Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

100: A Mom Addicted To Marijuana

Here are the links from today’s episode A Mom Addicted To Marijuana: https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for A Mom Addicted To Marijuana :

Kristina:  Welcome impactful parents to the impactful parenting, Inspire and Learn series where real parents come on and tell their stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. Today we're going to be learning from our guest speaker, Amanda Gorman. Amanda has an amazing story to tell us about her journey with marijuana addiction.  Let’s start with your story, Amanda.  How did this start?

Amanda: Well, just to give a little bit of background about me, I am a wife and a mother of two little kids. I live in Atlanta, Georgia. It was pretty innocuous at first. I started smoking some weed when I was in college like many people do. Addiction wasn't an issue for me right away. It was a recreational fun thing to do at parties and with friends. And over time, my use became a little bit more frequent. I started using weed to self-medicate. I have anxiety. By the time I was a senior in college, I was smoking from morning till night.

I continued this until about my mid-20s. It didn't seem like a problem because I was productive. I had a good job. I met my husband, and that time in life seemed to be pretty good. Then my husband and I got married. We decided to have kids. I decided it was a good idea to stop using. And so, I specifically got sober. Although I didn't think of it in terms of sober. I thought of it as I'm gonna take a break from smoking weed because I don't want THC in my system while I get pregnant. It was that simple. So I stopped for a couple of years until I was done breastfeeding my daughter.

Then I started a job in Colorado. After I was done breastfeeding my daughter, I was like, oh, I'll reward myself for all my hard work and abstinence with indulging. Around the same time, THC vape pens became all the rage. I remember the first time I ever saw one. I couldn’t believe that you could barely smell it, and I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. So I started using marijuana again a little bit at night, much like a substitute for my nightly glass of wine. I didn't think anything of it.

Then I repeated that cycle to have my son. I stop smoking, got pregnant, had my second baby, and breastfed for about 11 months. Then at the end of 2019, I got myself a vape pen again. I started up my nightly indulgence again. 

Then things changed for me during the pandemic. March 2020 came around. We went into lockdown. My old habits of self-medicating came right back. By the summer of last year, I was back to my habit of smoking from morning tonight. But this time, I was a mom of two little kids. I couldn't be emotionally and mentally present for them. My kids were still well taken care of. I was still physically present for them, but I just didn't care about things as much. Ironically I used weed to lower my anxiety. After a while, my tolerance went up, and I started using more and more frequently. Unfortunately, the weed backfired on me and made my anxiety worse. The weed made me more irritable, made mood swings more intense, and life became unmanageable. I wasn't happy in my job anymore. I wasn't happy with much of anything. I just wasn't making any positive movements in my life. I found myself slacking off on the job. Everything in my life really started to suffer.

Then things hit a wall in the fall of last year. My relationship with my husband was suffering. I wasn't the wife or mother or person that I wanted to be.  I remember one weekend I was by myself because I tended to want alone time and escape into a world of my own creating. I remember smoking and being like, I don't even want to do this anymore. I'm doing it just because it's a habit. It was almost compulsive. In addition to that, I had developed a pretty bad cough.

One night I was on the phone with a friend, and they expressed a lot of concern about my mental health. Their conversation stuck with me.  I was still questioning why I am continuing to do this? I don't even really want to smoke any more.

So on October 4, I threw my entire stash. I smoked for the last time on October 3. Now, I stopped smoking, but things got worse before they got better. What I mean by that is, when I was smoking weed, I was numbing myself of all of my feelings. I didn't want to deal with problems but pushing down and masking my feelings wasn’t getting me anywhere. My emotional problems just came bubbling right back up to the surface and all while I was going through major physical withdrawal symptoms. Not everyone knows about marijuana; you can have serious withdrawal symptoms like insomnia, night sweats, anxiety, loss of appetite, irritability, and major mood swings. I was experiencing all of them. I was also emotionally dysregulated. I dealt with all of these feelings that came bubbling up to the surface like they were waiting for me. After about six days of white-knuckling it,  I broke down and cried. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. Thankfully I had heard of marijuana anonymous. It was like a seed was planted in my brain, months before someone had just mentioned that their daughter was thinking about going to those meetings.  From there, it was like divine intervention. My fingers took over the keyboard and typed in marijuana anonymous online meeting. And there was a meeting happening right then, and I joined the Zoom Room. There were squares of women's faces that were total strangers, and they were sharing bits of their story. I felt like they were reading my diary. Their story was my story. Everything that they said resonated with me. I remember being relieved to have found that space and pissed that I hadn't found it earlier.

Ever since then, I have been going to Marijuana Anonymous meetings online. It has been a very long, difficult journey through recovery and sobriety. Still, my life now is so much better than it was. I sometimes cannot believe how bad things were last summer.

Today, I am the wife that I want to be. I am the parent that I want to be. I am experiencing the little joys with my kids that I used to enjoy. A lot of my healing work has been gaining emotional regulation tools and coping skills. When the toddler stuff happens, I can deal with it a lot better without running away or trying to numb it out.

I'll wrap up by saying that I am not against the use of weed. I look at it just like alcohol. Most people can handle a drink or two; most people can handle recreational use. And some of us become addicted to it. 9% of people who use marijuana become addicted. So that means 91% have no issue at all. I want to be very clear that this is not me disparaging the use of weed or anything like that. Now I have realized that I don't need any substances to make me feel better about myself or feel more confident. I am totally fine with myself, just as I am.

Kristina: Well, first of all, congratulations on your recovery. You have an amazing story, and it's going to be very relatable to many. I'm going to start off by giving the audience a little bit of context. Your story is interesting because I'm in Colorado. Here where I live, marijuana is legal and has been for several years.  Marijuana use is common. I know that's not the view across the United States nor across the world, and I have listeners from all over. It'll be interesting to hear everybody's opinions in the comments about your story and the other things we're about to talk about today.

In Colorado, you can go to a dispensary and get any sort of marijuana you need. There is medical and recreational marijuana available in different forms. You can eat marijuana in what is called an “edible.” You can vape marijuana in a smoking cartridge or smoke the flower, which is the plant itself.  The dispensary’s staff are knowledgeable about weed here in our state also. You can ask the dispensary to recommend a strain that can help many different ailments, from “I need to sleep” to “I need something for my back pain.” Marijuana growth has become a science here in Colorado. Weed is also very acceptable by many here in our state.  Going to be marijuana is just as common as going to a liquor store. In Colorado, many people have replaced their nightly glass of wine at the end of the day with smoking. It'll be interesting to hear other views as I realize that is NOT the way most of the United States.  

I hear your story, and I think, “Wow, very relatable for other parents, especially in Colorado.” When I hear you started smoking in college, again, I think this is very relatable. The University of Colorado at Boulder was even known for its weed back in the day. The bottom line is, we have a reputation here.

I am curious what the audience thinks about the comparison of alcohol and marijuana. The culture in Colorado is different than across the United States. Marijuana also has a reputation for calming the user. You don't hear about many abusive people smoking marijuana, but you hear a whole bunch coming from alcoholics. What do you think about that kind of statement and that comparison?

