Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

083: How To Tell Bad News To Your Child

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How To Tell Your Child Bad News?

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for How To Tell Your Child Bad News :

A step-by-step guide for breaking bad news to your child.

Step 1: Try and find a good environment.  

• If possible, find a time that your child is not distracted.
• Find a private place.
• You’ll need to prepare yourself for spending some time with your child so try not to tell your child bad news when you don’t have the time to sit and process the information with them.

Step 2:  Get your own feelings under control. You want to be your child’s anchor and support for the bad news.  If your own emotions are radical, then you won’t be much help to your child. This is not to say that you don’t show emotions.  It is good for your child to see your feelings, but you want to role model self-control even if you’re very sad yourself.

Step 3: Tell them the news directly.   Don’t walk your way around the words or try and sugarcoat the situation.  You want to break the news in the simplest and most direct form you can.  For example, I have some sad news to tell you.  Archie died this morning.

Step 4: Pause and let your child process the news.  Validate their feelings if they are sad, mad, confused, or whatever emotion they might be feeling. Tell them that their feelings are normal.  Give your child a hug and simply listen to what your child might want to say.  Empathize with your child as much as you can!  It’s ok to say things like, I feel sad too.  Being transparent with your own feelings is good; you just want to control those feelings.

Step 5: Prepare yourself for questions.  I suggest waiting until your child has questions before telling them the details.  I might tell them, “I am here to answer any questions you might have when you are ready.”  Then be prepared to share the details at an age-appropriate level.  Make your language as simple as possible because their emotions will likely be running high. The brain doesn’t process information as well in that state of being.  Lastly, be prepared to repeat yourself again later. Sometimes hearing the news once just isn’t enough when a child is trying to understand the situation. Their brains aren’t working at full capacity because of all the emotions.  Be patient with your child, and expect to repeat yourself now and later.

Step 6: Pause again and let your child process the information.   The bad news is often complicated.  I recommend you tell your child the details in segments.  This allows your child to absorb the information in chunks and gives them opportunities to process feelings and ask questions.   Although giving your child all the information at once might be your first instinct, try to reframe from this.  Your mind and emotions will likely want to just get the information out and over with. Still, I don’t recommend you dump a load of information on your child. Instead, break it out into chunks and take your time.

Step 7: Once all the information is out, your child might feel overwhelmed.  I suggest giving your child a small mindless task to do.  This helps your child move forward and constructively process their feelings.  You might ask your child to draw you a picture, make sandwiches, do a simple craft, or help you with laundry.  Whatever it is, make sure that the task is mindless, simple, no-pressure, and has your child using their hands or body.   While your child is doing their simple task, stay close by if they have more questions or just need company.

Step 8: Give your child a plan. Now that the bad news is out in the open and your child has had a little bit of time to process what is happening, it is now time to help your child understand what comes next.  Have a discussion about the next steps. For example, suppose there was a death in the family. In that case, you want to talk about how in the next few days there will be a lot of family around, how they will likely miss school because of the funeral, and discuss how your child can help others that are grieving.

You can also give your child a plan for helping them process their emotions.  Maybe you talk about writing in a journal or creating art that expresses their feelings.

Giving your child a plan for the immediate future can feel comforting in a time of chaos.

Step 9: Lead by example.  In my opinion, this is the most important step of all the steps because your child will watch how you handle stress, sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment, and their instinct will be to emulate your behaviors.  Model healthy coping behaviors. Model self-care.

Step 10: Tell others your child might need support.  Remember that the first few days of bad news will be the most challenging; however, this is not the case for every child.  Some kids will refuse to process their emotions right away and wait until the next day or even the next week to start asking questions.   That’s ok.  Be patient.  However, either way, it is important to tell other adults around your child that your child may need extra support.  For example, I would tell teachers, babysitters, and others in the household.   Your child may process their feelings by acting out, getting aggressive, hiding, lying, eating more, eating less, … the list goes on. Still, any behavior out of the normal should be noted.  Teachers and babysitters will have much more grace and patience with your child if they know that your child is processing feelings.  Otherwise, your child might get in trouble at school, and teachers won’t have the empathy to help your child if they don’t know the situation.

030: Suicide Prevention

Suicide Prevention

This blog addresses warning signs and action steps.

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Amazing video message FROM TEENS: https://youtu.be/Fou0IEjual0

and this video too!  Please watch! https://youtu.be/0Fb1ArQoyQc

Transcript:

This week I am going to address your worst nightmare.  Teen suicide.  I know you want to brush this topic under the rug and pretend that it isn’t going to happen to your child, but suicide is the third leading cause of death for our young people.  LGBTQ teens are the most at risk, but any person that feels bullied, had trauma, feels social isolation, or has depression is at risk.  

Consider, suicide prevention is a community effort!  Even if your child isn’t experiencing signs of suicide, they likely know someone who is.  Mark Lanning, from Safe 2 Tell, says that most school shootings and teenage tragedies can be prevented if the people around them reported the warning signs! 

Reporting the warning signs is your job.  As parents, we also need to empower our children with the confidence to report warning signs they see in their friends. Let’s get real.  Your child is more likely to witness the warning signs in their friends before their parents will.  Click here and watch this 30-second video.  A message to teens from teens.

Action steps:

1. Talk to your child about the importance of speaking up if they are concerned about a friend.
2. Give your child the phone numbers to specific hotlines where they can receive help. Organizations like: Safe 2 Tell and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. I suggest you even program these phone numbers on their phone!
3. Know the signs. 4 out of 5 suicide deaths are preceded by warning signs!

Warning signs:

• Suicidal threats or talk of not wanting to be alive anymore
• Preoccupation or obsession with death
• Depression
• Use of drugs or alcohol
• Withdrawing from activities they once were interested in
• Sleeping too much
• Sleeping too little
• Giving away possessions
• Aggression
• Fatigue
• Anxiety
• Bad or worsening grades
• Difficulty concentrating

What if MY Child has these signs?

