through the transition of gender dysphoria.

[caption id="attachment_2781" align="alignright" width="300"]Help! My Child Is Transgender[/caption]

For additional support with your trans child, you can reach The Impactful Parent at https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me. 

In addition, Jack Ori can be reached at www.facebook.com/groups/supportnetworkforparentsoftransgenderkids

and

http://www.jackori.com

Video Markers and Topics:

• 0:00​ intro
• 0:58​ Definition of transgender
• 3:39​ Parents first reaction
• 5:29​ Is my child sure? Parent fears.
• 6:44​ Common parent challenges
• 8:00​ Communication skills
• 9:10​ Most common fears
• 11:24​ Parents feeling helpless
• 12:48​ What happens if I don't support it?
• 14:02​ Keys to supporting your child
• 15:48​ Triggers
• 21:35​ What if I can't accept it?
• 23:36​ Parent support
• 26:33​ Contact information and resources
• 29:35​ Final thoughts

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

To make an authentic connection with your child, try one of my FREE 30 Day challenges.   Sign up today and you'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days.  These questions provoke a new conversation with your child and get you away from the boring questions like, "How was your day, and do you have any homework?"  Start connecting with your child one question at a time!  Completely FREE, so NO excuses! Sign up NOW and watch your connection grow with your child in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

079: How Do I Stop The Eye Rolls From My Child?

4 tips parents can use to stop the eye rolls and start connecting better with their child.  These 4 tips will have you talking to your child and connecting better during the rough pre-teen and teenage years.

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was:  My pre-teen and I are starting to butt heads.  It feels like they aren’t listening to me anymore, and my sweet daughter is becoming a diva.  What irritates me the most is how much she seems to ignore my requests.  How can I stop this now before it gets worse?

FREE PDF Questions To Ask Your Child So They Will Learn From Their Mistakes:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions

Submissions for Q&A LIVE can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions are anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for How Do I Stop The Eye Rolls From My Child?:

Today we are going to talk about getting your child to listen to you better!

Today’s question is:  My pre-teen and I are starting to butt heads.  It feels like they aren’t listening to me anymore, and my sweet daughter is becoming a diva.  What irritates me the most is how much she seems to ignore my requests.  How can I stop this now before it gets worse?

Step 1:  Calm yourself down first.  When our kids get us angry or annoyed, we tend to talk down to them in our anger.  This is a bad habit that many parents get hooked on when kids are small because younger children will take it.  As your children get older, they begin to resent you for how you may be talking “down” to them.  To stop yourself from yelling or speaking from anger or disappointment, it is important that parents pause for a moment, collect themselves, and calm down first.  If I am angry, I tell my kids that I am mad and need 5 minutes to collect myself before addressing the problem.  This role modeling is awesome for your kids to see, and it gives me a few minutes to collect my feelings. Remember: How you respond to your child’s behavior will greatly impact how the whole scene unfolds.  Yelling at your children will either put them in a flight or fight mode.  Flight is a cowering state of being, just as they may have reacted as a young child; OR a fight mode will have your child standing up for themselves and yelling back at you.  Those are primitive responses ingrained in your child.  We don’t want to trigger either of those responses.  We want to start a dialogue instead.

Step 2: Don’t lecture. Older kids already know what they did wrong.  They need help learning from their mistakes and understanding the consequences of their actions.  That is where your focus should be.  Lecturing will only lead to eye rolls and kids tuning out.  Instead, start asking questions to help your child learn from their mistakes.  To help you with this, download my FREE PDF Question To Ask Your Child So They Will Learn From Their Mistakes at https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions Older kids don’t need parents to tell them not to make bad decisions.  They need their parents to redirect them, helping them recognize the consequences of their choices and how to make a better choice next time. This FREE PDF will help you do that, parents, so go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions to get this free resource!

Step 3: Let your child talk.  As your child gets older, they want a voice.  They need you to hear them.  Even if you don’t agree with your young human, they need to feel like they are heard; otherwise, they will resent you.  I highly suggest you ask your child when they are in a good mood if they feel like you hear them.  You might be surprised by the response.  Either way, strive to let your child have a voice and then rephrase what you hear them say and what you see them doing.  When you summarize what you hear your child saying, it creates space for them to feel understood or correct you.  Either way, this is a win-win.  So instead of commanding, demanding, or criticizing when you want your child to do something, try to describe what you see.  For example,

• Don’t say, Put your books away. Instead, try saying, I see that you put your books on the table again.  Please move them before dinner.
• Don’t say I can’t believe you failed that test! Instead, try saying, I thought you felt ready for that exam, so I am surprised you got a D. What do you think happened?

Step 4: Try to phase out the outright NO.  How you say no to your child matters.  Again, if you say no in a harsh tone, you’ll automatically invoke a fight response.  Your child will immediately get defensive. To avoid this, I suggest you phrase your ‘NO’ with a ‘Yes’ included too.   For example, your child might ask if they can meet up with some friends after school.  You know that your family already has other commitments, so you have to tell your child No.  I would phrase my ‘no’ like this: Of course, you can see your friends after school, but we can’t do that today.  I will call Jake’s mom and see if he can pick you up after school tomorrow instead.