Amanda: I started using weed to calm down and chill my anxiety. As my use went up and my tolerance went up, it backfired and had the opposite effect. I found myself being more irritable after I had smoked because I was slower. When I was around my kids, toddlers, their yelling and running around and doing all of their toddler things; they felt really annoying. It was actually more annoying when I was high than when I was sober. I have read some information about parents being either physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive on marijuana. There are also incidences of neglect, so marijuana can have its negative side too. When you compare both, you can drink a glass of wine responsibly and smoke responsibly. It is more about the user.

Kristina: How did you realize that you were a marijuana addict?

Amanda: So I did not think that I was an addict until probably my second or third Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I sought out the support of that online space just out of sheer desperation. Getting sober sucks. I knew that it was going to mean some sleepless nights. I knew that it was going to mess up my appetite for a while. But this time, the side effects of quitting were more severe and intense. I was also looking for support emotionally. I was seeing a therapist, too, but I needed additional help.

I remember being in my second or third meeting listening to the stories. At the beginning of most meetings, they read 12 questions called You Might Be A Marijuana Addict If _______. I answered yes to  11 out of 12 questions! I thought, “Hmm, okay, that's interesting,” When it was my turn to speak, I surprisingly called myself a recovering marijuana addict. It just hit me one day.  When the words just came out of my mouth, and I was like, Whoa, I need to sit with that! Am I really identifying?

Now there were times before when I thought I had a problem.  I identify as a stoner, which was one of the things I had to grieve: losing that identity. I loved the idea of being a buttoned-up professional and a mom by day and a cool, laid-back stoner at night.

Kristina: How has this impacted your parenting specifically? What lessons did you learn?

Amanda: My first lesson was understanding. One of my biggest character defects is my tendency to sit in the well of victimhood and self-pity. As a parent, I would tell myself that I deserve the reward of smoking weed for my good parenting efforts, like waking up in the middle of the night. I would constantly play the victim and felt I was dealt this difficult deck of cards in my life. Of course, everyone is going to have challenges as a parent. Identifying that character defect and realizing I didn't have to live my life like that was a game-changer for me.

The other way that this has impacted me as a parent is my ability to be present. Things got weird in the pandemic as it did for many people, and I was reaching for my relief button.  Things were really hard around me at that time. I can give myself self-compassion, empathy, and grace for my past. Today, I don't feel the need to do that. Even when things are very difficult, I have gained the coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills to do what I need to do to take care of myself and my feelings. Sometimes before I can take care of my kids, I have to put on an extra 30 minute Cocoa Melon episode. At the same time, I go do a quick meditation or write a gratitude list. And, yes, my kids got more screen time but, mommy's regulation was the priority in that scenario. I also stopped judging myself quite so harshly as a mother. This change in perspective helped me open up for more love and availability to my kids. I'm still in recovery. I am still learning. I'm also hopeful that it will continue to impact my family positively moving forward.

Kristina: What do you regret?

Amanda: It's a good question. If I could go back and change things, certain little things make me wish that they could have gone differently. At the same time, I truly believe that that's what led me to where I am today. So, I guess to answer that question, my only regret is not getting help sooner.

Kristina: If people listen to your story and resonate with what you're saying, what do you suggest they do after listening to this episode?

Amanda: I love that question. I would say to start with a quick Google search and find a 12 step program that will work for you.  One of the benefits of this pandemic is that many of these recovery support groups have gone online. There is a meeting happening at any given moment of the day.  In these meetings, you don't have to say a thing. You don't even have to turn your camera on. You can plug into a meeting, keep yourself on mute, and just listen.

Kristina: You are also a podcast host.  How do people find you if they want more from Amanda?

Amanda: My show is Finding Your village, and it's about birth postpartum and parent mental health. The goal of the show is to make the early days of parenting more connected.

Kristina: Thank you for being here, Amanda, and sharing your story. 

Audience, if you have an inspiring story and want to share your story with the audience so that others can learn from you, please go to that impactful parent website which is theimpactfulparent.com. Go to the Work With Me page, scroll down to the bottom, and you can sign up too!  But until next time, parents, you got this. I am just here to help.

-----------------------A Mom Addicted To Marijuana----------------------------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30 minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

098: ”Tell My Story,” were his last words.

Here are the links from today’s episode "Tell My Story," were his last words: chooselife.org and tellmystoryfilm.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for  "Tell My Story," were his last words:

Kristina: Welcome, Jason Reid. Jason will talk to us about the importance of paying attention to your child's mental health.

Jason is a very successful entrepreneur, but his life changed and flipped upside down in March 2018 when his son, Ryan, took his own life. Today, Jason is the founder of chooselife.org. An organization focused on ending teen suicide by helping parents own their child's mental health. He has an amazing short documentary called Tell My Story, which is Ryan's last request to his family. Thank you for being on stage, Jason.

Jason: Thank you for having me here.

Kristina: Let's start with your story. Tell us about what happened and how you got here.

Jason: Yeah. Well, let me start by saying, never in a million years did I think it'd be here. My life was on track. It was great. My wife and I have four kids. Ryan was the youngest. He just turned 14. Kim and I were away for her birthday weekend. We had dinner that night talking about how great our life was.

And that night, after getting back from dinner. Ryan texted all the family members individually to say goodbye.  Then he took his own life at our house. It was something I never expected. And it's something that I always thought happen to other people. It doesn't happen to people like me.

That is the fallacy that we all live by; this kind of thing happens to other people. We think that kids who take their own life come from poor families. They come from bad families. They have some trauma in their lives that caused them to think that way, to do those kinds of things, and that's not what happens. I can guarantee you that Ryan's life was not that way.  In fact, he got straight A's, he was a great kid, and everybody loved him. He's funny. And there were no signs. At least, I didn't think there were signs.

There were signs, though. I just didn't know what to look for because I have never focused on my kid's mental health. I didn't think I had to.

A few weeks after Ryan passed, I was going through his drawers searching…. searching for something, and in the top left drawer, I found a note. I opened it up. The note said, "Here's my username and passwords. Tell my story."

Kristina:  That was Ryan's last request then.  That is so powerful.

Jason: What I've done since Ryan's death, I've been on a journey to discover what went wrong for me and how I can stop it from happening to other parents, like you. 

So I did a movie called Tell My Story. I'm not gonna lie. It's a hard documentary to watch. In the movie, I talked to parents and kids across the West Coast, that experienced this and got their stories.

Kristina: And what did you learn in that process? What was the message that came across that these kids want their parents to do?

Jason: It's a great question. They want you to do the opposite of what you think you should do. They want you to ask questions, listen, love them, not judge them, and not try to fix them. That's what I learned, amongst a whole bunch of other things.

I'm a CEO. I own companies across the United States. I do a whole bunch of different things. I've been very successful. I've written a bunch of books. None of that stuff matters now.

I fix things for a living. I coach CEOs. People come with problems, and I fix them. Tell me what's going on in your life. I'll tell you how to fix it. (My wife hates that about me, lol.)

The problem is, that is what I wanted to do with my kids too.  If a child comes up to me and says, I broke up with my girlfriend. I'm really sad, and I hate this. I can't deal with it," my natural reaction is to say, "It's not that bad. There's a bunch of people out there. You're only 15. It doesn't matter. You're going to go through 100 other people in your life before you get married. Don't worry about this." I think other parents are similar. I hope other parents hear me right now because I need to tell them that this was one of my big mistakes.