Suicide typically does not come out of no-where.  If your child is thinking of suicide, they may be feeling helpless, trapped, unbearable pain, and/or believe that no one cares.  You need to ask your child directly, “Are you thinking of suicide?”  This is extremely important.  Don’t walk around the subject or be afraid to speak to your child.  Talking about suicide does NOT implant the idea in their mind!  Get to the root cause of their hopeless feelings.

What Can Parents Do?  Aside from anti-depressant drugs and mental health professionals, parents can do the following:

• Talk to your teen. Ask them point-blank if they are suicidal
• Make it more difficult for them to carry any action out. Buy a lockbox on Amazon to put knives, sharp objects, medicines, firearms, or any other dangerous materials inside.
• Make sure your child has emergency hotline numbers available to them. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1800-273-8255
• Talk to their friends. Encourage their friends to help your child and look for warning signs too. This should include a call to the friend’s parents also. (I don’t suggest talking to minors without the  parent’s permission.)
• Take them to a hospital emergency room if the threat is imminent. The emergency room professionals will do an evaluation of your child and access the risk.  After the assessment, they can refer you to clinics where your child can get admitted and receive 24/7 watch care and counseling. 
• Talk to the school. The school can give you feedback on the behaviors they are seeing.  School counselors can talk to your child about getting help.  Although the school’s support is limited, they are still a resource for you to have feedback on your child’s behaviors and more watchful eyes.

 

081: Lessons From Being Bullied.

Lessons From Being Bullied. An interview with Chris Burcher talks about the lasting effects of bullying and how to overcome it.

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Lessons From Being Bullied:

Kristina: Welcome parents to The Impactful Parent's, Inspire and Learn series where real parents come on and tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. So today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, his name is Chris Bircher. Chris will tell us his personal story of being bullied and what he learned from the experience, plus he will give parents tips for supporting their own bullied children.

Chris: Thank you for having me. It's my pleasure.

Kristina: I want to hear your story. What's your experience with bullying?

Chris:  I was bullied a lot as a kid. I was a small kid. I was a scrawny kid. Do you remember the feed the world programs with Suzanne Somers? Apparently, I looked like those little Ethiopian kids, and my friends actually called me Ethio. That made me an easy target. And I was a sensitive kid and a shy kid. On the playground, I'm the kid the bullies would go after.  I had weird nicknames. I dressed funny.  I used to like California fashion, and I was in Georgia. That didn't go well. I was always a little different. I was naive. I was constantly ridiculed and called names. The bullying ended eventually when I went through a growth spurt and got taller as a teen, but the scars were already there. I felt like something was wrong with me. I thought something about me attracted this because I was a bad person or something. I carried that with me through adulthood, so it's important for me to share about it today and hopefully help others.

Kristina: Speak to me a little more about the long-term effects of the bullying you've experienced. What were the lessons from being bullied?

Chris:  Well, the big one is shame. It was shameful to be bullied.  When I was growing up, being a bully was even rewarded.  It was masculine to bully.  Now, we understand the damage that can be done by being mean to others.  Too late for me, though.  I carry my damage around with me.  For a long time, I felt like I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve things that other people had, for some reason. I was less and an outcast.  Those thoughts from being bullied became part of me.  Now, I've learned how to leverage those feelings into uniqueness.  I am curious and creative. Being a shy person makes me a sensitive person and makes me very empathetic.  If you called somebody empathetic in 1975, it was probably an insult, but today it's an attractive quality.  My wife is attracted to me, in part because I'm an empathetic person. Today, I love myself because of the qualities that made me a target. I've been in therapy for 10 years to undo the damage.

Kristina: Did you ever try to stand up for yourself?

Chris:  No, that's a great question because I think about this all the time. If I had a son, I would tell him to stand up for himself because I wonder what if I had just fought back? I thought of fighting back when I was young, but I never did.  Instead, I decided I was going to be a pacifist. Gandhi was in the news, and so I knew what a pacifist was.  I found a model, but I always wondered, What if I would have fought back? How might that have changed my life? Another part of the baggage I carry is weak boundaries. I'm codependent. But I wonder if standing up for myself would have made me a different man today.

Kristina: It's interesting that you, as an adult self, can go back and look at that young self and see where some of these adult traits came from. You can identify that you have weak boundaries. You have had a lot of personal growth and insightfulness due to your experiences. I'm glad you're learning from them and grow from them.

Chris:  Yes, I would encourage every child to get help from an adult they trust as soon as possible.  Reach out to someone and tell them what is happening.  Although I have turned my experiences into good, I would encourage kids to get help ASAP and not wait until adulthood to deal with the problem.

Kristina: What would you say to the child who is getting bullied today and asking YOU for help?

Chris:  That's an excellent question, and I've thought about it a lot. Well, the first thing I would tell a child is that this is NOT about you. This is about the bully. This bully is someone who does this because they're hurt. They're hurting inside, and they're not able to connect with their emotions. They're not emotionally healthy. They're taking this out on you.  

Now let's talk about you. You're getting picked on because you have all of those characteristics, personality traits, and mental health that the bully doesn't have.  The bully sees something in you that they want, and they can't have it, or they don't understand it. The bully is jealous of you, and so they're taking this out on you. Now, what you have is the ability to navigate this. You will heal from this experience.  You will grow up to be a better person because of it.  You might not know it, but you have the skills to incorporate this into your life as something positive. It feels really bad right now, but you can turn this into something that will benefit you throughout the rest of your life. Also, consider that the bully probably comes from a bad home life. Think about what it's like for this person at home and develop empathy for them.  Think about what it must be like to come home to your parents fighting every day or to no food in the house or not have a ride to school or people who beat you or parents who don't love you. Now compare that life to how you feel. I know it feels bad, but your bully is likely going through something worse.