See how I am coupling my No with a Yes?  Your child might still have trouble accepting the no, but I find this technique helps children not focus on the negative as much, and the push back isn’t as strong. You may want to strive for coupling your ‘no’ with a conditional ‘yes’ for teenagers.  For example, if your child asks to have an extra hour of video gaming with their buddies, but you don’t like the idea of more screen time, maybe you can compromise with your teen by saying, “Sure, you can have an extra hour of screen time tonight as long as all homework is done and you go for a walk with me around the park after school for 30 minutes.”

These are only a few tips to get you started communicating with your pre-teen and teen better, but I hope it helps!  As your child gets older, you’ll need to become more flexible and creative with your responses, which isn’t always easy, but you can do it with practice.  It’s difficult for parents to shift from an authoritarian ‘No because I said so’ response to the more lenient responses I suggested today. Still, in the long run, it can help your relationship with your child.

I hope all this helps.  You got this parents. I am just here to help.

028: Expectations Are The Death of Connection

Expectations Are The Death of Connection

To make an authentic connection with your child, try one of my FREE 30 Day challenges.   Sign up today and you’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days.  These questions provoke a new conversation with your child and get you away from the boring questions like, “How was your day, and do you have any homework?”  Start connecting with your child one question at a time!  Completely FREE, so NO excuses! Sign up NOW and watch your connection grow with your child in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

 

Transcript:

 “Ms. Campos, I know I am disappointing my parents.  I’ve tried my best, but nothing I do is ever right.  How am I going to tell them that I failed again?”

-Anonymous Teen

Your child has likely felt the same way at some point.  Yep, EVEN YOUR CHILD! It is not our intention to make our kids feel this way, but we do it all the time.   How?  Expectations. We expect more from our children than anyone else.  “What?  No, I don’t Kristina.  Not me,” you might be saying.  Well, I am going to challenge you on that thought. 

We all start parenthood with an ideal dream.  Think back to your pregnancy with your first child. You had high hopes and were full of excitement.  You wanted that happy family.  You probably even daydreamed about your new life as a parent and envisioned your child in your imagination.  You saw yourself parenting better than your parents did and raising a fantastic human being who was going to turn out successful. 

What does “successful” mean to you?  I challenge you to stop here for a moment and brainstorm words that equal success in your mind.  Does that mean to have a good job, make a certain amount of money, or have a certain amount of independence? Then, what does your child have to do to BE successful? Get good grades, not play video games, become a good athlete, be heterosexual, or dress a certain way?  These questions take time to answer and a lot of soul searching, but if you take the analysis seriously- then you will get to the heart of your expectations. 

Expectations hurt our relationship with our children.  Eventually, children will fall short of meeting our expectations, and when they do- they feel hopeless, sad, confused, and worthless. Over time, if our child keeps feeling that they are not living up to our expectations, they can eventually give-up all together, feel unlovable, and disconnect from our parent-child relationship. 

Do you remember having those feelings as a child?  Which of your parent’s expectations did YOU not meet?  Consider reflecting on your own childhood and your own hidden expectations you have for your child, then watch this week’s Bigger Impact Video on Wednesday, where I will discuss this topic further.  Step one is acknowledging these expectations so that we can move into a better and closer relationship with our kids!

Are you frustrated with your child because they simply aren’t turning out the way you expected? Maybe parenting life- just isn’t the peachy-keen reality you were hoping for?  We all feel this way from time to time, and when you get into those ruts- you need to watch this video!  This disappointment I know you are feeling- stems from having expectations.  You see, expectations ruin relationships and kill happiness.   In today’s video, I am going to explain why expectations ruin your connection with your kids and this might be the cause of some of the disconnect you are having with your tween, teenagers, and even young adult children.

Let’s start with where our expectations come from.   Well, most of them come from society but they can come from our aspirations, hopes, dreams, or from our upbringing, or really anywhere where we were taught “This is how things are supposed to be.  This is what things are supposed to look like.”  But the keyword here is Taught.  Expectations are TAUGHT mind-set.  That means, we can change our expectations if we choose.

I think parents expect more from their kids than anyone else.  It is 100% natural to envision a home full of bliss and bonding, but we find out the minute you have a baby that won’t stop crying- that parenthood especially- is not what we expected.   Yet we continue to hope for things for our kids and expect them to act a certain way.  We expect them to do certain things. All these expectations cause a huge burden on your child.  The pressure is enormous and when you keep having expectations- they will eventually fall short and here is where your relationship suffers. 

What happens when our kids don’t live up to our expectations?  They don’t become the athlete, the musical genius, the straight-A student… that we wanted them to be?  Well, this leads to disappointment for you and despair for the child.  Really we are setting up our relationship with our children for doom when we have expectations.  And what if you have a “people-pleasing child?”  What happens when they can’t live up?  If we expect our child to BE something and these “people pleasing children” put all their self-worth into pleasing you because their love language is Words of Affirmation, and they can’t wait to hear your praise and see you proud of them- then when they can’t live up to the expectation, they feel like a failure and go into depression.  Even their journey to get that praise is full of anxiety. Honestly, many children- especially those that have Words of Affirmation as their love language, see your expectations as a “conditional kind of love”.  What!  Conditional love!  I know that’s not what you intended but that is how it is being perceived. 