I know parents want to help their children, but that isn't the way to do it.  In fact, the minute that you start telling them that their problems aren't too bad, the less likely they're going to tell you anything.

Kristina: We need to validate how they feel.

Jason: Exactly. In their world, those problems are the most important things. It may be insignificant for us, but to them, it means a lot.  Your child will shut down if you don't give their problems significance.

Also, children can't cope as well.  Their lives come crashing down around them because they haven't developed coping skills yet. They don't need a lecture.  They need love and support. 

The biggest thing I've learned is that we can reverse what's going on here. This trajectory of suicide going up and mental health problems going through the roof can be fixed. We can absolutely change the path, but it's not the way you think we're gonna change it.  It's going to be us, as parents, who change.  We need to own our kids' mental health the same way we own their physical health.

When your child has a stomach ache, you take them to the doctor. We need to treat children's mental health the same way. If your child comes to you and says, "I'm depressed, and I'm sad," we have to take the time to talk to them and possibly get them professional help.

I've never been depressed. I don't understand it. I know it's okay to be sad. I get sad, but the difference between being sad and being depressed is, you get sad for a day. You get depressed for days on end. Even though I don't understand depression, I learned that it is still something to take seriously. Parents can't ignore it. 

I learned that one person might look outside the window and see sunny skies while someone else might look out the same window and only see clouds.  I learned that there's nothing I'm going to say to make them believe those clouds don't exist. The correct answer I've learned is, tell me about those clouds.

What do those clouds look like? Explain it to me. Describe them to me. Why do you think the clouds are there? Ask questions and listen. Don't judge. Don't tell them how much their life is so much better than they think it is. They don't want to hear it, and they're not going to hear it. Instead, parents need to take their child's sadness seriously, listen to their problems, and get them to help if needed.

That's how we own our kids' mental health. We get kids to talk and share how they feel. Talk about those clouds in the sky and describe them to us and tell us why they think they're there and ask if there's anything to help make them go away.

Kristina: Yes.  And if they say there's nothing we can do, then you sit and listen more.

Jason: And if you are worried, don't be afraid to ask the question: How bad is this? Have you thought about hurting yourself?

Kristina: You can't be afraid to ask those questions. You're not putting the idea in their head. You're being a concerned parent. You have to ask directly, How do you feel right now? Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself?

Jason: Are you feeling that way now? Did you feel that way in the past? Tell me about the last time you felt that way?

If they say they want to hurt themselves, ask more questions. Do you have a plan? How long has this been happening?

Kristina: Parents, you could take your child to the emergency room of any hospital. They will assess your child to see how far into the process of wanting to hurt themselves that they are on. It could be the most important hospital visit that you'll make. The hospital may end up saying it's not critical and send you home but, it's still showing your child you care enough to take them there.

If your child is evaluated and considered a suicide risk, the hospital will send your child to a place where they can stay for a few days and not hurt themselves.  Those special hospitals will have therapists on staff. Your child will be monitored 24/7, and your child will be in a special section of the hospital reserved for children under 18.

I'm gonna ask you, Jason, were there any warning signs for Ryan?  

Jason: I wish I could say that there weren't any warning signs for Ryan, but it is more realistic to say that I missed them.  I have to live with that every day, and it pains me, but I missed them.

Ryan was more withdrawn. He spent more time in his room. He was quicker to snap than he used to be. I thought he was just a grumpy kid. I thought he was a grumpy teenager.  My other teens were grumpy, too, so I dismissed that as a sign.  Ryan also was physically ill because he had Crohn's disease. I figured a lot of his anger was around that, but it probably wasn't.

I never took the time to really ask him what was going on.

I asked him how you are doing, and he would say fine, so I took his response at face value.  That is a big mistake we make as parents. We don't talk to our kids.

So, looking back on it, I could have done a much better job of talking to my kid.  And don't get me wrong, I had a great relationship with Ryan. We hung out together. We traveled together. We were planning our trip to Washington in the summertime,  just the two of us. Those plans were made the week before he died for the following year. We had a great relationship.

Now, I'd like to give you a few tips.  I know many people are probably saying, I want to talk to my kids, but they don't want to talk to me. I get it. So let me tell you a couple of things that I've learned from that.

The first thing is, as parents, we have a tendency to want to talk to them when WE want to talk. That's not going to happen. They're only going to talk to us when THEY want to talk to us. And it's inherently inconvenient when they want to talk to us. So the first thing you don't want to do is barge into their room and demand a conversation. By the way, I know you own the house. I know you pay for everything. I know that everything in that room you bought. I get it. But when we barge into that room, your child feels violated. That's the only little sacred space they have. That's all. Yeah. And now you've just barged in.

You know your kids. You know there are times when they're gonna want to talk to you and when they don't. Talk to them on the drive to school, the drive home, while you're making dinner, go for a walk, invite them to a sporting game, whatever your child wants. Don't try to get him to talk when they don't want to talk. They're not going to. That's when you get the "I’m fine” only.

Then, capitalize on the time when they do want to talk and go deep. Put down your cell phone, and cancel a phone call or night out. If your child is willing to talk to you, talk to them. Your child may only be willing to open up and talk to you once every couple of weeks. Seize those moments! Ask questions and listen. And the more you ask questions, listen, do not judge them, and not lecture them, they will talk to you more.

Here’s another mistake I made. I showed up as a guy who had it all figured out. Let me explain.

I've got companies. I've written books. I’m a black belt, Iron Man kind of guy. I am CEO, yada yada yada. It doesn't matter. I never cried in front of my kids. I showed up as everything is good. In reality, I have failed dozens of projects over the years. I have been nearly bankrupt two or three times. I questioned whether I'm enough to do what I do. But that's not what Ryan saw.  That wasn't how I showed up to my kids and my family. My wife never knew all the stuff I was going through. I kept it from my family. Why? I wanted to make sure my family had a good life.

Unfortunately, Ryan saw me as the guy who always had it figured out. He thought I never had a problem and never cried. When Ryan had a problem, Ryan cried. Ryan had fears. Eventually, Ryan thought that something was wrong with him.  So, my advice is to share your feelings with your kids. Share what you're going through. They need to understand that life isn't great all the time. It's okay to have a bad day at work. It’s ok to have your boss yell at you because you did something stupid. It’s ok to feel sad.

Lastly, remember that when kids go so far as to take their own lives, they don't want to leave you. They don't want to die. They want the pain to go away. Usually, the pain is so strong that it overcomes their willingness to stay here.

Oh- and one more quick thing! Regarding social media, all the kids I talked to said that social media was a terrible place for them. Their brains can't understand that someone’s beautiful post is not real and that beautiful post doesn’t really represent that person’s real life. They assume that everybody's life is awesome besides theirs. Plus, most kids get bullied on Instagram and bullied on Facebook. I would think twice about giving my kid a social media account. I also believe that the parent owns that phone.  You have the right to see it anytime you want. 

And the final piece on that from my end is that I do not believe that a child needs a browser on their phone before age 15. Take the browser off the phone, or get an app to block the browser. Why do I feel that way?

