Parenting Stories, Struggles and Strategies for Moms and Dads of School-aged Children, Teenagers, and Impactful Parents

037: Real Talk: How to talk to your teen about sex, drugs, and peer pressure

Real Talk: How Do I Talk to My Teenager About Sex, Drugs, and Peer Pressure?  FREE PDF INLCUDED IN SHOW NOTES!

FREE PDF MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/50things  50 Skills to teach your teenager before they leave home and go off to college!

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

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Transcripts:

Please, oh please!  Let my child make good decisions next year when they are at college!

I get it.  I have a senior in High school too.  I am already terrified of my son facing the world, but as an Impactful Parent, I also know that I have to let go, and I can't avoid the difficult conversation of Sex, Drugs, and Peer Pressure.   This goes for you, too!   Being a good parent means preparing our children to leave the nest. Part of that preparation is having the uncomfortable talk about what inevitably lies ahead, so your child is ready. 

Let's break it down.  What do you need to talk about?  There are 3 big topics.  They are Sex, Drugs, and Peer pressure.   Why?  Because statistics show that changing environments, being alone, or feeling isolated can make people more vulnerable.  College has the potential to hit all 3 of these marks!  This vulnerability is amplified by a young person's need to be liked, fit in, and make friends.  Plus, if your child has low self-esteem, then the risk is even greater. 

I know that you might be thinking, "I already had the birds and bees talk with my child years ago, and we've talked about drugs and alcohol too." Well, I am here to tell you that you need to take those conversations further.  Now it is essential to talk about the social responsibility of sex and drugs.  Things like:

• What does responsible consumption look like, or responsible sexual activity?
• How to set boundaries.
• how to deal with peer pressure

Yep, I know!  Tough conversations!  So you might be saying, How Do I Talk to My Teenager About Sex, Drugs, and Peer Pressure?

Here are 10 tips for what to say and how this conversation should flow. 

Real Talk Tip 1: Start by telling them why you are sitting them down.  Say something like, "Being in a new environment where you want to fit in can push you to do things for the approval of others.  You are an adult now, and ultimately you are responsible for choices.  I want to help you get ready for the new peer pressures you are about to face.   Here are some tips, so you do not do anything regretful.

Real Talk Tip 2:  Practice saying no.  In your head, aloud, or with your friends, practice being assertive and saying no.  Roleplay it out in your mind how you will say no and what will happen.  Kids forget that they must talk not only with their words but also with their bodies.  Body language is what drives the point home.  Practice not only saying the words but standing tall and feeling confident. 

Real Talk Tip 3:  Make a plan before you get into a bad situation.   Decide what you will do if you go to a party and everyone wants you to drink or do drugs.  Decide what you will do if a guy touches you without asking.  Decide what you will do if your intoxicated and need to get home or out of a situation.   Decide what you will do if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to take the relationship to a place, you are not comfortable with.     Please discuss lots of different scenarios with your child or explain to them that having a plan BEFORE they need helps keep them safe and sets them up for a more successful outcome.  

Real Talk Tip 4:  Decide your limits before you go.  What are you willing to do, and what do you want to avoid?   Knowing your boundaries BEFORE you put yourself in an environment where peers can pressure you to change your mind will help you keep your values and keep your integrity.   You do not want to make decisions at the moment.  That is how regretful actions happen.   Know your boundaries before you even step outside the door.

Real Talk Tip 5:  Be ready to leave.  Have a plan for leaving if the situation gets uncomfortable.   Hopefully, you will be with people who can do what they want and still respect you for your choices, but many times that is not the case.  You may have to leave even if you do not want to; parents are no longer an excuse to get out of the situation, so have another reason ready to go.  Maybe this is a friend. Perhaps this is a lie about being on medication so you cannot drink, but talk about possible excuses NOW with your child, so they do not fumble with their words later.

Real Talk Tip 6:   Pick your friends wisely.   Find friends with the same values and stick together.   Using the buddy system is a great way to get out of uncomfortable situations.  Have a friend that you trust. Be willing to watch over each other. 

Real Talk Tip 7:  Trust your gut.    Tell your child that if it does not feel right, then it is not right.  Your instincts are one of the best indicators for trouble.  Trust yourself and your intuition.

Real Talk Tip 8:   Consider how your actions can put you in a bad situation.  Please remind your child that they have the power to influence their environment.   Their choice of clothing, the way they act, what they consume, what they say, who they hang out with, …. All play a part in how their environment is created.   There are many moving parts to each situation we put ourselves in, but ultimately, little decisions can make considerable influences on how the day plays out. Do not discount those small choices that have the power to change outcomes.

Real Talk Tip 9:  It is ok to be alone and standing up for yourself can sometimes be lonely.   The world's most extraordinary people had to stand alone in their convictions before anyone would accept them and follow.   Reaffirm to your child that it is ok to go against the grain and be alone.  It just means they have not found their tribe yet.   Tell your child that being alone with integrity is much better than being accepted and regretting your actions.

Real Talk Tip 10:  Show you trust your child to make the right choices and that you have complete confidence in their future.   This is important.  A mistake that many parents make is having this conversation with a tone of I know you are going to mess up.  Instead, keep telling your child that you believe in them, and you have to talk about this so you can feel better about being an impactful parent, NOT because you don't trust their choices.   Your child is more likely to make better choices when you believe in them because you will be raising their self-confidence and standards.  Low self-confidence can lead to a self-fulling prophecy. 

I know this is not the conversation you want to have, but it is a conversation worth having!  And if these 10 tips today were not enough- I HAVE MORE!  Today, I am giving you a FREE PDF CHECKLIST of 50 Life Skills your child needs to learn before leaving home.  Get your free pdf by going to https://theimpactfulparent.com/50things.    It is our responsibility to prepare our child, and you are!  You are an impactful parent!  You got this! 

092: How To Balance Being A Working Mom

Here are the links from today’s episode How To Balance Being A Working Mom: www.natalietysdal.com, www.theimpactfulparent.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

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Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

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Transcript for How To Balance Being A Working Mom:

Kristina: Welcome Impactful Parents to the Inspire and Learn series, where real parents come on and tell their stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. Today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, Natalie Tysdal. Natalie is an award-winning TV news anchor who has left her early morning show to start her own podcast. Now she's focusing on family and health. She's also a mom of three kids. Today we are going to talk about How To Balance Being A Working Mom. Welcome!