So how do we combat this?  Step 1:  Identify when you are feeling disappointed in your child and then ask yourself if the reason for that disappointment is due to an expectation.  Step 2: Challenge that expectation.  Why do you have it? Where is it stemmed from?  Is society telling you to expect that?  Let me give you some examples:

Why am I disappointed that my child has Bs and Cs?  Is it because they are not A student?  Is it because I am embarrassed about what others will think? Am I embarrassed because they won’t get into the University that I want them to? 

Or Why am I disappointed that my child wants to have a same-sex partner?  Am I disappointed with what others will say? Is it because my upbringing TAUGHT me to disagree with it?

Really being honest with yourself and finding the answers to WHY is tough!  Be aware that you will likely try to make excuses for yourself and your feelings!   But dig deep and evaluate your feelings.  This won’t be easy, but understanding where your expectations are coming from is important.  My hope is that this self-analysis on “Why things need to be a certain way” will lead you to an ah-ha moment, which then will lead you to surrender those expectations and accepting your CHILD for the person they are.  It can save your relationship.

076: Parenting During and After Divorce

Parenting During and After Divorce gives tips on:

• How to limit the negative impact on your kids
• Tips for making your communication effective
• How to talk to kids and what to say
• Things to talk about with your EX
• Things to talk about with your new love interest
• How to introduce a new love interest to your children
• and much more!

Do you have a child that struggles with ANGER? I CAN HELP! The FREE webinar on my fully online course to help children with big emotions will give you the framework you need to see a change in your child's behaviors! Check it out at https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for Parenting During And After Divorce:

Kristina:  Welcome to The Impactful Parent Inspire and Learn series. Real parents tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes. Still, a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes, and today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, Aaron Windtke. Aaron will talk to us about divorce and a father's perspective on going through a divorce. Thank you for being here, Aaron.

Aaron, you have four daughters, but I also know that you have gone through a divorce from talking to you earlier. And when that happens, family dynamics change. It is going to hurt the kids, no matter whether it's amicable or not. Divorce is just a painful transition for every family. Do you have any tips or advice that you can give the audience who are going through a divorce and try to minimize the negative impact that it might have on their family?

Aaron:  Yeah, what a great question, and not an easy topic, so I'll do my best to address it. When I was going through my divorce, the first thing was to put the kids in counseling. It's very important that the kids understand it's not their fault and that they're not why the two adults are going their separate ways.

Also, I actually think I became a better dad because of my separation from my ex-wife. This is sad to say, but I took time with my kids for granted as a married man.  I was just in a routine, you know. I got up, go to work, came home, and just never took time to appreciate all the little things. Once I got separated, I had time by myself versus time with the kids. I was more engaged in spending quality time with the children.

Kristina: My audience knows I'm a single mom of four kids. I have met plenty of single dads, and I hear that message from other single dads too.  Once they got divorced, they became better fathers because they appreciated time with their kids so much more. Time with the children was not for granted anymore. It's really great that something good can come out of something that's not so great.

Aaron: Yeah, I think there are two sides to what you just said. It's intentional from the dad to the child. But the flip side is also intentional from the child to the dad, where there's an opportunity for the children to communicate with me. When I went through that, I had one child who didn't want to talk about anything. We would just write letters back and forth, and that was our way of communicating.  There was another child who would just pull me aside, and we would sit in a room and talk to each other about how we were feeling and what was going on.

I found it was therapeutic to me to be open and honest with my daughters. It was good to be vulnerable and tell them that I was feeling sad and why. I also wanted to tell them how important they are to me in my life. I don't know if I did it right or wrong. I did the best I could. I think that's what we all need to remember as parents. We're doing the best we can off the information we have today. And so I think it's important as a parent to give yourself a break when you need a break. It's so easy to beat yourself up. There are so many things you're doing right and not giving yourself credit.  You're doing way more right than what you think you're doing wrong.

Kristina: It's never too late to change and apologize to your kids. Tell them, "I didn't know. I'm going to do better from here, moving forward." I think this brings a lot of integrity to you, and it is such great role modeling for your children.

Did anything change about your parenting style after you got a divorce?

Aaron: I think it leveled the playing field. I felt like we became closer with our communication. I feel like we have more meaningful conversations now. It's weird, but the divorce has brought us closer together as a family.

Kristina: Sometimes, it takes a while for kids to accept their parents' separation. Kids can become very bitter and very mean to parents while going through pain in their hearts. I don't know if you experienced that with any of your daughters, but can you speak to any of them?

Aaron: It is a challenge. It is really important to stay on the same page as the ex in regards to the kids.  Your new goal is to raise the best kids possible and put them ahead of your own needs. We can deal with our differences separately.  I also want my girls to know that I talk about their mother with respect. Now the challenge is sometimes, as parents, we get weak. We have emotional breakdowns, and we may say stuff about the person we were once with that we probably shouldn't say.  Sometimes the kids can see our flaws that might have been covered up before in the marriage. Sometimes divorce makes our flaws more obvious.