It's pretty simple. I didn't think about the browser on the phone I gave Ryan.  He was a good kid.  I wasn’t worried about him searching for things he shouldn’t.  I wasn’t worried about porn or rated R content.  I didn’t think Ryan would do that, and he didn’t. Ryan used that phone to take his own life. He researched different ways to kill himself on that phone. So, take the browser off the phone.

Kristina: I'd like to know where families can go for support. If they're resonating with your story and want to watch your short documentary, where should they go?

Jason: There is a lot of local groups that provide support. I would start there. Google support groups for families.  Chooselife.org has my Ted Talks and links to the movie.  Everything you want to search for you will find online.  It’s amazing. You will find many great organizations. Do your research for help specific to your needs.  And to watch Tell My Story, go to tellmystoryfilm.com

Kristina: Thank you so much for being here today, Jason.

-----------------------"Tell My Story," were his last words.---------------------------------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

099: What Is A Good Curfew For A Teenager?

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: What Is A Good Curfew For A Teenager?

Here are the links from today’s episode:

• Podcast Link:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/apple
• Website Link:  https://theimpactfulparent.com

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for What Is A Good Curfew For A Teenager?  :

What is a good curfew for my teenager?

It is question and answer day and today's question is: What is a good curfew for my teenager? So today, I am going to give you tips on how to make an appropriate curfew for your child.  Let's get started!

Curfew is another one of those parenting choices that we have to make individually for each child.  Since every child is different, curfews may be different also. Don't feel that if you have multiple children that each child has to have the same curfew! Parenting is done best when we individualize rules and expectations according to the needs of each child and don't generalize the rules to fit everyone.

So the question today really leans to, How do I make a good curfew for my teenager?

The first thing to consider is how much structure and boundaries your child needs. What kind of maturity level are they at?  This question is completely independent of the child's age.  I know some very mature 13-year-olds and some very immature 16-year-olds.   I suggest you ask yourself these questions and pick a comfortable time for you as the parent. Then, this is the base curfew you're going to start out with.  After the base curfew  is established, your teen will need to prove to you their consistent responsibility to keep that curfew to "earn" a later curfew.  You can tell your child, "Get home on time and respect the curfew for a month and that will show me you can act responsibly, then we can discuss extending curfew times." Once later curfews are earned by good behavior, responsible decisions, open communication, and no rule-breaking. You can negotiate longer curfew times increasing in 30-minute increments at a time.

Keep in mind that your comfort level should be based MORE on the child's maturity and not your fears and what you did in the dark as a teenager.  You are already going to be biased about your comfort level, depending on your own teenage experiences. Still, you don't just assume your child is going to be just like you. That's not fair to them.  Instead, base your choice on their history of decision-making, interests, and responsibility.

Also, consider that an 8pm curfew for a 17-year-old may be doing your child a disservice.  I know this is an extreme example, but if we are too overprotective with our children, they will never get the life experience they need to navigate adulthood.

The next thing to consider when making a curfew for your child is: What are they doing? This is where the open and honest communication from your child comes into play and builds your trust so that they may negotiate a later curfew with you later.  Explain that to your child.  GPS features for your child's phone are also a helpful tool for keeping them honest and keeping you in the loop of where they are. However, I STILL have my children call and tell me their location, even though I can just look it up on the GPS.  Kids that call home and tell their parents when they change locations build additional trust with their mom and dad.  Plus, telling someone where you are is a good safety habit to develop.

Parents also want to consider the safety of the neighborhood where their child is spending time.  The possibility of crime and bad influences can definitely play a role in your curfew time decision.

Which brings me to the question you are probably thinking, What time is too late? What time does my child need to be home, and they simply can't stay out any longer than that? Period.  Well, that number depends on the legal curfew of your city and the city where your child is spending time. There are juvenile curfew laws that prohibit kids under 18 from spending time in public after certain hours.  Similarly, some jurisdictions set limits on when teens can drive at night.  These laws should be the guidelines for your non-negotiable max curfew limit.

Those are my suggestions for how to make your curfew boundaries. Still, of course, nothing in parenting is ever that easy.  Here are some other quick things to think about.

• Don't forget to consider the amount of sleep your child needs to be healthy. Most doctors recommend 8-10 hours for teens at minimum. If your child has an early appointment Saturday morning, then curfew Friday night might have to be earlier too.
• Don't forget to come to an agreement with your co-parenting partner ahead of time so that the two, three, or four of you can be on a united front. I know many divorced parents have "dad’s house rules and mom’s house rules,” but in this case, it is better to have the same curfew at both houses IF you can.
• And my last recommendation and probably the most important one is to clearly communicate your child's expectations about the curfew, calling home, what happens if you’re running late. The consequences of running late BEFORE your teen ever leaves the house. You have to make sure they understand your expectations by repeating those expectations back to you verbally.  Don’t assume they know.  Setting consequences for missed curfews should be done BEFORE your child even leaves the house also.  When children know what will happen if they miss curfew beforehand, they are less likely to make those bad decisions.  Telling your child, “You will be in trouble if you are late,” doesn’t cut it.  You need to actually tell them what will happen.  What will their punishment be? And then hold your child to the exact time you want them home and the consequences for missing the mark. If they do come home late, wait until the morning to discuss what happened.  Screaming, arguing, or lecturing in the middle of the night when emotions are high, rarely ends well.  The morning time presents a better opportunity to have a conversation and implement the consequences of their actions.

Now you might be asking, what do you do, Kristina? Well, I vary my curfew depending on my child, their behaviors, and the occasion.  I don’t have a set curfew that says you always have to be home by 10.  Instead, I vary curfew depending on what my child is doing, what is happening the next day, and if they are in good standing with their responsibilities.  My children earn later curfew times and get early curfew times if they haven’t made good choices.

I hope that helps you today!  Please share this episode with someone who needs it, subscribe, and comment with your thoughts and curfew suggestions.  Then don’t forget to subscribe to the Impactful Parenting Podcast and check out the online free resources at theimpactfulparent.com

You got this parents, I am just here to help.

-------------What Is A Good Curfew For A Teenager?--------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30 minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

 

097: Is Your Child College Ready?

Here are the links from today’s episode Is Your Child College Ready?: https://theimpactfulparent.com/50things

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Is Your Child College Ready? :

Kristina: Welcome impactful parent! Today we're going to talk about how to prepare your child for college responsibilities. I have a special guest, Dr. Kristen Austin, to talk to today. Dr. Austin is the co-author of a new book called College Ready 2021. This great book is all about getting your kids prepared to leave the nest and be successful in college! Thank you for being here, Dr. Austin.

My first question is, what is my role as a parent is trying to get my child to transition? Where do we begin in preparing our kids for college? Many parents do a lot for their children. They don't realize that they are actually doing a disservice to their child by doing too much.  On the other hand, our kids don't know to ask for certain skills because, well, frankly, you don't know what you don't know. Then they get to college, and the child realizes they lack skill or knowledge of some kind. That leads to the child calling home and asking mom and dad for help.  But the goal is for our kids to be successful young adults without the parents holding their hand.  Where do we begin in this journey?

Dr. Austin:  Such a great question, and it's really a position that every parent finds themselves in.