Natalie: Thank you so much. I love what you're doing. Anything we can do to support parents!

Kristina:  Today, I want to find out more about your story.  You recently quit your anchor job to pivot into something completely different.  That is very brave, and yet you didn't seem afraid at all! Why did you decide to leave the TV?

Natalie:  Well, I wouldn't say that I wasn't afraid because I certainly was afraid to leave what I had done for so long and that I was very comfortable with. I think many people will relate that starting a second career was certainly a scary thing, and it took me a while to decide to do that.

Kristina: It's a huge life shift. What prompted you to do that?

Natalie:  Well, I have been in the television industry for about 30 years. I was a photojournalist. I love video work. And then after that, I went on to be a producer and then a reporter, and then an anchor. I jumped around the country doing that for many years. The business served me very well, and I loved it very, very much. I'm still a journalist.  Eventually, I chose to work a Morning Show because that allowed me to be home in the afternoon. I felt like I had two full-time jobs. I would get up at 230 in the morning to do a morning show. The show started at 430am. That finished at 9am. I had a live presence Monday through Friday. I'd be home by noon, so I could still go to school parties and help with the PTO at my daughter's school and do all of those "mom" things, but by four or five o'clock in the afternoon, I called myself zombie mom. I had been awake for so long I was running on fumes.  I made the sacrifice to be with the kids, but I realized later that I really wasn't present mentally. It took me a long time to finally admit that I wasn't doing my family any favors by not being fully present in the afternoon when I was tired. I just made the decision that I didn't want to do it anymore.

Kristina:  I like how you view it as an opportunity. I know it's super scary to pivot. I did the same thing. I left 20 years of teaching, which I absolutely loved, to take care of my kids. I had emerging teenagers that I saw needed me way more than anybody else.  I completely get it. I understand where you're coming from. That decision is tough, and it's definitely super scary.

Is there anything that you did to prepare yourself for such a huge transition?

Natalie: A lot of people didn't understand why I wanted to leave a stable job. I love journalism. I felt like it was my calling for a really long time, but that can change.  I was ready for something new.

When I am evaluating my happiness, I ask myself 3 things. Number 1: Are you proud of what you're doing? Number 2: Are you happy? Do you wake up each day and do what makes you happy? And Number 3: Are you challenged? I think by asking myself those three questions, I get a lot of clarity.

I found that I woke up tired, so it was hard to be happy when I'm not taking care of myself physically and mentally. I found myself challenged, but my challenge wasn't the job. I had done it for so long that I knew how to do news. I knew how to ask questions. I knew how to do research. I was challenged by the schedule, the time with my children, and feeling like a present spouse. And I wasn't necessarily proud of what I was doing anymore. I needed to take a step back. I want to do things my own way.

Kristina:  How did your family feel about your big choice to quit and pivot?

Natalie: I wanted them to feel a part of the decision. I wanted to role model making big decisions for my kids. I wanted them to see that it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction, but it was very well thought out. We prayed over it, and we discussed it. In the end, my family was ultimately happy that I was happy.

Kristina:  I love that your kids were part of that choice. So many times, parents make the mistake of making a choice for everybody else. Children will choose better if they have a say in what's happening and hear the decision-making process.

What lessons have you learned about parenting and working?

Natalie: Oh man! How long do we have in this podcast? There are so many things. You know, I think first and foremost: Parenting is messy. Parenting has no balance. Some days are okay, and some days are not okay, but it's never perfect. There's never a perfect balance when trying to be a present parent and trying to work and have a career. I like to tell myself that messy is okay. It's fine. It's important to embrace the mess and chaos. It's not perfect, and that's okay.

Kristina: You're giving yourself grace. That's what I hear from you when you say that. It's okay to have really hard days, and it's okay to have great days, and nothing is going to be perfect.  We do the best we can.

Natalie: I remember a pivotal point. I think it was after my second daughter was born. We've had sports practices all day, and I was the head of the PTO. I was getting up early, and I was exhausted. My daughter had an eye appointment that day, and I was so flustered. There was so much going on. I remember thinking, "I can't do this today. I need to cancel the appointment." I realized I can't do it all. And, yeah, the doctors might not be very happy with me that I had to cancel, but I had to take a step back. I had to accept that I'm not perfect. I'm overwhelmed right now. It's okay to take something off of my plate. Life will go on. I had to give up the expectation that I could do it all.  I like to think of this analogy of having a plate and your plate being overloaded with food. You've got chips and the burger and the fruit and salad. It's not healthy. I've got too much on my plate. I need to pick a few things off. Sometimes we have to remove things from that plate to feel balanced.

Kristina:  I think this is wonderful parenting advice. So many times, as parents, we want to do it all. We set ourselves up to meet a high standard, but it's stressful. It's so stressful. You can't do it all, and you need to give yourself grace. And to just take that epiphany and go, Well, I actually can cancel that. Why not cancel an appointment?  I'm an adult. I can make that choice. It's okay.

When I started my business and left teaching, I thought things would get easier. Teaching is difficult.  It is exhausting. I was excited to make my own schedule while working for myself. But once I was in the business, I found that I had less time for myself and my family if I didn't make myself stop working. There was always one more thing to do and something that needed to be worked on.  I have to constantly remind myself to STOP.  I have to make a conscious effort to put down the work. That's why I started my own business- to have the freedom to stop.  But exercising that freedom is more difficult than I expected.  Are you feeling that same kind of thing?

Natalie:  I am.  I'm also the kind of person who loves adrenaline. I love the breaking news. I do well under pressure. I found that I only have 2 speeds of being.  I have a fast speed, and I have a crash speed.  I'm working really hard to have a middle speed. That's the sweet spot.  We have to train ourselves to find that middle speed and to stop. I find that compartmentalizing my parent role and working role helps me to that.  I hate to generalize, but moms are not good at compartmentalizing or finding balance.  When we're working, we're thinking about our kids, and when we're with our kids, we're thinking about working.

Kristina:  Great advice. Let's talk a little bit about self-care. I'm going to generalize here, but men are better about putting themselves as a priority when it comes to self-care. I'll give you an example. Even if it's a holiday and guests are coming in the afternoon because it's Thanksgiving, I see many men who will wake up and make sure that they work out at the gym.  I see many more moms saying, "I can't go workout. I got guests coming." This isn't good.  We need to prioritize ourselves and self-care.  When our tank is low, we can't serve our family.