Kristina: I love the empathy that you're trying to instill into the child. You're absolutely right. A majority of bullies are actually in a lot of pain themselves. They try to gain control in an area because they don't feel like they have control elsewhere. Bullies typically feel chaotic and out of control somewhere in their life that is important to them. To compensate for these feelings, the bully will find a way to control a different aspect of their life.  Unfortunately, it comes out in being a bully.

Kristina: If somebody resonates with your story and wants to contact you, how would they get ahold of you?

Chris: I have a podcast where I talk about a lot of different issues.  Check that out, and you can find information on the podcast and how to reach me at www.chrisburcher.com

Kristina: Thank you so much for being here. You have a lot that you can contribute!  I hope everyone enjoyed this episode of Lessons From Being Bullied.

080: How To Get Your Child To Listen So You Can Stop Nagging

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for How to get your teenager to LISTEN so you can stop nagging! :

How to get your teen to LISTEN so you can stop nagging!

This week's question is:  How do I get my teenager to do the small stuff when doing all the big stuff right?  For example, my son gets good grades in school and is generally a good kid. Still, I am constantly nagging him to pick up his clothes (and picking up his dirty socks from all over the house is just the beginning.)  Please help.

Isn't this a great question this week!  I know I have been there too.  I hate nagging my kids and feeling like I am on their butt all the time. I especially like this question because the parent acknowledges that her son is smart, capable, and generally a good kid; therefore, I sense some guilt in her nagging. She knows that her son makes good choices outside of the home and is mainly getting frustrated that she doesn't see that behavior inside the home with simple tasks.

Today, I will give you 3 tips for stopping the nagging and getting your child to do the small stuff.

Tip number 1: Figure out what your teen loves and use that to your advantage.

Your teenager is inherently selfish.  Not because they are trying to be, necessarily, but because teenagers are actually wired that way.  They don't have all of their brain parts working on full cylinders yet, and mother nature compensates that by making their first instinct to do what is best for them.  What I mean is, your teen is constantly asking themselves, "What is in it for me?" If picking up socks doesn't enhance their own life, they will have little motivation to do it, and this goes for everything else you're probably asking them to do at home.   Your teenager does not regard making your life easier as being something of value to them.

The solution to this problem is making your requests have value and weight.  Unfortunately, this usually comes in the form of withholding what they want to do until you get what you need them to do done.  In other words, start implementing this phrase, "You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do." By repeating this statement repeatedly to your teen and ingraining that phrase into their brain- you will also be teaching them a valuable life lesson. Adulthood is full of "You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do." In fact, if you have a child doing most of life right outside of the home, it is because they already know and have internalized this lesson in the school setting but refuses to accept it at home because you, the parent, probably haven't reinforced it enough.

To reinforce this lesson, you need to:

1. Find out what your child cares about and get motivated to do? Is it going out with friends? Spending time on YouTube or gaming? Going to soccer?
2. You need to sit down with your child and tell them that from this day on, the rules are changing. Tell your child that you are tired of nagging at them.  Tell them that you don't want to be that parent that nags all the time.  Tell them that there are certain responsibilities they need to do around the house as being a part of the family household.  These chores and expectations should be laid out verbally or even in writing.  Tell them exactly what you need from them.  For example, I need you to NEVER leave your socks around the house.  I don't ever want to see one of your dirty socks lying around the living room.   Be very explicit with your directions.  They can't read your mind or your passive-aggressive hints.
3. Once all the expectations are laid out on the table, tell them the consequences of not doing what you asked. For example, every time I find a sock lying around the house, I am going to take 10 minutes off of your electronics time, OR I am going to start making you do your own laundry, OR you will be required to vacuum the living room before I allow you to go to basketball practice.
4. And step for is truly falling through with your consequences.  If you tell your child that he has to vacuum before basketball practice, then take his keys to the car, call the basketball coach, and tell him that your son will be late.  You don't need to excuse him from basketball, but follow through with the consequence.

By ingraining the phrase, "You have to do what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do," you are teaching your child that completing chores equals getting privileges.  You need to be consistent with it and follow through. Lastly, consider that you don't always have to take away stuff to motivate a child.  You can also provide incentives for doing what you want or even use a combination of the two.  Take away privileges if they don't listen and reward them if they do- can be a powerful strategy to make results happen for you quicker.

Tip #2-  Give them a window of time to get your requests done.

Many parents make the mistake of demanding their older children do what they ask right here and right now.  But, if your teen feels like they are being strong-armed into doing your requests' only your way,' or 'on your timetable,' then they won't be motivated to do what you want. Your growing young adult needs some space to do things their way too.  Your child is searching to gain their independence, and your demands can feel belittling to them.  And just as you might feel if your boss didn't give you any leeway to do your job, your teen will begin to resent you if you always demand things on your timetable.  The good news is, this is an easy fix!  Just give your child a time frame for completing the task you want.  For example, please pick up your socks before dinner or please pick up your stuff from the living room within the next 2 hours.

And lastly, Tip #3-  Change your expectations. 

Pick and choose your battles.  You may want to start with just the socks and be consistent with your consequences for the socks first before you try implementing all the little things your child might be annoying you with.  Sometimes it's better to tackle things little by little to see more long-lasting results.  If you try and get your child to shift their way of thinking by implanting 5 new rules, you can get some significant push back.   But the same child might find your one smaller request more manageable to deal with and start complying with less resistance. Then once that new request becomes the new norm, you can start implementing more requests.

029: Meal Prep Tips

Meal Prep Tips with special guest Ahuva M. is more than just your average meal preparation podcast!  Ahuva gives us great tips for getting our kids to eat green foods and making mealtime less stressful!   Listen as meal prep tips are taken to a new level of awesome! 

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

078: Help! My Child is Transgender

Help! My Child Is Transgender with Jack Ori gives lots of tips for how to support your transgender child and what parents can do for themselves also.  This video provides resources, advice, and parent education for any family going through transition and awareness.