The first thing you do is, expect that nothing is going to go perfectly. It is sort of like preparing for a camping trip. Even if you've been doing this over and over and over again, you still always forget something. I often encourage families to remember that no matter what, It's okay to forget something or for there to be a gap in a skill set. It won't be a perfect process. The College Ready 2021 book, chapter eight, lines these areas out very clearly. First, talk with your child about some personal safety issues. Finding out if students can have protective devices on their campus like mace.  It is very important to find out what's allowed at that campus. Then go over some basic cooking, hygiene, use kitchen appliances, and what kind of things will be allowed in the residence hall. As a heads up, usually, Keurigs are allowed. Talk to your child about some basic skills like car maintenance and how to drive in weather conditions that your child might not be used to.

Kristina: So would you say that chapter eight, the one you co-authored in this book, is more life skill-based skills?

Dr. Austin: One of the best parts of this book is that it covers everything. Chapter eight is everything from life skills to understanding diversity and inclusion amongst new peer interactions. That's not necessarily a skill, but it's an important part of your child's adjustment to college life.  Most students have never lived in a community setting before. With that comes some inherent diversity they may not have previously been exposed to.

Several chapters talk about actual academic transitions and adjustments as well. College Ready 2021 has a little bit of everything!

Kristina: What happens if I miss something as a parent?

Dr. Austin: It will happen! Don't worry!  Most of what your child might need can be bought on Amazon. Also, you can typically direct your student to the resource on campus for help.  That's what you want to be doing! You want to investigate what resources are on campus to help your student become attached to the campus resources. Ideally, we want the parent to start stepping back and the university to start helping the child. We don't expect the students to go straight to the different university resources right away. They're still going to call home because you are their safe place, and you are their place of trust, but we want the parent to encourage independence. We want parents to say, "This is the resource at your school that I want to point you toward for help."

Kristina: That sounds great, Dr. Austin, but I know that there are many kids out there who will be frustrated with their parents. Kids will be saying, "Just tell me! Just help me!" Many kids want the solution to their problems to show up on their doorstep. It is going to be a very, very emotionally painful learning curve.

Dr. Austin: I understand. You're right, but parents have to build autonomy skills and direct them to others at some point. That's when the big B word comes into play, Boundaries. Parents want to build a network of people that will help their students turn in other directions for help.  Boundaries are so important. It won't be easy to stop enabling your child and stop doing everything for them (or stop bailing them out of trouble). Still, at some point, your child needs to learn how to deal with life's difficulties on their own.

I often have parents reflect on times where they empowered their child to make a difficult choice. I find that once you force a parent to think about a time when they've already done this, where they've pushed the student toward independence, they feel better. They realize that they can do this and do it again!  It really is a boundary issue. But parents, you can do hard things. Your child will be much better off because you didn't enable the child and build bad habits.  We don't want these kids to get their first big job and still call their mom or dad for help, asking if they will call their boss and tell them that they can't make it into work today. So, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

Kristina: Oh, parents! It's going to hurt deep down inside, but this is the best thing to help your child become a more independent adult in the long run.

My next question is, how do I know when it's time to intervene? I understand that I don't want to enable my child and do too much for them, but I also don't want to abandon them when they really might need me. There are times when a parent should step in.  When are those times?

Dr. Austin: Yes, there are circumstances where parental involvement is critical. The first is for those students that have IEP or 504 plan. These educational plans can be very complex. The student may not yet fully grasp all of the accommodations they're entitled to. I interact with many college students who say, "I didn't know I was receiving an accommodation. I thought this was just part of my education." Then, when they get to college, they don't know to advocate for extended test-taking time or other accommodations. They think that these accommodations are going to automatically happen. So for students that have disabilities or learning challenges, I definitely recommend parental involvement until you can teach the self-advocacy skills they need to fully understand their disability and accommodations.

Another time when parents need to get involved, it is important for students with chronic and potentially debilitating health conditions. Many kids don't understand the full extent of the medication they are taking. They know it is a green pill, but they don't know where to get their medications refilled and even their medications. I've had instances where students have epilepsy medicine and didn't know which one they needed to take because the child is so used to these things being done for them. It is important to teach your child to understand their illness or disability in the collegiate setting because understanding it at home differs from understanding in the academic environment.

And the last thing I'll quickly say is when parents should be more involved rather than less when the student has a marginalized identity. For example, students of color often attend a predominantly white institution and experience elevated feelings of disconnect in the collegiate setting.  Therefore, the familiarity of the family and the connection to home can really help support their transition.

Kristina: I want to remind parents that each one of those categories mentioned has a resource on campus to help your child. Help your child find the department for learning challenges, the pharmacy on campus, etcetera.

I am really excited to read College Ready 2021. Can you tell us how do we get a hold of this book?

Dr. Austin: Yes! College Ready 2021 is a quick read. It is very tangible and has very digestible topics that are specific to the 2021 transition. You can purchase it on Amazon, as well as anywhere else books are sold. It is edited by Chelsea Petri, and the publishing company is Wise Action. Every chapter has checklists for the reader too! It's great.

Kristina: Thank you, Dr. Austin, for being here today.

And the audience makes sure that you get MY FREE PDF, 50 Skills To Teach Your Child Before They Leave Home. These 50 skills are a great checklist of activities you can do this summer with your high school student to become proficient and independent young adults. You can find that at theimpactfulparent.com/50things. Couple the free PDF with College Ready 2021, and you're going to have a very successful young adult!

Thanks for being here, parents.  Until next time, you got this. I am just here to help.

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

095: Prepare Yourself For The Next Emergency

Here are the links from today’s episode Prepare Yourself For The Next Emergency: https://theimpactfulparent.com/emergencyplan

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Prepare Yourself For The Next Emergency:

Welcome Impactful Parents! Today we're going to talk about how to Prepare Yourself For The Next Emergency. Today I'm going to welcome impactful guest Brekke Wagoner. Brekke is the founder of Sustainable Prepping, a business dedicated to educating and empowering women to have an emergency plan to have calm and confidence in any crisis. Welcome to the show Brekke.

Brekke: Thank you so much. I'm glad to be here.

Kristina: Why would I need an emergency plan? Why prepare yourself for the next emergency?

Brekke: We are in the post-2020 world, so it's a little easier to imagine why we might want an emergency plan having lived through a pandemic! We had shortages around groceries, stores even being closed, and limited resources. Having an emergency plan means that we'll be prepared next time, even if we don't see it coming. A plan will help you thrive even when the world seems a little unstable.

Many people think about emergency plans only if they live in an area where there are hurricanes, tornadoes, or floods. Still, anyone can benefit from having a holistic emergency plan for the things you can't expect, like seasonal weather conditions. Also, consider other emergencies like job loss or a prolonged illness. Suppose you are a caregiver and suddenly your expenses go up and you need a little extra support. In that case, an emergency plan can really help you.

Kristina: Can you tell us how do we start this process? What are our first steps to get prepared?

Brekke: Yeah, absolutely! I have a freebie for your audience today with all the fundamentals I am about to talk about, so no need to take notes if you're driving! Just get the free download at https://theimpactfulparent.com/emergencyplan

The five major areas cover all the basics you need in an emergency.  They all start with the letter F. The first one is food and water storage. The idea is to be prepared with food and water in case something happens to the water supply.  I recommend that everyone aim for one to two weeks of water, which is one gallon per person per day for your family. So, for a family of four, they need 20 gallons of water.  I recommend an extra one to two gallons added to that for sanitation, cooking, or whatever comes up.