How do you take care of yourself?

Natalie: Oh, I relate to all of that so much.  It's hard when your to-do list is so long to give yourself that time for yourself. It's okay to go get a massage, to relax, or to eat a good meal.  Moms are always putting everyone else first.  But I learned that I could NOT be everything to everyone in the afternoon when I was only sleeping four or five hours a night. I wasn't doing anybody any favors. Ask yourself, are you taking care of yourself? Are you taking care of your own needs? And are you taking care of your body and your health?  I didn't realize it, but I was teaching my daughters to work to the bone.

Kristina:  Oh yes! Kids will watch what you do, and they will definitely imitate that. If you're working yourself to the bone, you'll have children that do the same.

So, you have 3 children.  One in college, one in high school, and one in elementary school.  Which stage of development is the most challenging for you?

Natalie:  Oh my goodness, that's not a fair question! They're all challenging, and they're all rewarding. I appreciate the elementary years right now more than I did before because this child is my last.  I try and live in the moment with each of my kids at the stage that they're in.  There are challenges because I have one across the country, and one going to prom this weekend, and one who's writing a book report, but I am trying to enjoy every moment.  They grow up too fast!

Kristina:  Yes.  The days are long, and the years are short.

How do you stay inspired, Natalie?

Natalie:  That's such a great question. I think having good mentors and having good friends is important. I feel like we are what we fill our brains with. If all we are doing is filling it with negative, then that's what we're going to think about. So for me, staying inspired is finding things to fill my brain with that are inspirational. Your mindset is important. If there are things in your life that are making you sad or upset, then remove it, mute it, or whatever it takes to remove the negativity.  So to stay inspired, I try to fill my life with joy.

Kristina: If people are hearing your story and resonating with you, how would they find your podcast?

Natalie: All of my information and podcast is on my website at www.natalietysdal.com. I talk about families and health, and mindset.

Kristina:  Thank you, Natalie, for teaching us How To Balance Being A Working Mom!

If you have an inspiring story that you want to share on the Impactful Parent, please go to my website at https://theimpactfulparent.com.  Go to the 'work with me page and sign up because we want to learn from you too. And until next time, you got this, parents. We're just here to help.

---------------------- How To Balance Being A Working Mom -----------------------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30 minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

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093: How To Get Your Child to STOP PROCRASTINATING

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was:  How to get my child to stop procrastinating?

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, Linked In, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for How to get my child to stop procrastinating?

First, It is important to understand WHY your child is procrastinating so you can react to their procrastination appropriately. Every behavior your child does has a motive. What are they getting out of putting things off?

Today I will give you 7 reasons why your child might be procrastinating and 7 ways you can respond to the procrastination so they will stop!  Let’s get started with the simpler reason first.

REASON 1 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING: They don’t see the importance of what you ask them to do.  Yep, it’s that simple! Your child doesn’t see the task as relevant to his or her future goals or well-being. Along these same lines, kids procrastinate because the task at hand is boring to them.  When there is little excitement in what you are asking them to do, it is difficult to get motivated about doing the task. WHAT YOU WANT TO DO: Explain it to them.  I know this is annoying, and many parents have the stance of “just do it because I said so.” Still, your child will never stop procrastinating until they find the task-relevant or important to them.  If your child feels like the task is boring, you will have to get creative with making the task more fun and engaging. (Make it a game, race, or invite others to help.)

REASON 2 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING: They can get away with it.  “Why do something now when I can do it later?” Kids also hate doing things on your timetable. They want to do things independently because it feels like they are exercising some power, independence, and personal choice.  WHAT YOU WANT TO DO: Either pick your battle and let them do it on their own time because they will get it done eventually, OR explain to them the benefit of getting the task done early and along those same lines- give them an incentive/reward for completing the task early, OR implement a consequence for procrastination.

REASON 3 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING: They are unable to get started due to distractions. These kids know what they need to do but procrastinate due to more appealing distractions.  It is difficult for these kids to prioritize the task you want them to do when other things around them are more interesting or appealing.  WHAT YOU WANT TO DO: Eliminate their distractions and even help them get started.

REASON 4 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING: They have poor time-management skills. Many kids underestimate how long it will take them to complete the task, so they procrastinate getting started because they assume there is enough time later.  This is called having trouble with executive functioning skills.  Why your child has trouble with executive functioning skills can vary. The most common child with executive function challenges is a child with ADHD.  Some kids with ADHD don’t know the difference between what 5 minutes feels like versus 15 minutes.  They have trouble perceiving time.  WHAT YOU WANT TO DO:  If you think executive functioning challenges are your child, I suggest you have them tested by a local psychologist or learning center.  You can also talk to your child’s teachers about your concerns, and they will have a better idea if your assumptions are correct.

REASON 5 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING:  Your child doesn’t understand how to do the task or what is expected of them.  This reason is one of the most frustrating for parents because parents think, “Why didn’t they just ask me? Or How could they not know what I expect? I have told them 10 times!”  Yet, some children refuse to ask for help and clarification.  Also, many children might hear you talking, but they simply aren’t listening and taking in the information you’re saying. WHAT YOU WANT TO DO: Explain the task to your child again.  Show them what to do- PHYSICALLY, not just with words. Also, you may want to consider using a daily schedule or a chores chart to lay out your expectations.

REASON 6 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING: They are perfectionists and don’t like attempting tasks that they think they can’t do perfectly. Your child might feel like they don’t have the skills to get the task done correctly.  This procrastination stems from fear of failing and a lack of self-confidence.  WHAT YOU WANT TO DO: Tell your child that it is ok to make mistakes and perfect is not what you are looking for. Put a big focus on effort instead of completion. You’ll want to clarify your expectations and incentivize EFFORT above all else.  Also, break the task down into smaller, more manageable steps that can help your child feel successful.  Perfectionists tend to spiral out of control in their thinking.  One failure will lead to another, which will lead to another. Eventually, the task in front of them feels daunting and paralyzing.  Breaking the task down into tiny steps and helping your child develop a plan for tackling the problem can help them get unstuck. Also, be sure to ask your child questions to help clarify your expectations and debunk some of their internal spiraling beliefs.  Ask your child things like, “What does ‘done’ look like to you?, What do you think I expect from you? and What do you think will happen if you don’t do this perfectly?”  Lastly, be sure to praise your child for all their efforts and positive qualities. Build their self-esteem with good personality qualities like, “You are so creative, passionate, and tenacious.”