Kristina: My best piece of advice for any parent going through a divorce is: Under all circumstances, no matter how bad things get, try your very hardest NOT to say negative things about the other parent.  Kids love their parents. That person you're talking about is their mom or dad, and your child loves that person.  It doesn't matter how much at fault they might be or all the bad things they may have done. Kids love their parents. Even kids that are neglected and abused still love their parents. Every time the other parent speaks badly toward somebody that the child loves, it makes things very confusing for the child. Talking badly about the other parent makes the divorce more heart aching for the child.

Saying, "Don't talk bad about the other person," sounds easy, but it is not. You are human too, and you got a lot of feelings going through your body. It's easy to say bad things about the other spouse because we are in so much emotional pain.  Sometimes it just slips out. So, my second piece of advice is to give yourself some grace when you mess up and say something bad. After you make a mistake, go back to your child and say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," and you admit your fault. Then tell your child why you said it, "I am hurt right now. I am going through a lot too. And it is through my emotions I said something I shouldn't have said. I'm so sorry I said it." Admitting your faults can be really helpful for your child.

Have you had to deal with your spouse remarrying or introducing your girl to a new woman?

Aaron: I have remarried. She has not.

Kristina: New love interests bring up a whole different dynamic to your family and the divorce.  Do you have tips for a parent that has remarried or fallen in love again?

Aaron:  It's challenging because nobody can replace the spouse. Regardless of how much you love this new person, they can't replace your ex. I think it's important to be open, honest, and communicate with the new person you are trying to integrate into the family.  Be transparent.  But yeah, there's no playbook on how to do this. One of the things that I tried to do was just one-on-one time with the new love interest.  Really get to know them before you introduce them to the children.  It's not easy.

Kristina: How did your daughters accept or not accept your new spouse when they were being introduced?

Aaron: They had a million questions. It was funny. I can still picture the day they met. They took her daughter one direction and took her in a different direction. They had so many interesting questions. They knew that this person's important enough for dad to bring around. They wanted to talk to her and ask ALL the questions. They also knew she must be pretty special.

Before the introductions, though, you have to talk to the new love interest about their expectations too.  If they come in and say, "I'm your new mom. I'm in charge," that's not going to go over well. My wife is not trying to replace their mother.  She plays more of a "friend" role. She and the girls have fun together. They do many fun things together, versus her sitting there telling them what to do. Those things you have to talk about upfront. As your new spouse, what's your approach, and how are we going to work together? There's a lot to talk about to hopefully have the best outcome possible.

Kristina: That's exactly it. I'm going to reiterate what you said.

• Talk to the person that you're trying to bring into your family,
• Get their viewpoint on where they want to stand inside your family dynamic.
• Have open communication.

Aaron:  Ask your new girlfriend/boyfriend, "What was it like growing up for you?" "What was your childhood like?" This is important because our default is how we were raised.  People will fall back on what they learned as a child.

Kristina:  Yes, exactly. And you really want to ask the children what they expect from the new spouse?  What kind of relationship do they want?  I think a mistake that many parents make is saying, "Hey, I love this new person. They're going to come in and join our family now," and that's it.  No conversation.

My kids don't want another parent. They don't like it when someone comes into the home and tries to act like a mom or a dad. They're very open to somebody coming in and taking care of their parents. My kids want their parents to have a partner. They're not opposed to that. They are opposed to someone coming in and trying to replace the other parent or coming in and trying to tell them what to do. This is just another reason to have a good conversation with your new love and say, "Look, this is where my kids are coming from, and I want them to accept you and like you. And because I don't want you to mess up this relationship, let's talk about my kid's feelings and what they expect." Having that conversation can be powerful. Unfortunately, many parents skill this step altogether.  We get so excited we found somebody else to love and love us that all sensibility goes out the window. You're just so happy to be back in love again.  BUT, if you're listening to this right now, let's learn from other people's mistakes and do it right!

Aaron: You nailed it. That was fantastic. I should be taking notes. Treat your relationship with your children like the relationship with your significant other. You have to check-in and have date nights. Especially when you're introducing somebody new, you have to have a lot of check-ins. There's got to be a lot of conversation.

Kristina: Do you have any regrets about your divorce?

Aaron: I can honestly say I don't.

Kristina: That's good.

Aaron:  I feel like I personally did everything humanly possible to prevent the divorce from happening. And that would be my piece of advice for people. When you think you've done everything you can in your marriage, go back and try again. Go back and try something different.  Divorce should be a last resort.  My parents have been married for over 50 years. I didn't want to go down this path, but I did. I live with that. But it's nice to know I can look in the mirror and say, I feel like I personally tried everything to make this work. I don't have any regrets. I wish it didn't happen for the children, but it did.

Hopefully, you can work things out with your spouse.  Really try and find the route cause to the problems and stop playing the blame game. Unfortunately, usually, one person doesn't want to work on things and only wants to make you feel as bad as they do. 

Kristina: It's very unfortunate, but it is common to get stuck in the cycle of hurting each other. 

Do you have any suggestions for how you would talk to your kids about the divorce?

Aaron: That was a tough, tough conversation. I think a lot of it depends on the age of your children. My youngest had questions right away, but they were things like, what are we going to do for Christmas? What are we going to do for Easter?