And then, I recommend that the goal for all families is to get one month of shelf-stable food. That seems like a lot, but it's a lot easier than you think.

The second Fundamental F is first aid and medications. Get your family a first aid kit. Things like peroxide, band-aids, and Neosporin for the scrapes and bruises of life.  I also recommend that folks make sure all their meds are up to date and not expired.  Check your colds and flu medications. Keep extra cold and flu medications on hand.  And then have extra fever reducers like acetaminophen in liquid form in the house. Plus, don't forget to stock up on your prescription meds too. One of the things that happened during the pandemic is people couldn't get to the pharmacy. We don't think about stocking up because most of us have pharmacies that work just fine. Also, depending on your medication, sometimes it is difficult to get extra meds. Talk with your health care provider about your emergency plan and ask if you can get an extra month ahead to have peace of mind.

The third F is fuel and illumination. This is how you're going to cook the food that you've stored right. Will it be a camp stove, grill, or whatever works for your family? Then illumination is how you're going to light your house. If the power is out for a few days or a week, what will you do? Do you have the batteries for the flashlight? Candles are another great option but maybe not if you have little kids.  Thinking about all of those pieces is important.

The fourth F are finances. We must think of our finances in an emergency. Preparedness is empowering. I know no one carries cash anymore but, having cash on hand is important. I recommend that families have $100 for every member of their family set aside. Why?  Because if the power is out, but you can still get to a store, you can't use your credit card! If there's no electricity, then electronic transfers and withdrawals might not work!  CASH gives you more flexibility. Saving money for emergencies is important too.  Aim for three months of your most basic living expenses to be in your savings account.

The fifth and final F is feces or sanitation. What happens if your plumbing doesn't work?! If your pipes burst, your toilet might not work either. Putting together an emergency potty or a camp potty can be a lifesaver. Also, don't forget the disinfectants. If there is a potty mess or someone is sick, you will want to clean and sanitize.  Have extra gloves, trash bags, and masks on hand.

These are the basics and should hold you through 90% of the emergencies that you might face.

Kristina:  I can't tell you how informative the last few minutes were! I'm sitting here nodding my head as you're speaking. Making an emergency plan is very important. I am going to suggest that families take on gathering all these items together!  Get your kids involved! Have them be a part of the plan. Teach them how to prepare.  This could be a family activity this summer.

The one thing going through my mind as you're mentioning this list is that this can get expensive. How can I make an emergency plan on a budget?

Brekke: The first thing is to prioritize. What is the biggest concern for your family? If you live in an area that's drought-prone, water storage might be your number one priority. If you are someone with little kids, you might be focusing on first aid and food storage. If you're someone who has a lot of land where you can build a latrine, you might not worry about the sanitation piece. Start with prioritizing your family's needs.

Second, a lot of these things you can find good deals on if you're willing to slowly create your foundation. Creating an emergency plan is a process.  Hunt for items at your local dollar store.  Pick one thing a month and slowly chip away at the list.  Slowly build your foundation over time!  And here's the thing, even if an emergency happens before you're done with the list, you are already ahead of the disaster and more prepared than you were before!

Kristina: I am loving this! I think it's fantastic because the more you're prepared, the less stress you're going to have.  Your stress emulates down to your children. So, if you're worried and stressed- then your kids will be worried and stressed too.  BUT, if you're prepared and you can limit the worry, your family will also be less scared.

Brekke: Yes!  I want to reach a million moms.  That is my dream because if we have a million moms that are calm when the next pandemic, tornado, or hurricane hits, imagine how different our communities will feel!  The moms can be the calm leaders of their neighborhoods, communities, or work. They'll haven't panicked voices that aren't worried, and that isn't coming from a place of insecurity.

Kristina: Tell me about your business.  What is Sustainable Prepping?

Brekke: My approach to emergency preparedness is different. If you were to Google "emergency preparedness or prepping," it is a very doom and gloom-oriented space. It's very masculine. It's very us versus them. It's not optimistic at all.  It's actually a very pessimistic conspiracy theory community, and that's a turnoff.

To make matters worse, when the pandemic hit, I saw many in my community struggle.  They weren't prepared.  They needed help.  I decided- I could be there. I could be the person to educate others on how to get prepared, and I could do it with a fear-free approach. An emergency plan is an empowerment tool. I want moms to be proactive, not reactive.  When you have a plan, it will make you feel more confident and more secure.  I am passionate about helping families.

Kristina: How can my audience reach you if they are ready to make their emergency plan?

Brekke: I am on YouTube at Sustainable Prepping. I'm also on Instagram @sustainable_prepping.

Kristina:  And don't forget to get your free download from Brekke!  You can find it at https://theimpactfulparent.com/emergencyplan or on her social media links.

Until next time parents, you got this. I'm just here to help.

-------------Prepare Yourself For The Next Emergency--------------------------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

096: Screen Time Guidelines For Impactful Parents

Screen Time Guidelines For Impactful Parents

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: How Much is Too Much Screen Time?

Links mentioned in this episode include: https://gabbwireless.com/?promo=IMPACTFULPARENT

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, Linked In, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

-----------------Screen Time Guidelines For Impactful Parents--------------------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

039: You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

You don't know what you don't know.  To rid of behavior you don't want to see in your child, you need to do MORE than just say, "Don't do that."  You must also replace the behavior with what you want to see.  You can't expect your child to know what they don't know. 

FREE PDF with this podcast: https://theimpactfulparent.com/communcationtips  This PDF gives tips for how to communicate better with your child!  Make your directions clearer today with this free download!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Transcript:

How can this be happening again?   I ask myself as I sit with my head resting in my hands.  Why is my child freaking out?   Why do they do this?  I take a deep breath and remind myself that they need me more now than they ever did as a tantrumming toddler.  

When my children were 2, they would fall and I would let them cry for a while, give them a hug and help them to get back on their feet.  Oh, how I wish it was still that simple.   Now, they cry louder, they scream back, and they blame me for their unhappiness.  Yes, we have all been there.  You’re not alone.   But are their fits that much different from the toddler years?  Probably not, except now they are more verbal and way bigger.  As a toddler, I would never consider yelling at my 2-year-old for falling, but I have to bite my tongue when my teenager is screaming at me.  Instinct tells me to fight back, but I shouldn’t.  What would that teach?  Yelling at my child does not teach them how to respect others.  Taking away their electronics doesn’t teach them compassion.  Paying my child for good grades doesn’t teach them self-motivation.  Telling my child, “No, you can’t do that,” doesn’t inherently make them understand what behavior is a Yes. 

Instead of punishing our kids for bad behavior, we need to coach our kids to make more positive choices.  Consider, we shouldn’t discipline our children without teaching them better behavior.  We need to give our children the tools needed to replace their behavior with something more positive.  Punishments only lead to a power struggle between child and parent.  It causes rifts in your relationship with your child and honestly, it is an endless battle of you versus me. 