REASON 7 WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE PROCRASTINATING: The task at hand gives them paralyzing anxiety. This can be frustrating because parents don’t understand where the anxiety is coming from. Yet, it is a real problem for your child.  WHAT YOU WANT TO DO:  I would start with the solutions from reason #6 and perfectionism.  A lot of the time, perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand.  Beyond those suggestions, I would also help your child get started with the task.  You may also want to declare a start and end time for putting in the effort to the task.  For example, I might say, “Let’s start working on _____ at 5 pm. I’ll set a timer, and you can stop at 6 pm if you don’t take a break and you’re really putting in an hour of effort.”  Ultimately, your focus is to get your child to attempt the task and stop avoiding it.  Use rewards to motivate, not punishments. Point out their successes and efforts. You want to remove the overwhelm and create an environment of small achievable accomplishments.

Put some time into evaluating your child’s behaviors and figuring out WHY they are procrastinating.  After knowing the WHY, you’ll be able to respond to their behavior more effectively, making you a more impactful parent.

---------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

036: Overprotective Parents

Overprotective Parents

 

 

[caption id="attachment_2339" align="aligncenter" width="300"]Overprotective Parents[/caption]

Overprotective parents come from a place of love, but it is also a disservice to your child.  Learn how you may be overprotective too!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Transcript:

Life isn’t that good. Don’t’ believe the hype!  Life isn’t that good.  I used to believe the Leave It To Beaver and Andy Griffith reruns that I grew up on.  Not anymore.   Experience quickly taught me that life is not just black and white. As a tween, I was still confused because life was showing me more hardship, but TV kept showing me more great families like The Cosby’s and the Keatons from Family Ties.  Then, the show Rosanne premiered.  This was ground-breaking at the time because it represented a not-so-perfect TV sitcom family.   America loved it.   Rosanne

was a highly rated show for a while, but it didn’t last.  Before I knew it, TV was back to either representing family life as sweet and perfect as the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire or MTV was showing me the craziest of people on the new fad of reality TV.  Needless to say, I learned to stop watching TV altogether.  My life expectations were confused!

              Today’s kids are in the same predicament!  Social media shows everyone happy.  Life is perfect in the pictures of Instagram and Facebook.  These picture-perfect moments are making our kids feel inadequate. Everyone else is having more fun in the Snapchat videos.  But this generation has it worse.   The TV shows of my day weren’t personal.  I was still several degrees away from knowing Michael J. Fox and Will Smith.  Today, photos and videos are personal.  They are posts of the kids at school. People they see walking in the halls.   Social media makes life look perfect and creates unrealistic expectations for our children.  Life is not that great!  We only post the good parts.

What do we do as parents?  How can we combat unrealistic expectations? Well, unfortunately, most parents make it worse by sheltering their kids too much and putting them on teams where everyone gets a trophy. As parents, we are to prepare our kids for the real world.  We want our kids to grow up, leave home, and be successful adults.  If you’re not preparing your kids for real-world expectations and skills for combating real-world issues, then you are not preparing your kids to be successful.  In fact, you are setting them up for failure.   Of course, we all want our kids safe and happy, but life isn’t that good.  We need to prepare our kids for the hard times too.   Let me tell you another story….

My son runs cross county and is a good athlete.  Having said that, he isn’t a runner.  He runs cross country for his team, but it’s not his primary sport, nor is his body the made-to-run tall and thinly built.  Last week, his small school competed against some big schools in the area, and my wonderful son ran across the finish line last.   Yep dead last.   As a parent, I had a few choices on how to react to this. 

1. Get mad at the coach for setting him up for failure
2. Cry with him and soothe him. Tell him that he is a great runner, and the next time he will do better.
3. Tell him the truth. Remind him that running is not his primary sport. He did a great job.  Tell him that I was proud of him for never giving up and talk to him about the realities of coming in last.

Yes, I took path number 3.  Sometimes in life, we come in last.   Sometimes others deserve to win more.  As parents, it is important to teach humility, effort, and grace as much as it is to teach them grit and drive. Learning these lessons are never easy, but learning them at a young age is much better.  When children are young, they can rationalize better and process experiences better.  Learning hard lessons young gives them time to learn coping skills. The younger you can teach your kids to lose, and congratulate others who out-perform you,  the more drive they will have to win!  Better yet, winning will become more meaningful and something they can be proud of.  

So put your kids in sports, clubs, and competitions where they can win AND lose.  Don’t shelter them from loss.  Instead, take losing as an opportunity to teach them valuable lessons.  The short-term may be hard, but in the long run, you will be giving them a much more beneficial experience.  Watch out that you don't become one of those overprotective parents!

091: Childhood Vaccinations: When Everything Changes...

Here are the links from today’s episode Childhood Vaccinations:  https://jacquelinemkane.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

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Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for Childhood Vaccinations:

Kristina:  Welcome to the Impactful Parent's Inspire and Learn series, where real parents come on and tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes, but a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. Today we're going to learn from our guest speaker, Jacqueline Kane. Jacqueline is a medical intuitive and mom of two kids. Jacqueline will talk to us today about her experience with getting some vaccinations and then seeing some changes in one of her children. Today is all about Childhood Vaccinations.

I want to hear what happened. I hear rumors of these kinds of stories, but nobody really talks about it. I'm happy you are here today because I wanted to get a real parent's perspective on this particular issue. We all have pressure to get our kids vaccinated, and it's scary.  Please tell us your story about Childhood Vaccinations.

Jacqueline: When my youngest son was born, I felt he was perfect because my first child didn't sleep. So when he was more of a sleeper, I was like, oh my god, this is amazing! We'd say, "Okay, it's time to go off to bed," and he'd climb up the stairs, no complaints. Nothing. Not until he had his 18-month checkup. After his vaccines, the change was immediate. He was angry more often, and you couldn't reason with him.  There were just moments when he wouldn't listen. He gave you a hard time more often. And, at first, everybody's like, "Oh, that's just how they are." But I was like no! He had vaccines. The changes were immediately after. But I had to figure it out on my own because 20 years ago, people didn't even suspect vaccines as causing problems.