Also, consider that your children may not even know that your marriage is on the rocks.  Most parents will hide, to some degree, how bad things are getting in the relationship. Your kids may be caught off guard. There's usually a significant emotional gap between the parents and the kids. You have to be patient and let your kids process the situation. Show up with open ears to listen.

Kristina: I think it's important that you acknowledge some kids will be relieved that their parents are getting a divorce because they're in a very toxic environment. Some kids are on the other side of the spectrum and hearing all the pain, yelling, and disagreement. Then, there's the flip side. The parents that are very amicable in front of their children, and then the divorce becomes a huge surprise. I'm not saying show your kids there's a problem. I'm saying, don't forget to consider the child's perspective. Give your child space and the grace to process what they're going through. Remember, your child might be blindsided because you hid the "bad" so well.

Aaron:  And something I just like to touch on is, How you saw your parents argue growing up is usually your default way to deal with your own anger. If one of your parents gave the silent treatment, that might be your default response when you have an argument. It is also how your kids might react to the news of the divorce.  If you give the silent treatment when you're angry, don't be surprised when your kids do the same to you. 

This is also a conversation to have with your new love interest.  How do you deal with stress? How do you deal with arguments or disagreements?  What will be the rules of engagement, and how will we communicate with each other?

Kristina: Rules of engagement! I love that term. How are we going to talk to each other? It is a great conversation to have with your children, your ex, and your new spouse.  These conversations aren't easy, but they will help in the long run.  How do you initiate these conversations?

Aaron: One of the things that work well for me is, we'll go for a walk, where we're side by side versus face to face. I find that it relaxes us both, and we can have a more open dialogue. I used to joke about people that sit side by side at a restaurant. I never understood why people sat side by side. Well, it turns out you can have difficult conversations sitting beside each other!  

As parents, it's easy to want to give advice on everything when we're talking to our kids. I would encourage you to say, "Tell me more," instead.

Kristina: I find that the side-by-side conversation is a lot more effective and impactful than the front-to-front conversation, especially with teenagers. Remember that it is a lot more intimidating when you're facing someone than side-by-side.  A side-by-side conversation also leads to touching. If your child's love language is physical touch, being able to hold their hand or put your hand on their shoulder or give them a little side hug works best side by side.

If anybody out there resonates with you and wants to know more about what you do and how you can help them, how could they get ahold of you?

Aaron:  I started a coaching business in 2020 to help other adult parent coach business owners. You can reach me at purposeandwisdomcoaches.com

Kristina: Thank you for talking with me today. I really appreciate your perspective and expertise.

Parents, if you have an inspiring story that you want to share on The Impactful Parent, please go to the Impactful Parent's website. https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me  We want to learn from you.

But until next time, you got this, parents.  We are just here to help.

077: 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How do I keep my teenage daughter safe now that she is independent?  Answer: 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

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Transcript for  8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe:

Today we will talk about children’s physical safety.  Don’t miss this Q and A Live video.  I will be giving you 8 Must-Have-Lessons you need to do with your child today, whether you have an 8-year-old or an 18-year-old- it doesn’t matter.

Hi, My name is Kristina, founder of The Impactful Parent, and I come here every Thursday to answer one of your questions LIVE.  If you have a question for me next week, you can directly message me on social media or email me at theimpactfulparent@gmail.com.  All submissions are kept anonymous.

Okay, let’s talk about our question today: How Do I Keep My Teenage Girl Safe now that she is an independent young person doing her own things?

I know that letting your teen become more independent is scary.  The best way to combat your fears and keep your child safe is to teach them how to stay safe.  Today I will give you my 8 MOST IMPORTANT SAFETY LESSONS YOU NEED TO TEACH YOUR CHILD.  And yes- teach them these 8 lessons at ANY age.   You should practice and talk about these safety tips at least once a year, like a fire drill.  Repeating this conversation once a year is super impactful!  It will allow your child to grow with the lesson, understand it in new ways. As they grow, the lessons become ingrained in their brain. The more the lessons are revisited, your chances increase that your child will do the right thing if presented in a situation where they need to call on their skills.

Lesson 1: Teach your child to be aware of their surroundings.  Now, more than ever, kids are distracted from the world because they stare at a screen.  Parents will teach their children to put down the phone when they drive, but many forget to teach their children to put down the phone when they walk.   Walking with your head looking down and distracted by a screen makes your child an easy target for profiling, mugging, kidnapping, and other offenses.  Teach your child to walk with their head up. Walk with confidence and direction.  When you walk with purpose and aware of your surroundings, you minimize your appeal to be threatened.   Plus, don’t just talk about walking with purpose and the phone put away, but also have your child physically practice it.   Muscle memory is sometimes what people have to rely on when in a tense and unfamiliar situation.  Creating all the lessons today into muscle memory by repeatedly acting out scenarios is, hands down, the most effective way to teach your child these lessons. They will remember them and use them in times of need.

I make Lesson 1 a game with my kids.  I may go to the park and have them close their eyes and tell me what is around them?  What do they remember seeing?   Practice being observant of your surroundings.