This powerful video educates about the struggles of families with a transgender child.  Support is important for everyone in the family.  This video provides links for support, coaching, and parent education.  Topics include parent's most common fears, keys to supporting your child, common challenges for the parents of transgender children, common challenges for trans children, common triggers for trans kids, and MUCH MORE!  This is a must-watch for any family going through the transition of gender dysphoria.

[caption id="attachment_2781" align="alignright" width="300"]Help! My Child Is Transgender[/caption]

For additional support with your trans child, you can reach The Impactful Parent at https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me. 

In addition, Jack Ori can be reached at www.facebook.com/groups/supportnetworkforparentsoftransgenderkids

and

http://www.jackori.com

Video Markers and Topics:

• 0:00​ intro
• 0:58​ Definition of transgender
• 3:39​ Parents first reaction
• 5:29​ Is my child sure? Parent fears.
• 6:44​ Common parent challenges
• 8:00​ Communication skills
• 9:10​ Most common fears
• 11:24​ Parents feeling helpless
• 12:48​ What happens if I don't support it?
• 14:02​ Keys to supporting your child
• 15:48​ Triggers
• 21:35​ What if I can't accept it?
• 23:36​ Parent support
• 26:33​ Contact information and resources
• 29:35​ Final thoughts

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

To make an authentic connection with your child, try one of my FREE 30 Day challenges.   Sign up today and you'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days.  These questions provoke a new conversation with your child and get you away from the boring questions like, "How was your day, and do you have any homework?"  Start connecting with your child one question at a time!  Completely FREE, so NO excuses! Sign up NOW and watch your connection grow with your child in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

079: How Do I Stop The Eye Rolls From My Child?

4 tips parents can use to stop the eye rolls and start connecting better with their child.  These 4 tips will have you talking to your child and connecting better during the rough pre-teen and teenage years.

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was:  My pre-teen and I are starting to butt heads.  It feels like they aren’t listening to me anymore, and my sweet daughter is becoming a diva.  What irritates me the most is how much she seems to ignore my requests.  How can I stop this now before it gets worse?

FREE PDF Questions To Ask Your Child So They Will Learn From Their Mistakes:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions

Submissions for Q&A LIVE can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions are anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

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Transcript for How Do I Stop The Eye Rolls From My Child?:

Today we are going to talk about getting your child to listen to you better!

Today’s question is:  My pre-teen and I are starting to butt heads.  It feels like they aren’t listening to me anymore, and my sweet daughter is becoming a diva.  What irritates me the most is how much she seems to ignore my requests.  How can I stop this now before it gets worse?

Step 1:  Calm yourself down first.  When our kids get us angry or annoyed, we tend to talk down to them in our anger.  This is a bad habit that many parents get hooked on when kids are small because younger children will take it.  As your children get older, they begin to resent you for how you may be talking “down” to them.  To stop yourself from yelling or speaking from anger or disappointment, it is important that parents pause for a moment, collect themselves, and calm down first.  If I am angry, I tell my kids that I am mad and need 5 minutes to collect myself before addressing the problem.  This role modeling is awesome for your kids to see, and it gives me a few minutes to collect my feelings. Remember: How you respond to your child’s behavior will greatly impact how the whole scene unfolds.  Yelling at your children will either put them in a flight or fight mode.  Flight is a cowering state of being, just as they may have reacted as a young child; OR a fight mode will have your child standing up for themselves and yelling back at you.  Those are primitive responses ingrained in your child.  We don’t want to trigger either of those responses.  We want to start a dialogue instead.

Step 2: Don’t lecture. Older kids already know what they did wrong.  They need help learning from their mistakes and understanding the consequences of their actions.  That is where your focus should be.  Lecturing will only lead to eye rolls and kids tuning out.  Instead, start asking questions to help your child learn from their mistakes.  To help you with this, download my FREE PDF Question To Ask Your Child So They Will Learn From Their Mistakes at https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions Older kids don’t need parents to tell them not to make bad decisions.  They need their parents to redirect them, helping them recognize the consequences of their choices and how to make a better choice next time. This FREE PDF will help you do that, parents, so go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/learningquestions to get this free resource!

Step 3: Let your child talk.  As your child gets older, they want a voice.  They need you to hear them.  Even if you don’t agree with your young human, they need to feel like they are heard; otherwise, they will resent you.  I highly suggest you ask your child when they are in a good mood if they feel like you hear them.  You might be surprised by the response.  Either way, strive to let your child have a voice and then rephrase what you hear them say and what you see them doing.  When you summarize what you hear your child saying, it creates space for them to feel understood or correct you.  Either way, this is a win-win.  So instead of commanding, demanding, or criticizing when you want your child to do something, try to describe what you see.  For example,

• Don’t say, Put your books away. Instead, try saying, I see that you put your books on the table again.  Please move them before dinner.
• Don’t say I can’t believe you failed that test! Instead, try saying, I thought you felt ready for that exam, so I am surprised you got a D. What do you think happened?

Step 4: Try to phase out the outright NO.  How you say no to your child matters.  Again, if you say no in a harsh tone, you’ll automatically invoke a fight response.  Your child will immediately get defensive. To avoid this, I suggest you phrase your ‘NO’ with a ‘Yes’ included too.   For example, your child might ask if they can meet up with some friends after school.  You know that your family already has other commitments, so you have to tell your child No.  I would phrase my ‘no’ like this: Of course, you can see your friends after school, but we can’t do that today.  I will call Jake’s mom and see if he can pick you up after school tomorrow instead.

See how I am coupling my No with a Yes?  Your child might still have trouble accepting the no, but I find this technique helps children not focus on the negative as much, and the push back isn’t as strong. You may want to strive for coupling your ‘no’ with a conditional ‘yes’ for teenagers.  For example, if your child asks to have an extra hour of video gaming with their buddies, but you don’t like the idea of more screen time, maybe you can compromise with your teen by saying, “Sure, you can have an extra hour of screen time tonight as long as all homework is done and you go for a walk with me around the park after school for 30 minutes.”