As a mom, you know when something's different. You know when your child is different.  Today, I'm so grateful for you and all the people who are now talking about the risks. You can't tell me that it wasn't the vaccine I gave him that day that changed him. When you have an inner knowing as a parent, always trust that feeling. Go with your guts, and don't let anybody tell you differently. 

In my journey, I had to dig deep to understand my child. Who was he now? How can I relate to him? How can I parent him so that he is successful? I didn't want him to go to school and have behavioral problems. I wanted him to have friends and be accepted. Later, I was told that he never felt like he had friends, and that breaks my heart. We had a hard journey.  I had to constantly research ways to help him and never give up. The research wasn't there 20 years ago, and it was very frustrating. Finally, I was grateful when I met a natural path. She did heavy metal testing. I took him to her to get testing and then started removing the heavy metals from his body. Almost immediately, we saw change in him again! People would come up to me and say, "Wow, you can reason with him now. There's such a shift in him." I wanted to shout the remedy from the rooftops and help other moms and kids in the same situation.  He was so much calmer and saving grace in my life when I found her.

Kristina: I have so many questions already. First of all, it sounds like you had no idea of any risks with vaccinations.  Is that true?

Jacqueline: Yes!  And there was pressure from the doctors to get all the vaccines.  Even now, in our pandemic, there is pressure to get vaccinated. But I learned that children are being born with sensitivities to heavy metals and preservatives in vaccines.

Kristina: There's definitely pressure for parents to get all the vaccinations. Definitely. The schools want you to have them too.  

If you were living your life again today and not 20 years ago, what would you do differently?

Jacqueline:  I learned so much since then! I realize that I had to come from a place of love when I interacted with my child. If he was annoyed or frustrated, then he would stop talking to me. I also had to learn that I was carrying around something called ancestral energy that gets passed down. I had to do a lot of my inner work to heal those parts that added to his condition. Lastly, I learned that I had to understand who he is energetical. I had to learn that he did better with positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement. I had to learn that he needs time alone to regroup. He's an introvert, and giving him time and space at home to just recenter and rebalance was important.  I shouldn't force him to go to all the parties. So I think if I had to do it all over again, I would spend more time getting to know my child and who he was sooner. I would stop being so busy because I was working 40 hours a week, and I would give myself more time as a parent to get to know my kids and have fun with them.

Kristina: Yep! That's parenting! I'm going to rephrase a couple of things that were really important that you said.  

As parents, we can hold on to residual feelings and things from our past that we don't even realize. These feelings, habits, and expectations affect our parenting, and in turn, they affect our children. We need to heal our past first so we can be better parents.

The second thing you said I want to enforce is getting to know our children for who they are and not what we expect them to be.  Many times parents assume that their kids are like them. Their kids will like basketball because they liked basketball.  Instead, we need to get to know our kids for their unique selves.

Jacqueline:  When I was parenting, there was no such thing as a parenting coach, so it is wonderful that people have you as a resource now.  We need to seek support in our parenting and not feel like we have to do everything alone.  Reach out to a friend, reach out to a coach, and read all the books you can.  There is a wealth of information now for you and your family.

Kristina: I love that you're advocating for finding support! I want to support my parents. I want parents to know that they're not alone.

What did the doctors say about your son after the vaccinations? Did they diagnose him with anything or deny he changed?

Jacqueline: They kept denying it.

Kristina: Would you say that some of the behaviors that he was exhibiting were like Asperger's or autism?

Jacqueline: Yeah. I finally had him tested when he was a teen, and he was borderline Asperger's and autism. I'm happy to say that you wouldn't even think there's anything wrong if you met him today. Yes, he's an introvert, but there are times when he's very chatty, and he's like everybody else.

Kristina: What did you do when your son was diagnosed? Do you have any recommendations or tips for parents in a similar situation?

Jacqueline: I believe that these kids really want our attention. They want to be respected. That means giving them attention. I know as a parent, there's a lot of things to do. It is important not to ignore their need, though.  They need you to put things to the side and give them time, respect, and be present in the moment. When you give them that, they calm down and they relax. It's a totally different child. But when you tell them what to do and why they should do it- then it's not going to work out well.  It's not the parenting style that they need. They really need to be a partner with you.  They need guidance. They don't want to be parented over; they wanted to be parented with. 

Kristina:  That's great advice for any child. So now I'd like to ask you, what makes these children so special?

Jacqueline: I really do think they're here to teach us something. They're so empathic and have a caring heart. They're here to create a brand new world. You're going to feel their love and compassion.

Kristina: That's a beautiful sentiment. If people resonated with your story today and would love to reach out to you and ask you more or work with you somehow, how would they do that?

Jacqueline: My website is: https://jacquelinemkane.com. I also have a Facebook group, Healing Circle, by Jacqueline Kane, where I give many tips and tools to women who are in pain and families and moms who need some support.

Kristina:  Thank you, Jacqueline.

-------Childhood Vaccinations---------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

034: Prioritizing Yourself

Prioritizing Yourself with Special Guest Lissa Figgins is a must-hear!  Lissa gives us advice on how to put our wellness a priority in our lives and why it is important!  

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

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089: How To Cook In A Dorm Room: Quick and Easy Meals For Everyone

Here are the links from today’s episode How To Cook Food In A Dorm: Quick And Easy Recipes For Everyone: sarahHLongAuthor.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for How To Cook Food In A Dorm: Quick And Easy Recipes For Everyone:

Kristina: Welcome Impactful Parents! Today we're going to talk about quick-cooking, easy recipes, and teaching your kids how to cook.  I have a special guest, Sarah Long. Sarah is the author of College Cooking 101: Fast Food Without A Kitchen.

Sarah: Thank you so much.

Kristina: Can you give us some breakfast ideas for a quick dorm food recipe?

Sarah: One of my favorite ones is really very simple. It is to cook an egg in a mug or cook omelets in a mug.  Your cooked eggs will already be in a circular shape, so it's portable, and you can throw your egg on an English muffin or a bagel. It is easy to cut up some ham, some green pepper, tomato, onions, whatever- and make your omelet with a tablespoon of water and a mug. Microwave your mug omelet for about 30 seconds, and then stir it up and put it in again for another 30 seconds. When your eggs are cooked, just throw them on a bagel! You will be good to go.