Lesson 2: Teach your child to move out of reach. I highly suggest putting your children into some sort of martial art or self-defense classes if possible.  However, if you can’t enroll your child in that kind of extracurricular activity, at the very least, teach your child HOW to move out of reach of someone trying to grab them.  Whether you roleplay an aggressive boyfriend/girlfriend, a stranger is trying to give your kids candy, or just play that good old “Try-and-slap-my-hands-on-top-of-your-hands” game, teach your child HOW to move away from people with intention.  Teach them how to step back also.  Have them use more than just their upper body to shy away.  Teach your child how to step away and run too.

Lesson 3: Staying out of reach.  Just like lesson 2, kids need to practice staying out of reach.  Teach your child how to keep moving with intentionality and confidence.  Roleplay being a kidnapper. Or, for older children, roleplay a pushy boyfriend/girlfriend that won’t take no for an answer.  Either way, practice CONTINUOUSLY moving away.  This brings me to lesson 4.

Lesson 4 is: Teach your child to say NO, and STOP. Have your child practice holding their ground.  Have them practice saying no and moving away. Teach your child how to remove someone’s hand off their body and step away.  Lesson 4 is more than just learning how to say NO and STOP; but it also includes teaching your child the body language they need to accompany those words.  No one will listen to your child if they only learn how to say no weakly.  Kids need to practice standing tall, standing confident, saying no with conviction, and make eye contact with their perpetrators.

Lesson 5: Teach your child how to set boundaries for their physical and mental wellbeing.  Teach your child that boundaries are important.  We can’t be happy when we spread ourselves too thin, are trying to please everybody, and are worried about what others will think of us.   With younger kids, practice saying, “Please stop” to peers and adults.  Practice holding boundaries when someone is insisting and won’t take no for an answer.  Teach your child how to turn down invitations politely and with assertion. For older kids, practice saying, “Stop or I’ll leave.”  From an early age, praise your child for setting boundaries on their physical space and with their mental wellbeing.

Lesson 6: Teach your child to always announce where they are AND get permission before they change their plan about going anywhere with anyone.  Even when my children were little and left the room, I had them get in the habit of always telling me where they were.  Yes, it is a little weird to announce if you are leaving the room to go to the bathroom, but in my household- that is what we do because we always tell someone where we are.  As a young children, I made it a habit to announce their whereabouts that as my teenagers grew, it felt weird to them to hide their plans from me.  Even if you have an older child, teach them to announce where they are and always check in before changing their plans.

Lesson 7: Teach your child to always have a Plan B.  For young children, this is going to be a discussion with you, the parent.  What will you do if you get lost? What will you do if you’re waiting for me?  What will you do if you don’t make the team?  Teaching your child to have a Plan B is reassuring to the child and creates security.  It shows them that things won’t always work out the way we wanted, but that’s okay because they have a plan B.  I find that children who have a plan B are more confident and less traumatized when things don’t go as planned.  For teenagers, Plan B is even more important.  Teach your child to have a Plan B every time they go to a party. Every time they feel peer pressure, and always create a safe way “out” when they find they are in a bad situation.

Lesson 8:  Teach your child to fight, scream, kick, and go crazy if someone is threatening them.  This is a big one.  Most kids get suppressed by adults who are up to no good because the adult says that they will “Tell on them” or “Hurt their family.”  Kids will suppress other kids because they make threats like, “If you don’t do what I want, then next time is going to be worse.”  It doesn’t really matter what kind of threat your child may receive; they need to know that the right course of action is to make a commotion and tell a trusted adult.  Do NOT hide and give the perpetrator more power.  It is scary for any child to be threatened, but the threats are worse when your child doesn’t know what to do and feels helpless to help themselves.  Teach your child to take back their power by making a commotion.

027: Overprotective Parenting

Overprotective Parenting

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Transcript:

What do you want more than anything else in the world for your child?

To be happy, right?!  Is that what you said in your brain.  If it is, you apart of the majority of parents out there.  I am here to tell you that although this is natural- it also could be a problem!

Why?  Because a lot of us take this “wish” for our kids to extremes and the result is:             Enabling, Hover parents, and anxiety and stress in our kids AND for ourselves!

I am picked this topic this week because we are approaching the holiday season and this season is especially ridiculed with “expectations and the need to be happy”.  So although it is natural to want happiness for your child, you need to step back and consider the consequences. 

Let’s break this down a little further.  What do we really mean when we say “we want our kids happy?”  Well, for most of us- this means we don’t want our kids to experience pain.    As a parent, you can step in and help your child avoid physical pain, however, you can not protect them from emotional pain- nor should you want to!  Life is full of emotional pain.  It is how we live.  Having emotional pain and sadness teaches us to be grateful for happiness.  If you are trying to prevent your child from experiencing emotional pain, then you are also robbing them of living and learning from it. 

One of my favorite examples of this is from Walt Disney’s Nemo.  Dory is so wise in the movie when she is talking about Nemo to Marlen.  Marlen is Nemo’s dad and a classic hover parent.  She says to him,

“You can’t ever let anything happen to him.  Then nothing would ever happen to him!”