These are only a few tips to get you started communicating with your pre-teen and teen better, but I hope it helps!  As your child gets older, you’ll need to become more flexible and creative with your responses, which isn’t always easy, but you can do it with practice.  It’s difficult for parents to shift from an authoritarian ‘No because I said so’ response to the more lenient responses I suggested today. Still, in the long run, it can help your relationship with your child.

I hope all this helps.  You got this parents. I am just here to help.

028: Expectations Are The Death of Connection

Expectations Are The Death of Connection

To make an authentic connection with your child, try one of my FREE 30 Day challenges.   Sign up today and you’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days.  These questions provoke a new conversation with your child and get you away from the boring questions like, “How was your day, and do you have any homework?”  Start connecting with your child one question at a time!  Completely FREE, so NO excuses! Sign up NOW and watch your connection grow with your child in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

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Transcript:

 “Ms. Campos, I know I am disappointing my parents.  I’ve tried my best, but nothing I do is ever right.  How am I going to tell them that I failed again?”

-Anonymous Teen

Your child has likely felt the same way at some point.  Yep, EVEN YOUR CHILD! It is not our intention to make our kids feel this way, but we do it all the time.   How?  Expectations. We expect more from our children than anyone else.  “What?  No, I don’t Kristina.  Not me,” you might be saying.  Well, I am going to challenge you on that thought. 

We all start parenthood with an ideal dream.  Think back to your pregnancy with your first child. You had high hopes and were full of excitement.  You wanted that happy family.  You probably even daydreamed about your new life as a parent and envisioned your child in your imagination.  You saw yourself parenting better than your parents did and raising a fantastic human being who was going to turn out successful. 

What does “successful” mean to you?  I challenge you to stop here for a moment and brainstorm words that equal success in your mind.  Does that mean to have a good job, make a certain amount of money, or have a certain amount of independence? Then, what does your child have to do to BE successful? Get good grades, not play video games, become a good athlete, be heterosexual, or dress a certain way?  These questions take time to answer and a lot of soul searching, but if you take the analysis seriously- then you will get to the heart of your expectations. 

Expectations hurt our relationship with our children.  Eventually, children will fall short of meeting our expectations, and when they do- they feel hopeless, sad, confused, and worthless. Over time, if our child keeps feeling that they are not living up to our expectations, they can eventually give-up all together, feel unlovable, and disconnect from our parent-child relationship. 

Do you remember having those feelings as a child?  Which of your parent’s expectations did YOU not meet?  Consider reflecting on your own childhood and your own hidden expectations you have for your child, then watch this week’s Bigger Impact Video on Wednesday, where I will discuss this topic further.  Step one is acknowledging these expectations so that we can move into a better and closer relationship with our kids!

Are you frustrated with your child because they simply aren’t turning out the way you expected? Maybe parenting life- just isn’t the peachy-keen reality you were hoping for?  We all feel this way from time to time, and when you get into those ruts- you need to watch this video!  This disappointment I know you are feeling- stems from having expectations.  You see, expectations ruin relationships and kill happiness.   In today’s video, I am going to explain why expectations ruin your connection with your kids and this might be the cause of some of the disconnect you are having with your tween, teenagers, and even young adult children.

Let’s start with where our expectations come from.   Well, most of them come from society but they can come from our aspirations, hopes, dreams, or from our upbringing, or really anywhere where we were taught “This is how things are supposed to be.  This is what things are supposed to look like.”  But the keyword here is Taught.  Expectations are TAUGHT mind-set.  That means, we can change our expectations if we choose.

I think parents expect more from their kids than anyone else.  It is 100% natural to envision a home full of bliss and bonding, but we find out the minute you have a baby that won’t stop crying- that parenthood especially- is not what we expected.   Yet we continue to hope for things for our kids and expect them to act a certain way.  We expect them to do certain things. All these expectations cause a huge burden on your child.  The pressure is enormous and when you keep having expectations- they will eventually fall short and here is where your relationship suffers. 

What happens when our kids don’t live up to our expectations?  They don’t become the athlete, the musical genius, the straight-A student… that we wanted them to be?  Well, this leads to disappointment for you and despair for the child.  Really we are setting up our relationship with our children for doom when we have expectations.  And what if you have a “people-pleasing child?”  What happens when they can’t live up?  If we expect our child to BE something and these “people pleasing children” put all their self-worth into pleasing you because their love language is Words of Affirmation, and they can’t wait to hear your praise and see you proud of them- then when they can’t live up to the expectation, they feel like a failure and go into depression.  Even their journey to get that praise is full of anxiety. Honestly, many children- especially those that have Words of Affirmation as their love language, see your expectations as a “conditional kind of love”.  What!  Conditional love!  I know that’s not what you intended but that is how it is being perceived. 

So how do we combat this?  Step 1:  Identify when you are feeling disappointed in your child and then ask yourself if the reason for that disappointment is due to an expectation.  Step 2: Challenge that expectation.  Why do you have it? Where is it stemmed from?  Is society telling you to expect that?  Let me give you some examples:

Why am I disappointed that my child has Bs and Cs?  Is it because they are not A student?  Is it because I am embarrassed about what others will think? Am I embarrassed because they won’t get into the University that I want them to? 

Or Why am I disappointed that my child wants to have a same-sex partner?  Am I disappointed with what others will say? Is it because my upbringing TAUGHT me to disagree with it?

Really being honest with yourself and finding the answers to WHY is tough!  Be aware that you will likely try to make excuses for yourself and your feelings!   But dig deep and evaluate your feelings.  This won’t be easy, but understanding where your expectations are coming from is important.  My hope is that this self-analysis on “Why things need to be a certain way” will lead you to an ah-ha moment, which then will lead you to surrender those expectations and accepting your CHILD for the person they are.  It can save your relationship.

076: Parenting During and After Divorce

Parenting During and After Divorce gives tips on:

• How to limit the negative impact on your kids
• Tips for making your communication effective
• How to talk to kids and what to say
• Things to talk about with your EX
• Things to talk about with your new love interest
• How to introduce a new love interest to your children
• and much more!