So the next time you want to throw your hands up and pull out your hair because your child is acting in ways you don’t understand, consider that they may not know how to act any other way.   It is our job as parents to teach them. 

If you liked this blog/video and you are interested in more help and information on how to discipline your child or how to change your child’s behaviors- I am creating an online course for this right now.   DM, email or leave a comment below with your interest.   I will be sure you are one of the first people to know when the program will be released to the public.  Plus, please push the like button below and subscribe to The Impactful Parent below. 

038: Irish Parenting

Sinead Kavanaugh joins The Impactful Parent community to talk about how to raise more resilient children.  Sinead doesn't hold back with telling parents how it is and by the end, we discover that parenting is parenting all over the world. We all want our children to be happy and things aren't so different on the other side of the world!

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094: How YOUR Dieting Is Hurting Your Child

Here are the links from today’s episode How YOUR Dieting Is Hurting Your Child: www.wellnesslately.com, www.wellnesslately.com/masterclass, https://theimpactfulparent.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

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Transcript for How YOUR Dieting Is Hurting Your Child:

Kristina: Welcome parents to The Impactful Parenting Inspire and Learn series, where real parents come on and tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes.  Today we're going to learn from Kimberly Dempsey and Dana Barron. Kimberly Dempsey is a former client and now director of marketing for Wellness lately. She has an amazing story that she will tell us about body image and her struggle with dieting since childhood.  Also, today, Dana Barron, co-founder of Wellness Lately, will give us information about how we can help our relationship with food to be a healthier parent.

 Let's get started with Kimberly's story and How YOUR Dieting Is Hurting Your Child.

Kimberly: I think I have a story that's shared by many women all across the world. I came from a household that had a very weight-centric mother. She was always very concerned about keeping her weight controlled and maintaining a certain image. She passed down that mentality to me at a very early age. We were constantly monitoring my body size, putting me on diets, and I was very young. I was only about eight years old.

I remember going on Weight Watchers. I was taught that my body was all wrong. My body was something that I needed to control and work on. My natural body was not good enough. I needed to constantly be working on my body. From eight years old on, this continued.  I can't even count the diets. I've been on Jenny Craig, Keto, Paleo, Whole 30, Counting Macros, and the list goes on. I would say that probably 50% of my waking hours were spent thinking about food. What I was going to eat, what I ate, what I wanted to make sure I didn't eat, etc.  It was stripping away little pieces of my life. Food was constantly on my mind and taking me out of the present.

When I became pregnant, I gained a lot of weight.  I used pregnancy as an excuse to take a break from dieting and eat whatever I wanted.  It was like an extended binge.

After pregnancy, I just continued going on and off eating. I was restricting my food. I was binge eating from time to time.  I felt horrible, and I felt physically uncomfortable. I thought I was mentally a strong person, but I had this ball and chain I was carrying through my whole life.

After I had my daughter, the dieting started to really get to me. "Why can't I accept myself for how I am?" I realized that diets never sustainably worked for me. In addition, binge eating was scary. It was scary to feel out of control around food, not be able to have certain foods in my house, and not go to a social event like a cookout.  

Eventually, I had a pivotal moment of realization.  My daughter was about 5 years old. She was becoming very observant as to what I was doing. She saw that mommy was always eating something different than the family. She saw that Mommy had mood swings and that mom was super unhappy when she was putting on her clothes. My daughter was watching me and learning to hate food through my example. I always wanted to be the kind of mom teaching my daughter how to be strong, love herself, and be powerful.  I didn't want her to have the same body image issues that I had.  I wanted to teach her to accept her body and overcome the unnecessary pain from chronic dieting. So, in the end, my pivot came from wanting to be a better role model for my daughter.  My motivation was to not pass this down to my children. That is when I decided to get help.

Kristina:  Congratulations on making those big choices and being a good model for your children.  You are brave, and I am sure the journey wasn't easy.  Can you tell me more about that journey?  What was the process of becoming an intuitive eater?

Kimberly: Well, step one was for me to realize that I needed help.  Nothing I was trying was working sustainably. Then a friend put me in touch with this company, Wellness Lately, that focuses on teaching the self-care framework called intuitive eating. Intuitive eating is getting back in touch with our own innate hunger and fullness cues and learning how to choose foods that satisfy you physically and mentally. The program teaches you to eat when I'm hungry and stop when you're full.  I learned to seek foods that I want to eat instead of following a plan. I also started listening to their podcast. Wellness Lately has an awesome podcast, and quite honestly, I wasn't ready quite yet.  The thought of stopping diets was terrifying for me. I listened to their podcast for about eight months and bought a book on intuitive eating before taking the plunge to find out more. That's when I joined their Food Freedom Academy, which Dana can tell you about.

Kristina:  Do you feel any resentment toward your mother for the mindset that she instilled in you as a young child? 

Kimberly: It's a really great question, and my honest answer is I felt so much resentment growing up. I didn't understand why she did this to me. I did believe, at my core, that she thought my body was wrong. Now I understand that my mother was just a student of diet culture, which is the culture we live in.  The structured diet like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig, and the Nutrisystem were popular in the 80s and very influential. I understand now that my mother was trying to do the best thing to protect me from being a part of what's a very stigmatized group.  Overweight people in America is a real systematic problem. She didn't do this out of ill will towards me. My mom thought she was doing the right thing. I have compassion for her because, unfortunately, my mother is still in it. She will be going to her Weight Watchers meetings for her whole lifetime.  I am no longer mad at her, but instead, I empathize.

Kristina: Let's switch gears and hear more about this program. Dana Baron, thank you for being here. Dana, tell us a little bit more about what you do.

Dana: At Wellness Lately, we help women break out of the diet cycle and make peace with food in their bodies so that they can move on to bigger and better things in their lives. The statistics show us that the average woman who diets spends 50 to 60% of her time thinking about food and her body. We help women break out of the diet mentality that they've been living in for so long, and we help them stop battling food in their bodies every day.

Kristina:  I think some women do not even know that there might be a problem. How do you know if you have an unhealthy relationship with food and your body?

Dana: Our definition of disordered eating includes all dieting. But this doesn't cause a problem for everyone. Some people can diet their entire lives and be fine. However, when you are constantly thinking about food, worrying about your body, and feeling out of control around food, that is a telltale sign that something is off.  A normal, healthy, balanced relationship with food won't be emotionally fraught.  There shouldn't be any guilt and shame around eating. Suppose you think about food in terms of earning it or compensating for it, or punishing yourself over it. In that case, that is a problem also. Feeding yourself should not be difficult. Most women know when they reach that place where they just can't do it anymore and know they need help.  

Kristina: Parents need to watch for those warning signs in their children as well.  If you see your child struggling with food, it may also be time to get them help also. 

What is the most important thing that you think that parents could do to ensure that they don't pass down these negative views about eating and body image, just like in Kimberly's story?

Dana:  I think it's investigating your own relationship with food. The most impactful thing you can do is heal your own stuff around food and body, because like we said before, kids don't necessarily do what you tell them; they see how you treat yourself, how you relate to food, whether our mom enjoys dinner if you punish yourself with exercise, the way you speak to yourself, and the way you talk about food being good or bad. It's really investigating your own stuff so that you role model the right mindset.