You have to let your child experience life and part of that experience is emotional pain.  When you think of it that way, you realize that protecting kids from pain is unrealistic.  In fact, it is doing them a disservice!   The best lessons in life are learned through pain.  I am sure that you have had a painful experience in your life and when you recovered from it, you were wiser and better for it.   Maybe it was a heartache, maybe you got caught doing something… whatever it was- it was the EXPERIENCE that made you LEARN and then you grew from that experience.   As a teacher, I can tell you with all certainty that we don’t learn best from books or theory- we learn from experience. 

 

So is it unrealistic to hope for no pain for our children or to shelter them too much?   I am not saying that you let them do whatever they want- yes, boundaries are important, but there is a balance between protecting them and letting them live and make their own choices. 

 

Furthermore, IF it is unrealistic to expect no pain in their lives then we, as parents, are setting OURSELVES up for disappointment and heartache when we try to overprotect them.  This is a parenting expectation that you can’t win.   So let go of this unrealistic expectation.  

I am going to go one step further and suggest that you teach your kids that pain, failure, heartache, and disappointment in their life is absolutely NORMAL.    Some of the depression that exists in our young people today stems from unrealistic expectations of how their life should be.   With social media only glorifying and portraying the “good” moments- our young people are being manipulated to think that their life should be that good. They should look that good, feel that good, be that happy…  If you have signed up for my newsletter, Big Impact,  you got my email about this.  Life isn’t that great.  Lol, Social media influence is stupid and completely fake! 

Dr. Shefali Tsabary suggests that as parents we should teach our kids not to gain any self-worth from external success.  She says our children should not base any part of who they are on the external.  This sounds easy, but it isn’t.   We live in a society that gives a ribbon to everyone who participates because we think the ribbon will teach the kid that they are valued on the team.  We pack our kid's schedules with activity after activity because society has told us that they need to be well-rounded, high achievers, and good at everything.  How stressful for our young people!  This artificially induced pressure is ridiculous!  Stop making your kids feel overburdened!  It’s ok. 

So what can you do about this?  Here are your Impactful Parent tips:

1. Start by sitting down with your kids and asking them, - how do you really feel about ________ Football, flute lessons, whatever the activities are. Did they pick those activities or did you pick those activities for them? Ask them,  If you could quit that activity and try something new, would you?  What would you try?   LISTEN to your kids.  Sometimes we project our likes and desires on our kids (which is a whole different topic for another day) but be aware of the question, “Is my kid doing this because they want to or because they feel like it is expected of them?” 
2. When they are having emotional pain, here are your dos and don’ts

Don’t:  Don’t ask what happened… yet.

Do:  Instead, start with empathy.  Say something like,  I see you are upset.  I am just going to sit right here and be with you for a bit.  If you want to talk about why you’re upset, I am here to listen.  Then just sit and be there.  Listen.  Validate their feelings.

Don’t:  Don’t say ‘You SHOULD have done this…”  You should have done that… This turns kids off- especially teenagers.  You can process better choices later AFTER they have had time to process their feelings.  Give them one thing to focus on at a time.  They don’t want your advice at that moment.  They want someone to hear them!

Do: Stay calm- no matter WHY they are upset.

Don’t: Don’t get upset yourself and make judgments about the situation.  This is really bad.  If you start saying stuff like, “I knew that friend was horrible” or getting emotionally charged yourself, they won’t be able to calm down AND you will be digging yourself a hole when they will be friends again with that person next week. 

Much like when your child was a toddler and they fell- if you react like “OH NO…. and scream- then they will scream.  But if you are calm, then they learn to fall and remain calm.   Even teenagers are looking to you for guidance on how they should be controlling their emotions. 

Well, thank you for joining me today.   I hope my message was impactful to a few of you out there that may be needed to hear that message.  You are an impactful parent. Parenting is hard and you got this! 

075: Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent

Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent

Here are the links from today’s episode: 

KudoBanz (positive reinforcement AR bracelets) https://kudobanz.com/

Play Attention (clinically tested ADHD software) https://www.playattention.com/

Sphero https://sphero.com/products/mini-kit

Pixicade (formerly Doodlematic, turn drawings into video games) https://www.tinkdigital.com/

T9 (programmable transforming robot) https://robosen.com/shop/product/t9-1

Gabb Wireless (great 1st phone for kids) https://gabbwireless.com/

Amazon Kindle Kids Edition (curated e-reader) https://www.amazon.com/All-new-Kindle-Kids-Edition-includes-access-to-thousands-of-books/dp/B07NMY72SC

AirFort (quickly inflating silk igloo) https://www.airfort.com/

SpotMyUV https://spotmyuv.com/

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Transcript for Technology That Will Make You A Better Parent : 

Kristina: Welcome impactful parents! Today we are going to talk about gadgets and technology that can help us be better parents and help our children learn and grow. I have a special guest Scott Tharler, who is a gadget expert.  Scott has over 20 years of technology, journalist experience where he has been publicized in several different tech magazines. He is a father of two girls and one boy who launched his new program called The Family CTO. The Family CTO is a new kind of gadget website that enhances your digital lifestyle with fun and practical things.  Thank you for being here, Scott!

Scott: Kristina, thanks for having me.