Do you have a child that struggles with ANGER? I CAN HELP! The FREE webinar on my fully online course to help children with big emotions will give you the framework you need to see a change in your child's behaviors! Check it out at https://theimpactfulparent.com/anger-webinar

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

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"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for Parenting During And After Divorce:

Kristina:  Welcome to The Impactful Parent Inspire and Learn series. Real parents tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes. Still, a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes, and today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, Aaron Windtke. Aaron will talk to us about divorce and a father's perspective on going through a divorce. Thank you for being here, Aaron.

Aaron, you have four daughters, but I also know that you have gone through a divorce from talking to you earlier. And when that happens, family dynamics change. It is going to hurt the kids, no matter whether it's amicable or not. Divorce is just a painful transition for every family. Do you have any tips or advice that you can give the audience who are going through a divorce and try to minimize the negative impact that it might have on their family?

Aaron:  Yeah, what a great question, and not an easy topic, so I'll do my best to address it. When I was going through my divorce, the first thing was to put the kids in counseling. It's very important that the kids understand it's not their fault and that they're not why the two adults are going their separate ways.

Also, I actually think I became a better dad because of my separation from my ex-wife. This is sad to say, but I took time with my kids for granted as a married man.  I was just in a routine, you know. I got up, go to work, came home, and just never took time to appreciate all the little things. Once I got separated, I had time by myself versus time with the kids. I was more engaged in spending quality time with the children.

Kristina: My audience knows I'm a single mom of four kids. I have met plenty of single dads, and I hear that message from other single dads too.  Once they got divorced, they became better fathers because they appreciated time with their kids so much more. Time with the children was not for granted anymore. It's really great that something good can come out of something that's not so great.

Aaron: Yeah, I think there are two sides to what you just said. It's intentional from the dad to the child. But the flip side is also intentional from the child to the dad, where there's an opportunity for the children to communicate with me. When I went through that, I had one child who didn't want to talk about anything. We would just write letters back and forth, and that was our way of communicating.  There was another child who would just pull me aside, and we would sit in a room and talk to each other about how we were feeling and what was going on.

I found it was therapeutic to me to be open and honest with my daughters. It was good to be vulnerable and tell them that I was feeling sad and why. I also wanted to tell them how important they are to me in my life. I don't know if I did it right or wrong. I did the best I could. I think that's what we all need to remember as parents. We're doing the best we can off the information we have today. And so I think it's important as a parent to give yourself a break when you need a break. It's so easy to beat yourself up. There are so many things you're doing right and not giving yourself credit.  You're doing way more right than what you think you're doing wrong.

Kristina: It's never too late to change and apologize to your kids. Tell them, "I didn't know. I'm going to do better from here, moving forward." I think this brings a lot of integrity to you, and it is such great role modeling for your children.

Did anything change about your parenting style after you got a divorce?

Aaron: I think it leveled the playing field. I felt like we became closer with our communication. I feel like we have more meaningful conversations now. It's weird, but the divorce has brought us closer together as a family.

Kristina: Sometimes, it takes a while for kids to accept their parents' separation. Kids can become very bitter and very mean to parents while going through pain in their hearts. I don't know if you experienced that with any of your daughters, but can you speak to any of them?

Aaron: It is a challenge. It is really important to stay on the same page as the ex in regards to the kids.  Your new goal is to raise the best kids possible and put them ahead of your own needs. We can deal with our differences separately.  I also want my girls to know that I talk about their mother with respect. Now the challenge is sometimes, as parents, we get weak. We have emotional breakdowns, and we may say stuff about the person we were once with that we probably shouldn't say.  Sometimes the kids can see our flaws that might have been covered up before in the marriage. Sometimes divorce makes our flaws more obvious.

Kristina: My best piece of advice for any parent going through a divorce is: Under all circumstances, no matter how bad things get, try your very hardest NOT to say negative things about the other parent.  Kids love their parents. That person you're talking about is their mom or dad, and your child loves that person.  It doesn't matter how much at fault they might be or all the bad things they may have done. Kids love their parents. Even kids that are neglected and abused still love their parents. Every time the other parent speaks badly toward somebody that the child loves, it makes things very confusing for the child. Talking badly about the other parent makes the divorce more heart aching for the child.

Saying, "Don't talk bad about the other person," sounds easy, but it is not. You are human too, and you got a lot of feelings going through your body. It's easy to say bad things about the other spouse because we are in so much emotional pain.  Sometimes it just slips out. So, my second piece of advice is to give yourself some grace when you mess up and say something bad. After you make a mistake, go back to your child and say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," and you admit your fault. Then tell your child why you said it, "I am hurt right now. I am going through a lot too. And it is through my emotions I said something I shouldn't have said. I'm so sorry I said it." Admitting your faults can be really helpful for your child.

Have you had to deal with your spouse remarrying or introducing your girl to a new woman?

Aaron: I have remarried. She has not.

Kristina: New love interests bring up a whole different dynamic to your family and the divorce.  Do you have tips for a parent that has remarried or fallen in love again?

Aaron:  It's challenging because nobody can replace the spouse. Regardless of how much you love this new person, they can't replace your ex. I think it's important to be open, honest, and communicate with the new person you are trying to integrate into the family.  Be transparent.  But yeah, there's no playbook on how to do this. One of the things that I tried to do was just one-on-one time with the new love interest.  Really get to know them before you introduce them to the children.  It's not easy.

Kristina: How did your daughters accept or not accept your new spouse when they were being introduced?

Aaron: They had a million questions. It was funny. I can still picture the day they met. They took her daughter one direction and took her in a different direction. They had so many interesting questions. They knew that this person's important enough for dad to bring around. They wanted to talk to her and ask ALL the questions. They also knew she must be pretty special.