Kristina: As a single mom of four kids, I can totally use that tip tomorrow to get the kids out the door much faster.

Sarah: Another idea is blended smoothies. Many teenagers are using protein powder and making smoothies. I'm not real big on protein powder, but I like to use almond milk, fruit, peanut butter, or almond nut butter. That's a great meal as well!

Kristina:  Can you give us some ideas for easy snack and lunch ideas?

Sarah: One thing I really love that is easy are different varieties of pizza.  Just get some pita bread or flatbread.  Add pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese. Add whatever pizza toppings you like, pepperonis, mushrooms, jalapenos, etc.  Then you can microwave your pizza or put it in a toaster oven.  Everybody loves pizza. Flatbread with shrimp, mozzarella cheese, and some mango salsa is another great idea. Get creative with your toppings.

Kristina: What else do you have for us?

Sarah:  Bean Burritos. Take some black beans, sprinkle a little cumin and chili powder, put it all together on a tortilla with some cheese. Microwave your burrito for about 20 seconds, or you can roll it up and put it in the toaster oven on 400 for about 10 minutes. Serve your burrito with salsa and some avocado. It's a very healthy high protein snack.

Kristina: What about dessert? We can't forget about dessert, because that is my favorite meal.

Sarah: An easy trick is to use your Keurig machine for hot water. A lot of people don't think about that. I use my Keurig to make jello! A cup of hot water from the Keurig was added to box instructions, plus I add some fruit to my jello and Vuala! Easy, healthy, jello!  

Another idea is cake in a mug. A quick recipe is to take one and a half tablespoons of the angel food cake mix, one and a half tablespoons of the regular cake mix with two tablespoons of water, and put it in the microwave for a minute. You've got your mug cake!  Add some icing to top it all off!

Kristina:  Learning these quick recipes can save your child in college when the dorm food cafeteria hours are closed, and they need a snack or a meal. It's better to arm your kids with skills than have them rely on fast food and midnight snack runs in the dark.

Sarah: Absolutely. My kids didn't want to wake up an hour early to go to the cafeteria, stand in line, and walk in the opposite direction. So, cooking breakfast in the room makes a lot of sense.

Kristina:  What would you recommend for parents to supply children in the dorms to have what they need to cook in their little room?

Sarah: A fridge and a microwave are a good place to start. Sometimes the universities rent them for the door rooms. Your first step will be to look on the housing website and see what they supply and what they allow.  I also would recommend a Keurig machine for hot water and coffee.

Kristina:  Why did you write this cookbook?

Sarah: When my daughter went away to school, she didn't like the dorm food and kept calling me asking for help.  I realize that all the cookbooks I came across required a stove, so I started to compile my own recipes that my daughter could do in her dorm room.  

Kristina: How many recipes are in your book?

Sarah: There are over 80 recipes.

Kristina: Wow. How can we get a hold of this book if we want it for our own kids?

Sarah:  It is sold on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and all the major book retailers.

Kristina:  The name of the book is: College Cooking 101 Fast Food Without A Kitchen.  I recommend it for parents too. I think it is a great alternative to eating fast food when busy families get into a time crunch, and they're just isn't time to cook.  Check it out!

Thanks again, Sarah.

And until next time, parents- You got this.  I am just here to help.

----------------------------------------

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

----How To Cook Food In A Dorm: Quick And Easy Recipes For Everyone----

090: When Your Child Doesn’t Care!

It is Question and Answer LIVE and today's question was: When Your Child "Doesn't Care!"

**This episode was broadcasted live on YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram.  Submissions for Q&A Thursday can be either emailed to The Impactful Parent directly or direct messaged through any of these social media platforms.  Submissions can be anonymous and are never mentioned in the Live Recording to respect the privacy of The Impactful Parent audience.  Email:  theimpactfulparent@gmail.com

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Make an authentic connection with your child. Try a FREE 30 Day Challenge. You'll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days. Get away from the boring questions and start connecting with your child one question at a time! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for When Your Child "Doesn't Care!" :

There are 6 reasons why your child might be saying, “I don’t care.”  Today, I will give you those 6 reasons and what you can do to counteract the ‘I don’t care’ to be a more impactful parent! Let’s get started!

“I don’t care” reason 1: The first reason your child might be saying that they don’t care is simply to push your buttons and start an argument. You got them mad, and now they want to get you mad too.  This typically comes from kids with an argumentative personality. The reasoning is as simple as they just don’t want you to win.  What to do: Respond calmly.  Validate their feelings.  Hold your ground. I would say something like, “It is ok that you don’t care.  I am not giving you this punishment because I want you to be miserable.  I am giving you this punishment/task because you need to take responsibility for your actions.” Or “I’m not asking you to clean your room because I want you to be miserable.  I am asking you to clean your room because I need you to be responsible and pull your own weight. You are a growing adult, and I know you want me to treat you like an adult, but it’s difficult for me when you say you don’t care and your room looks like a toddler was playing in here.”

“I don’t care” reason 2: Your child might tell you, “I don’t care,” because they want you to believe that they don’t care so that you’ll retract the consequence you gave them. This is a clever tactic for not getting punished or for lessening their punishment.  What to do: Call their bluff. I would say something like, “Oh good.  I thought this would be an argument, but if you don’t care, you’ll take this consequence with no problems.  Should I add more to the punishment to learn from this mistake because you don’t care? OR will this punishment be enough for you not to make those same choices again even though you don’t care?”

“I don’t care” reason 3: Your child might say that they don’t care because they feel powerless and defeated.  Feeling powerless is frustrating for children.  They are being told what to do and how to act all day, every day. When their life gets overwhelming, they can default to the ‘I don’t care’ mentality.