Kristina:  How can gadgets help parents and really make an impact on parenting?

Scott:  Well, some gadgets will directly help you be a better parent.  The first is called Kudo Bands. Kudo Bands are cute little bracelets that children wear as a reward system tracker. It is all about positive reinforcement.  You start by asking your child what behaviors they believe they should be rewarded for. Sharing a toy? Helping out? Chores?  Whatever it is, you program the bracelet for those activities. Each time they do tasks that should be rewarded, the children receive a little trinket. The trinket fits right onto the bracelet. When children get three trinkets, they unlock something. The third trinket is a special thing that uses augmented reality to reward your child.  That means when I hold up my phone with the app over the bracelet, a magical animated thing happens that says congratulations, you just unlock something. Then children get to spin a prize wheel to see what they won. The secret is, the children already picked what they wanted for prize options when parents programmed the bracelet. I like prizes like going out for ice cream, a movie, a special daddy-daughter date, etc. Whatever it is, they get to choose what that thing is! This bracelet gets kids invested in the reward system right-away!  I find it works best for ages 4-8.

Kristina: Oh yes! I could see these bracelets even working for my 10-year-old.   He loves positive reinforcement and thrives off it.  What else do you have for us?

Scott: I recently heard about one that is called Play Attention.  It is for ADHD. It's a software program that helps kids focus. It uses clinically proven Neurofeedback to encourage kids to stay focused. It is such an interesting concept that you can train your brain to focus without popping a pill. I thought that was sort of a fun, proactive way to use technology.

Kristina: What are some of the things you have behind you?

Scott: I have got some fun things behind me, actually. This one is called Spiro. Spiro creates robotic spheres that you control with your phone, and the ball goes all over the place. They are the company that helped do the technology for BB8 in the Star Wars movies. The child sets up obstacle courses and programs the ball/sphere to maneuver the course. It is just fun to see a little ball go around and around.

This one is called Doodlematic. It is amazing. Kids draw with real markers on real paper, and then take their drawings and turn them into a video game! It's NOT just- they draw a picture, and then boom, the things do some weird animation. Doodlematic is a kit that takes you through directions on how a video game works. Your child needs a main character, and the characters need to be trying to do something. There also needs to be something trying to keep them from doing that thing. And so, it really helps kids develop their storytelling skills and creativity.  The end product is their very own video game.

Probably the showstopper is this guy. This is a robot from a company called Robo Sen. His name is T-9. He is a transforming robot. But that isn't all!  You can also program T-9 to do things. There are about 10 different commands you can give it. T-9 will start dancing around, shoot guns, and doing all sorts of really fun stuff. But what is cool about it is, your kids will learn to code through this product.  Kids can literally program him to do push-ups or a dance routine, whatever they want him to do!  This is the kind of toy that grows with your child.

Kristina: So many great gadgets! This is amazing.

Scott:  The next gadget is a phone called Gab Wireless.  It is a phone, stripped-down, and only has 14 apps. It does not do streaming. You cannot load more apps onto it. It does not do email. It doesn't do the internet. It only does what a kid's phone needs to do: call, text, take pictures, and record audio-video. That is it. There is a calendar on the phone, so you can put in chores and things like that. Still, essentially, it's just a simple phone. You do not even need parental controls because there's nothing else that a kid can do with it. Another great feature of this phone is its GPS feature.  You can see exactly where your child and the phone are located.  I love it because it makes me feel connected to my kids. I have peace of mind, and I know that they can do what they need to do, and they are not going to be addicted to their screen.

Kristina: That's a great one. I can see myself using it for a young child or even a teenager that has lost Smart-Phone privileges.

Scott: It should be a child's first phone. Because you do not just hand a kid a motorcycle and tell them to ride it. First, you give them a tricycle, then a bicycle and children work their way up. Why would you hand a child an iPhone?  It does not matter if it's an old iPhone. It's still connected to the great big world.

Many people get turned off by technology because they think gadget equals screen, equals turn off your brain. I like gadgets that don't have a screen. I have one here.  Here is my favorite thing that has no screen. It is called Air Fort. It is a silk igloo that inflates in seconds.  Now your child can build a fort in the house without all the mess! Clean up and set up are so fast and easy.

Kristina:  Forts and gadgets are fantastic for rainy days and snow days. Parents need resources they can count on for entertaining their kids productively when we cannot be there.   

Scott: Here is a cool technology for parents! It is called Spot-My-UV. It is basically a sun protection thing.  Spot-My-UV is a dot that you put on your shoulder when you plan to be in the sun for a while.   You put sunscreen on the dot and on yourself. The dot is made from a material that acts just like your skin. Parents apply sunscreen to their child and the dot, and later, when the dot dries out, it turns purple. Now you know when it is time to reapply sunscreen. No more guessing or watching the clock!

Kristina: These gadgets can make us better parents.  Scott, if anybody wanted to get ahold of you for more gadget stuff, how would they do that?

Scott: Well, I have a podcast, or you can reach out to me directly. It is Scott@thefamilyCTO.com

Kristina: Thank you so much for being here today, Scott. You have much to offer.

But until next time, you got this, parents. We are just here to help.