Before the introductions, though, you have to talk to the new love interest about their expectations too.  If they come in and say, "I'm your new mom. I'm in charge," that's not going to go over well. My wife is not trying to replace their mother.  She plays more of a "friend" role. She and the girls have fun together. They do many fun things together, versus her sitting there telling them what to do. Those things you have to talk about upfront. As your new spouse, what's your approach, and how are we going to work together? There's a lot to talk about to hopefully have the best outcome possible.

Kristina: That's exactly it. I'm going to reiterate what you said.

• Talk to the person that you're trying to bring into your family,
• Get their viewpoint on where they want to stand inside your family dynamic.
• Have open communication.

Aaron:  Ask your new girlfriend/boyfriend, "What was it like growing up for you?" "What was your childhood like?" This is important because our default is how we were raised.  People will fall back on what they learned as a child.

Kristina:  Yes, exactly. And you really want to ask the children what they expect from the new spouse?  What kind of relationship do they want?  I think a mistake that many parents make is saying, "Hey, I love this new person. They're going to come in and join our family now," and that's it.  No conversation.

My kids don't want another parent. They don't like it when someone comes into the home and tries to act like a mom or a dad. They're very open to somebody coming in and taking care of their parents. My kids want their parents to have a partner. They're not opposed to that. They are opposed to someone coming in and trying to replace the other parent or coming in and trying to tell them what to do. This is just another reason to have a good conversation with your new love and say, "Look, this is where my kids are coming from, and I want them to accept you and like you. And because I don't want you to mess up this relationship, let's talk about my kid's feelings and what they expect." Having that conversation can be powerful. Unfortunately, many parents skill this step altogether.  We get so excited we found somebody else to love and love us that all sensibility goes out the window. You're just so happy to be back in love again.  BUT, if you're listening to this right now, let's learn from other people's mistakes and do it right!

Aaron: You nailed it. That was fantastic. I should be taking notes. Treat your relationship with your children like the relationship with your significant other. You have to check-in and have date nights. Especially when you're introducing somebody new, you have to have a lot of check-ins. There's got to be a lot of conversation.

Kristina: Do you have any regrets about your divorce?

Aaron: I can honestly say I don't.

Kristina: That's good.

Aaron:  I feel like I personally did everything humanly possible to prevent the divorce from happening. And that would be my piece of advice for people. When you think you've done everything you can in your marriage, go back and try again. Go back and try something different.  Divorce should be a last resort.  My parents have been married for over 50 years. I didn't want to go down this path, but I did. I live with that. But it's nice to know I can look in the mirror and say, I feel like I personally tried everything to make this work. I don't have any regrets. I wish it didn't happen for the children, but it did.

Hopefully, you can work things out with your spouse.  Really try and find the route cause to the problems and stop playing the blame game. Unfortunately, usually, one person doesn't want to work on things and only wants to make you feel as bad as they do. 

Kristina: It's very unfortunate, but it is common to get stuck in the cycle of hurting each other. 

Do you have any suggestions for how you would talk to your kids about the divorce?

Aaron: That was a tough, tough conversation. I think a lot of it depends on the age of your children. My youngest had questions right away, but they were things like, what are we going to do for Christmas? What are we going to do for Easter?

Also, consider that your children may not even know that your marriage is on the rocks.  Most parents will hide, to some degree, how bad things are getting in the relationship. Your kids may be caught off guard. There's usually a significant emotional gap between the parents and the kids. You have to be patient and let your kids process the situation. Show up with open ears to listen.

Kristina: I think it's important that you acknowledge some kids will be relieved that their parents are getting a divorce because they're in a very toxic environment. Some kids are on the other side of the spectrum and hearing all the pain, yelling, and disagreement. Then, there's the flip side. The parents that are very amicable in front of their children, and then the divorce becomes a huge surprise. I'm not saying show your kids there's a problem. I'm saying, don't forget to consider the child's perspective. Give your child space and the grace to process what they're going through. Remember, your child might be blindsided because you hid the "bad" so well.

Aaron:  And something I just like to touch on is, How you saw your parents argue growing up is usually your default way to deal with your own anger. If one of your parents gave the silent treatment, that might be your default response when you have an argument. It is also how your kids might react to the news of the divorce.  If you give the silent treatment when you're angry, don't be surprised when your kids do the same to you. 

This is also a conversation to have with your new love interest.  How do you deal with stress? How do you deal with arguments or disagreements?  What will be the rules of engagement, and how will we communicate with each other?

Kristina: Rules of engagement! I love that term. How are we going to talk to each other? It is a great conversation to have with your children, your ex, and your new spouse.  These conversations aren't easy, but they will help in the long run.  How do you initiate these conversations?

Aaron: One of the things that work well for me is, we'll go for a walk, where we're side by side versus face to face. I find that it relaxes us both, and we can have a more open dialogue. I used to joke about people that sit side by side at a restaurant. I never understood why people sat side by side. Well, it turns out you can have difficult conversations sitting beside each other!  

As parents, it's easy to want to give advice on everything when we're talking to our kids. I would encourage you to say, "Tell me more," instead.

Kristina: I find that the side-by-side conversation is a lot more effective and impactful than the front-to-front conversation, especially with teenagers. Remember that it is a lot more intimidating when you're facing someone than side-by-side.  A side-by-side conversation also leads to touching. If your child's love language is physical touch, being able to hold their hand or put your hand on their shoulder or give them a little side hug works best side by side.

If anybody out there resonates with you and wants to know more about what you do and how you can help them, how could they get ahold of you?

Aaron:  I started a coaching business in 2020 to help other adult parent coach business owners. You can reach me at purposeandwisdomcoaches.com

Kristina: Thank you for talking with me today. I really appreciate your perspective and expertise.

Parents, if you have an inspiring story that you want to share on The Impactful Parent, please go to the Impactful Parent's website. https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me  We want to learn from you.

But until next time, you got this, parents.  We are just here to help.