Another reason they may feel powerless is that they do not understand the connection between their behavior and punishment.  They might feel like they didn’t do anything wrong, and they are only getting in trouble because you are in a bad mood.  What to do: Find ways to give them some power back within their consequence. Still, stand your ground and hold the consequence accountable, but maybe you can give them some flexibility and choices too.  For example, if the punishment is to clean the dishes, allow them to complete the task on their own time as long as the dishes are clean before bedtime or before they can get on their Xbox.  It is also important to analyze the situation and look inward. Is your child right? Are they in trouble more because you’re irritable and have a short fuse today? Looking at the situation from your child’s perspective and apologizing for overreacting can be a powerful bonding tool and ultimately great role modeling for your child.  Lastly, some kids feel powerless when they are getting punishments too often.  They feel like they can’t do anything right. The family has gotten into a pattern of just implementing consequences and criticism too much.  To combat this, it will be important that you make a conscious effort to look for good things that your child does and start being an advocate for praise.  Praise, praise, and praise some more until you can get out of the negative Nancy rut.

“I don’t care” reason 4: Many kids say they don’t care because the parents have not given any opportunity for the child to correct their behavior; therefore, they accept defeat and helplessness. This happens a lot when parents don’t explain what they DO WANT TO SEE and just assume that the child knows how to behave better.  From the child’s point of view, they feel helpless because they don’t know how to act any other way.  You don’t know what you don’t know.  What to do: When you give punishment or a consequence, outline the behavior you want to see. Tell them and even show them through a demonstration what you need.  For example: If you ask your child to clean their room and they throw all their clothes inside the dressers to get them off the floor, but you find the wrinkled clothes and implement a punishment for not cleaning their room properly, then the child may feel defeated because in their eyes they cleaned their room and they are still getting punished.  Instead, you have to show your child the wrinkled clothes and teach them how to fold their laundry, and finally allow them to correct their behavior and retract the consequence you implemented.  Knowing your expectations is not what kids do well.  We have to explain it to them in painfully, boring detail. We have to teach them what we want them to do even if we think it should be a no-brainer response.

“I don’t care” reason 5: When the “I don’t care” becomes a teenager’s way to justify their behavior and get you off their back.  What to do: Don’t believe it.  Challenge it.  I would say something like, “I think you are saying that because you don’t want to do homework.  Let’s find out why you don’t want to do homework.  Is it difficult? Is it boring? Does it take away from your videogame time?  You may not care, but I do.” In essence, every time they say they don’t care, make the situation into a longer conversation exploring the “why” they don’t care.  This is likely to annoy your teen and discourage them from making such a lame excuse for their actions. You’ll have to be consistent for this technique to work. Still, it can be really effective because they will stop making the ‘I don’t care’ excuse. Together, you will be discovering the real feeling behind the attitude because of your discussions.  Either way, it is a win-win.

“I don’t care” reason 6: The last reason why your child might be telling you that they don’t care is that they are depressed.  What to do: Depression should be taken seriously, and this “I don’t care” you don’t want to ignore.  Is your child losing interest in other activities they used to care about? Is your child isolating themselves in their room?  Is your child starting to sleep too much or sleep too little?  Are your child’s grades slipping?  There are many signs of depression, and not caring is one of them.  If you feel like your child is depressed, be sure to find a mental health professional quickly or start talking to your family doctor about your concerns.

What to do next:

1. Subscribe to The Impactful Parent Newsletter so you won’t miss a parenting tip that can help you! This once-a-week newsletter comes out Sunday mornings and you can unsubscribe at any time.  No obligation. No Spam.  Just your favorite parenting tips! Newsletter sign-up link here.
2. Follow The Impactful Parent on social media if you don’t already! Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, & Pinterest
3. Subscribe to the PODCAST and/or the YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Podcast link & YouTube link
4. Check out the official website of The Impactful Parent for FREE RESOURCES, parenting classes, mom’s groups, and so much more! Click here to check it out!
5. Discover how you can work with Kristina! Sign up for a FREE 30-minute discovery call! Click here to find a time that works best for you!

035: Effective Communication Techniques

Effective Communication Techniques Podcast gives you 12 Tips for communicating better!  These 12 tips are easily implemented and come on this FREE PDF:  https://theimpactfulparent.com/communicationtips 

To make an authentic connection with your child, try one of my FREE 30 Day challenges.   Sign up today and you’ll receive a new question to ask your child every day- for 30 days.  These questions provoke a new conversation with your child and get you away from the boring questions like, “How was your day, and do you have any homework?”  Start connecting with your child one question at a time!  Completely FREE, so NO excuses! Sign up NOW and watch your connection grow with your child in 30 days! https://theimpactfulparent.com/connection

Don’t forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don’t miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

087: My Son Was Molested By The Babysitter

Here are the links from today’s episode My Son Was Molested By The Babysitter:

Alysia's website: www.alysialyons.com

www.https://theimpactfulparent.com

IF YOU HAVE A STORY OF INSPIRATION AND LEARNING and want to share your story with The Impactful Parent community, let’s talk!  Go to https://theimpactfulparent.com/work-with-me and sign up for a quick phone call to tell me what your story is all about!  We want to learn from you too!

Don't forget to check out all the FREE resources and tips that The Impactful Parent has to offer!  https://theimpactfulparent.com  Links to the YouTube channel and social media post are there too!  Join The impactful Parent community by signing up for the weekly newsletter. Don't miss an impactful tip!

Follow The Impactful Parent on social Media! Facebook, Instagram, Linked In, Pinterest, and YouTube.

Rate, Review, & Subscribe!

"I love Kristina and all the FREE tips that she has to offer!  Thank you for making my parenting journey better!"  <– If that sounds like you, please consider rating and reviewing my show! This helps me support more people — just like you!!!

Rate with five stars, and select "Write a Review." Then be sure to let me know what you loved most about the episode!

Also, if you haven't done so already, subscribe to the podcast. I'm adding a bunch of bonus episodes to the feed and, if you're not subscribed, there's a good chance you'll miss out. Subscribe now!

Transcript for My Son Was Molested By The Babysitter:

Kristina: Welcome to the Impactful Parent's, Inspire and Learn series, where real parents come on and tell their real stories of inspiration and learning because a wise man learns from his mistakes. Still, a wiser man learns from other people's mistakes. So let's learn today from our guest speaker, Alysia Lyons, and Alysia will talk to us today about her experience with her child getting molested by a babysitter.

It's an important topic to talk about, and even just saying it out loud takes my breath away. I want to hear your story. So let's start with that. What happened, and how did this all come about?