Kristina:  What do you think step one is that parents can do today to start getting onto that road of a more intuitive eating cycle?

Dana: If you are dieting at home, you should stop. A diet-affirming household is usually a key component of children's relationship with food. So, if you are actively dieting and body shaming, fat-shaming, and all of that stuff in your own home, then we need to correct that.

Kristina:  What are the next steps after that? How do people learn more about what you do?  

Dana: Yes!  Get support. Book a breakthrough session with one of us for free. We work with women to investigate their belief systems around food. We are open to speaking about body image, and this is really what it comes down to. Women wouldn't struggle with food if they didn't believe that their bodies were wrong. We love working with women to heal their relationship with food through allowing all foods and turning to internal cues versus external rules and making peace with certain demonized foods in the past. There are 10 principles of intuitive eating that we would walk you through and support you.

Kristina: How can the audience contact you for help?

Dana: wellnesslately.com

We also have a wonderful free masterclass that will help you start to shift your mindset and give you support. Go to wellnesslately.com/masterclass.

And suppose you want to speak to one of us. In that case, we do free breakthrough sessions for anybody who wants to investigate their relationship with food. No strings attached.  We'll just get on the phone with you and see what's not working and how we can help you start moving forward. You can schedule one of those at wellnesslately.com/apply.

Kristina: Awesome, thank you so much. I know that there are women out there who will be able to reach out to you and get the help they need.

If you have an inspiring story and want to share your story with the audience so that others can learn from you, please go to theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me.

---------How YOUR Dieting Is Hurting Your Child--------------

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How YOUR Dieting Is Hurting Your Child

037: Real Talk: How to talk to your teen about sex, drugs, and peer pressure

Real Talk: How Do I Talk to My Teenager About Sex, Drugs, and Peer Pressure?  FREE PDF INLCUDED IN SHOW NOTES!

FREE PDF MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/50things  50 Skills to teach your teenager before they leave home and go off to college!

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

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Transcripts:

Please, oh please!  Let my child make good decisions next year when they are at college!

I get it.  I have a senior in High school too.  I am already terrified of my son facing the world, but as an Impactful Parent, I also know that I have to let go, and I can't avoid the difficult conversation of Sex, Drugs, and Peer Pressure.   This goes for you, too!   Being a good parent means preparing our children to leave the nest. Part of that preparation is having the uncomfortable talk about what inevitably lies ahead, so your child is ready. 

Let's break it down.  What do you need to talk about?  There are 3 big topics.  They are Sex, Drugs, and Peer pressure.   Why?  Because statistics show that changing environments, being alone, or feeling isolated can make people more vulnerable.  College has the potential to hit all 3 of these marks!  This vulnerability is amplified by a young person's need to be liked, fit in, and make friends.  Plus, if your child has low self-esteem, then the risk is even greater. 

I know that you might be thinking, "I already had the birds and bees talk with my child years ago, and we've talked about drugs and alcohol too." Well, I am here to tell you that you need to take those conversations further.  Now it is essential to talk about the social responsibility of sex and drugs.  Things like:

• What does responsible consumption look like, or responsible sexual activity?
• How to set boundaries.
• how to deal with peer pressure

Yep, I know!  Tough conversations!  So you might be saying, How Do I Talk to My Teenager About Sex, Drugs, and Peer Pressure?

Here are 10 tips for what to say and how this conversation should flow. 

Real Talk Tip 1: Start by telling them why you are sitting them down.  Say something like, "Being in a new environment where you want to fit in can push you to do things for the approval of others.  You are an adult now, and ultimately you are responsible for choices.  I want to help you get ready for the new peer pressures you are about to face.   Here are some tips, so you do not do anything regretful.

Real Talk Tip 2:  Practice saying no.  In your head, aloud, or with your friends, practice being assertive and saying no.  Roleplay it out in your mind how you will say no and what will happen.  Kids forget that they must talk not only with their words but also with their bodies.  Body language is what drives the point home.  Practice not only saying the words but standing tall and feeling confident. 

Real Talk Tip 3:  Make a plan before you get into a bad situation.   Decide what you will do if you go to a party and everyone wants you to drink or do drugs.  Decide what you will do if a guy touches you without asking.  Decide what you will do if your intoxicated and need to get home or out of a situation.   Decide what you will do if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to take the relationship to a place, you are not comfortable with.     Please discuss lots of different scenarios with your child or explain to them that having a plan BEFORE they need helps keep them safe and sets them up for a more successful outcome.  

Real Talk Tip 4:  Decide your limits before you go.  What are you willing to do, and what do you want to avoid?   Knowing your boundaries BEFORE you put yourself in an environment where peers can pressure you to change your mind will help you keep your values and keep your integrity.   You do not want to make decisions at the moment.  That is how regretful actions happen.   Know your boundaries before you even step outside the door.

Real Talk Tip 5:  Be ready to leave.  Have a plan for leaving if the situation gets uncomfortable.   Hopefully, you will be with people who can do what they want and still respect you for your choices, but many times that is not the case.  You may have to leave even if you do not want to; parents are no longer an excuse to get out of the situation, so have another reason ready to go.  Maybe this is a friend. Perhaps this is a lie about being on medication so you cannot drink, but talk about possible excuses NOW with your child, so they do not fumble with their words later.

Real Talk Tip 6:   Pick your friends wisely.   Find friends with the same values and stick together.   Using the buddy system is a great way to get out of uncomfortable situations.  Have a friend that you trust. Be willing to watch over each other. 

Real Talk Tip 7:  Trust your gut.    Tell your child that if it does not feel right, then it is not right.  Your instincts are one of the best indicators for trouble.  Trust yourself and your intuition.

Real Talk Tip 8:   Consider how your actions can put you in a bad situation.  Please remind your child that they have the power to influence their environment.   Their choice of clothing, the way they act, what they consume, what they say, who they hang out with, …. All play a part in how their environment is created.   There are many moving parts to each situation we put ourselves in, but ultimately, little decisions can make considerable influences on how the day plays out. Do not discount those small choices that have the power to change outcomes.

Real Talk Tip 9:  It is ok to be alone and standing up for yourself can sometimes be lonely.   The world's most extraordinary people had to stand alone in their convictions before anyone would accept them and follow.   Reaffirm to your child that it is ok to go against the grain and be alone.  It just means they have not found their tribe yet.   Tell your child that being alone with integrity is much better than being accepted and regretting your actions.

Real Talk Tip 10:  Show you trust your child to make the right choices and that you have complete confidence in their future.   This is important.  A mistake that many parents make is having this conversation with a tone of I know you are going to mess up.  Instead, keep telling your child that you believe in them, and you have to talk about this so you can feel better about being an impactful parent, NOT because you don't trust their choices.   Your child is more likely to make better choices when you believe in them because you will be raising their self-confidence and standards.  Low self-confidence can lead to a self-fulling prophecy. 

I know this is not the conversation you want to have, but it is a conversation worth having!  And if these 10 tips today were not enough- I HAVE MORE!  Today, I am giving you a FREE PDF CHECKLIST of 50 Life Skills your child needs to learn before leaving home.  Get your free pdf by going to https://theimpactfulparent.com/50things.    It is our responsibility to prepare our child, and you are!  You are an impactful parent!  You got this!