077: 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How do I keep my teenage daughter safe now that she is independent?  Answer: 8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for  8 Lessons You Need To Teach Your Kids To Keep Them Safe:

Today we will talk about children’s physical safety.  Don’t miss this Q and A Live video.  I will be giving you 8 Must-Have-Lessons you need to do with your child today, whether you have an 8-year-old or an 18-year-old- it doesn’t matter.

Hi, My name is Kristina, founder of The Impactful Parent, and I come here every Thursday to answer one of your questions LIVE.  If you have a question for me next week, you can directly message me on social media or email me at theimpactfulparent@gmail.com.  All submissions are kept anonymous.

Okay, let’s talk about our question today: How Do I Keep My Teenage Girl Safe now that she is an independent young person doing her own things?

I know that letting your teen become more independent is scary.  The best way to combat your fears and keep your child safe is to teach them how to stay safe.  Today I will give you my 8 MOST IMPORTANT SAFETY LESSONS YOU NEED TO TEACH YOUR CHILD.  And yes- teach them these 8 lessons at ANY age.   You should practice and talk about these safety tips at least once a year, like a fire drill.  Repeating this conversation once a year is super impactful!  It will allow your child to grow with the lesson, understand it in new ways. As they grow, the lessons become ingrained in their brain. The more the lessons are revisited, your chances increase that your child will do the right thing if presented in a situation where they need to call on their skills.

Lesson 1: Teach your child to be aware of their surroundings.  Now, more than ever, kids are distracted from the world because they stare at a screen.  Parents will teach their children to put down the phone when they drive, but many forget to teach their children to put down the phone when they walk.   Walking with your head looking down and distracted by a screen makes your child an easy target for profiling, mugging, kidnapping, and other offenses.  Teach your child to walk with their head up. Walk with confidence and direction.  When you walk with purpose and aware of your surroundings, you minimize your appeal to be threatened.   Plus, don’t just talk about walking with purpose and the phone put away, but also have your child physically practice it.   Muscle memory is sometimes what people have to rely on when in a tense and unfamiliar situation.  Creating all the lessons today into muscle memory by repeatedly acting out scenarios is, hands down, the most effective way to teach your child these lessons. They will remember them and use them in times of need.

I make Lesson 1 a game with my kids.  I may go to the park and have them close their eyes and tell me what is around them?  What do they remember seeing?   Practice being observant of your surroundings.

Lesson 2: Teach your child to move out of reach. I highly suggest putting your children into some sort of martial art or self-defense classes if possible.  However, if you can’t enroll your child in that kind of extracurricular activity, at the very least, teach your child HOW to move out of reach of someone trying to grab them.  Whether you roleplay an aggressive boyfriend/girlfriend, a stranger is trying to give your kids candy, or just play that good old “Try-and-slap-my-hands-on-top-of-your-hands” game, teach your child HOW to move away from people with intention.  Teach them how to step back also.  Have them use more than just their upper body to shy away.  Teach your child how to step away and run too.

Lesson 3: Staying out of reach.  Just like lesson 2, kids need to practice staying out of reach.  Teach your child how to keep moving with intentionality and confidence.  Roleplay being a kidnapper. Or, for older children, roleplay a pushy boyfriend/girlfriend that won’t take no for an answer.  Either way, practice CONTINUOUSLY moving away.  This brings me to lesson 4.

Lesson 4 is: Teach your child to say NO, and STOP. Have your child practice holding their ground.  Have them practice saying no and moving away. Teach your child how to remove someone’s hand off their body and step away.  Lesson 4 is more than just learning how to say NO and STOP; but it also includes teaching your child the body language they need to accompany those words.  No one will listen to your child if they only learn how to say no weakly.  Kids need to practice standing tall, standing confident, saying no with conviction, and make eye contact with their perpetrators.

Lesson 5: Teach your child how to set boundaries for their physical and mental wellbeing.  Teach your child that boundaries are important.  We can’t be happy when we spread ourselves too thin, are trying to please everybody, and are worried about what others will think of us.   With younger kids, practice saying, “Please stop” to peers and adults.  Practice holding boundaries when someone is insisting and won’t take no for an answer.  Teach your child how to turn down invitations politely and with assertion. For older kids, practice saying, “Stop or I’ll leave.”  From an early age, praise your child for setting boundaries on their physical space and with their mental wellbeing.

Lesson 6: Teach your child to always announce where they are AND get permission before they change their plan about going anywhere with anyone.  Even when my children were little and left the room, I had them get in the habit of always telling me where they were.  Yes, it is a little weird to announce if you are leaving the room to go to the bathroom, but in my household- that is what we do because we always tell someone where we are.  As a young children, I made it a habit to announce their whereabouts that as my teenagers grew, it felt weird to them to hide their plans from me.  Even if you have an older child, teach them to announce where they are and always check in before changing their plans.

Lesson 7: Teach your child to always have a Plan B.  For young children, this is going to be a discussion with you, the parent.  What will you do if you get lost? What will you do if you’re waiting for me?  What will you do if you don’t make the team?  Teaching your child to have a Plan B is reassuring to the child and creates security.  It shows them that things won’t always work out the way we wanted, but that’s okay because they have a plan B.  I find that children who have a plan B are more confident and less traumatized when things don’t go as planned.  For teenagers, Plan B is even more important.  Teach your child to have a Plan B every time they go to a party. Every time they feel peer pressure, and always create a safe way “out” when they find they are in a bad situation.

Lesson 8:  Teach your child to fight, scream, kick, and go crazy if someone is threatening them.  This is a big one.  Most kids get suppressed by adults who are up to no good because the adult says that they will “Tell on them” or “Hurt their family.”  Kids will suppress other kids because they make threats like, “If you don’t do what I want, then next time is going to be worse.”  It doesn’t really matter what kind of threat your child may receive; they need to know that the right course of action is to make a commotion and tell a trusted adult.  Do NOT hide and give the perpetrator more power.  It is scary for any child to be threatened, but the threats are worse when your child doesn’t know what to do and feels helpless to help themselves.  Teach your child to take back their power by making a commotion.