Alysia:  My son was about four. I had hired a babysitter. I've been a single mom for most of his life, so I've relied on babysitters. My normal babysitter wasn't available that day, but she recommended another girl.  She was only 13, but her parents would be home while she babysat.  I only took my son to her once, and it seemed to go fine, so I was planning to start using her more regularly.

The next time I needed a babysitter, I told my son we were going to this girl's house.  He immediately started making excuses, and my son told me that he didn't want to go there. I asked why. He said that she didn't have enough toys and that she was mean to him.  I started to question my son more, and he immediately broke into tears.  He then proceeded to tell me what she did to him.  I won't mention the exact words here, but it is pretty graphic.

Of course, I didn't take him back there, and I was in shock. I filed a Child Protective Service Report because, in my mind, a 13-year-old doesn't do 'those things' to a four-year-old if she hasn't been abused herself. I also filed a police report, but unfortunately, the authorities didn't find any evidence of wrongdoing.  With no proof, nothing becomes of the investigation, and everything just came to a halt.   Nothing ever happened to the case.

It was all very frustrating.  I wanted to get help for that little girl, but the family denied everything.

Kristina:  It's shocking! You don't expect that from any child, especially a young girl. I know I'm stereotyping, but it's true.  Most people wouldn't expect such behavior from a young female girl.

How did this make you feel?  What were some of your primary emotions?

Alysia:  I mean, shock is kind of the first thing that you feel. And then I think I went into anger when they denied that anything happened because the language that my son used to describe what happened to him isn't something that a four-year-old makes up. It's not something that a four-year-old really has any awareness of at all! I also felt a little bit of pity for the 13-year-old because, as you said, the stereotype is that 100% of little girls don't do that to little boys! I had no idea that I needed to vet for this when looking for a babysitter.

Kristina: I can't even imagine! Nothing like this has happened to me, which is why I feel it's so important to have you on the show and tell your story.

How is your son doing now?

Alysia:  He's perfect. I'm a little biased. He doesn't remember a lot of it. I try not to go into detail about what happens to protect his privacy.  He remembers only little things like her name, how her apartment looked, and from time to time, he thinks he sees her apartment when we drive by new neighborhoods.

Like you, nothing like that had ever happened to anyone in my family. It wasn't even something that was on my radar to be aware of and look out for. My roommate at the time was molested in her childhood, though.  Her mom did nothing to help or stop it.   She told her mom, but it kept happening. I don't think anyone believed her.

I was determined to be different.  I believed my son, and he was never going to see that family again.

Kristina: I want to commend you for not only acting swiftly and believing your child but mostly for having empathy for this 13-year-old girl. To understand that the young girl had a LEARNED behavior.  That isn't something she came up with on her own, most likely.  You were afraid for her and wanted to help her. A lot of people wouldn't have had empathy for the molester.

Looking back, is there anything that you would have done differently?

Alysia: I would. In my worldview, hurt people hurt people. That's not typical 13-year-old behavior, and again stereotypically, especially for a girl.

And as far as anything that I would do differently… I never talked to any of the family ever again. I was instructed to not contact them. There's a huge part of me that wishes I had ignored that. I wanted to confront them and ask what was going on.  I also wanted to ask what happened.  I wish I could have talked to the young babysitter.

Kristina: Let's talk a little bit about mom's guilt. When something like this happens to your child, I can imagine that you feel guilty about choosing that babysitter.  We all want to protect our kids from any kind of pain, and it's unrealistic to protect them 100%. Did you have mom guilt?

Alysia:  I did. And because of how I was raised and how I experience things, I didn't realize I had guilt right away. I had this checklist of things to do that all pertained to taking care of him. I didn't think about myself in any way, shape, or form.

Kristina:  Of course. You made your child's needs your first priority.

Alysia:  I had guilt festering for three years before I even realized it was there! My defense mechanism is to leave a person before they can hurt me or deny pain before impacting my heart. That's just how I've been for years. I had to realize I had guilt before I could work on myself, and finally, I did.  After I was able to let it go of the guilt, I realized it was impacting my relationship with my son. I realize now that I was projecting into the future. I was afraid that this little boy that I love more than anything on earth would come back to me one day and be mad that I didn't protect him.

Because I felt like this subconsciously, physically, I was there, but emotionally there was a growing wedge between us. Mom guilt is such a passion because it's something that we don't even realize how it's affecting us until it's gone.

Kristina:  Tell me more about how you dealt with the mom's guilt?

Alysia:  We went to a doctor's appointment about something unrelated, but I brought up the babysitter incident to the doctor, just in case it was connected. The doctor insisted that I go through Child Protective Services all over again, making me irrationally angry.

When I realized it was excessive anger, I also realized that something was off with me. I was working with a life coach and started to explore what might be going on. Eventually, the problem was obvious, and we went through guilt and shame exercises. It was like having somebody take 500 pounds off my shoulders.

Then releasing the guilt took time.  I would be ok for a while, and then the guilt would come back.  Then I would be ok, and it would return. It's been a process to let go.

Kristina: I appreciate you being candid about how difficult it is to go through this process.

Are you worried that it's going to happen again?

Alysia:  I'm not.  I'm a lot more selective with who watches him, and now that he's in school, I just work while he's in school. I'm not so worried about it, but my 'spidey sense' tingles from time to time. For example, when his dad wanted him to go to summer camp, I didn't like the idea at all.  I fought my son's dad about it because it made me feel uncomfortable.  Now I realize that those feelings came up because I didn't know the camping staff.  I didn't know who he was going to be around and who would take care of him.  Even the Boy Scouts of America are being sued for child molestation.

Kristina: Yes, child molestation is everywhere.  Just another reason why your story is so important.

Alysia:  I was significantly more trusting before this happened. If I knew then, what I know now, it wouldn't have happened. It is also really easy to go down rabbit holes of what-ifs. How could I have prevented this? What could I have done? It is easy to beat yourself up.

Kristina: If people resonate with your story today, how can they get ahold of you?

Alysia:  I'm a mom support coach now.  I have a website that's my name alysialyons.com, and I write a blog where I talk about mom guilt, communication issues, and all the things that moms struggle with. You can also email me at coachalysialyons@gmail.com

Kristina: Audience if you have an inspirational story and want to share, go to the impactful parent website, which is theimpactulparent.com

But until next time, you got this. I'm just here to help.

My Son Was Molested By The Babysitter

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